Every child has a vision of who their parents are while they’re living at home with them.
But after they move out and start their own lives, sometimes they find out surprising things about the lives their parents actually live, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Inside_Register3070 was caught off-guard when his parents began a polyamorous relationship, especially since the guy was about his age and had moved into his childhood bedroom.
When his parents also expected to bring their boyfriend to his wedding, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure he could handle so much new information on his wedding day.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting my polycule parents at my wedding?”
The OP was uncomfortable with his parents’ relationship development.
“My (26 Male) parents (54 Female and 55 Male) are in a polyamorous relationship with a man (27 Male).”
“I’ve always been mildly uncomfortable with it just due to a variety of features about the whole thing. For starters, the man is as young as I am and he basically now lives in my former room growing up.”
“I don’t say anything about it as it’s their life and they can live it as they like, but I’ll be completely honest here, all of it sort of discomforts me.”
“Nevertheless, I have my own life and I still love them and I try not to think of that in any capacity. They are happy and that’s good for them.”
The OP was still excited to have their parents there on their wedding day.
“With that background out of the way, I am getting married soon and I wanted my parents to be there of course.”
“They were happy for me and it was great. Then my SO (significant other) and I got to arranging everything for the wedding, and we eventually began arranging the seating.”
“I wanted to run my seating plan by my parents as they know some people better, so I emailed it to them and asked them to look it over.”
“They looked it over and then they called me to tell me that I had missed a seat for Dave.”
“I told them I didn’t think Dave would be coming.”
“They said they would be all coming.”
The OP didn’t love the idea of Dave attending, however.
“I said I was not sure if that was a good idea. I tried to tip-toe to gently tell them to not bring Dave, but they were insistent, so I was frank with them.”
“I told them I was uncomfortable with Dave coming, and I wanted to share my special day with them, not Dave. I tried to explain why I didn’t think it was appropriate.”
“Also, we’re not doing a plus-one invitation system. The wedding is only for people we love and cherish and their families that we love and cherish.”
“It’s a 53-person wedding, so it isn’t huge.”
The conversation turned into a serious argument.
“At this point, things took a turn for the worse. We had a back-and-forth, which basically devolved into a fight.”
“Eventually, they basically said they’d much rather just not come if they couldn’t come as a couple.”
“I, in a moment of anger, then said, ‘Great, then don’t come,’ in a passive-aggressive tone.”
“I haven’t talked to my parents since then.”
The OP felt conflicted about what happened.
“In a way, I feel like they’ve changed so much from when I was young. I still love them, and I still wanted them to come, but all of this is just not how I imagined my wedding going.”
“It’s their life to live, but this is my wedding. It’s supposed to be about me and my significant other being surrounded by people we cherish.”
“Dave and I have no relationship. He is a stranger to me and, respectfully, I genuinely am completely fine with that.”
“I want them to come, but if they want to bring Dave, I’d much rather they just don’t. I love them, but I don’t want Dave there.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the OP to be hypocritical for not supporting his parents’ relationship.
“YTA. You don’t invite people to celebrate your relationship while disrespecting their relationship. I know there is a whole attitude now of ‘I don’t have to have anyone I don’t want at my wedding’ but it’s rude as f**k.”
“Serious relationship get an invite. The only exception is when the person in question has been actively harmful like someone who is abusive or someone who reliably gets drunk and picks fights, and in those cases, if their spouse/partner also decides not to attend, they can do so.”
“If there are concerns about the fact that the wedding could function as a ‘coming out’ for the three of them, and be a distraction, that’s a reason to say, ‘You are all invited, but you have to deal with this issue first.’ It’s NOT a reason to say, ‘I am excluding this person.’” – Thequiet01
“OP is in a relationship that many people are ugly and misinformed about, and where many parents do not accept, and yet OP can’t accept their parents’ ‘out of the norm’ relationship.”
“All the comments referring to Dave as someone your parents f**k and that he’s just a k**k don’t understand polycules, and you are worse off if you take advice from anyone who thinks that.”
“I’m just completely shocked that someone with accepting parents can raise someone who won’t give that courtesy back. It’s a shame.” – Anxious-Feedback-362
“YTA. This is someone your parents have a deep close relationship with. They love him (presumably), and if you and him have no relationship, that means you have no problems.”
“And if you have no actual problems with him, then presumably you have a problem with your parents being poly. That’s not cool.”
“I’d look at it like if your parents were single and each dating someone, would you have a problem then?”
“That being said, it’s your wedding, and you’re gonna do what you want. But I think it’s an a**hole move to cut out someone just because you don’t understand or like their relationship.” – homovore_
“This is like not inviting a stepparent who did nothing wrong to you. YTA.” – Affectionate_Egg_969
“Respect to OP’s parents for sticking up for their partner rather than treating him like an accessory or pet that can be left at home.”
“The way people in these comments are talking about their relationship and hypothesizing about their sex lives is wild. Swap the object of those comments to an interracial or homosexual relationship and y’all would be rightly downvoted into oblivion.”
“OP, more than not wanting someone you don’t know at your wedding, it sounds like you’re not interested in learning about your parents’ new partner at all, and you just want your parents to stay as a time capsule of your childhood memories.”
“You say you’re not including plus-one invitations, but are you actually not inviting anyone else’ partners? YTA.” – nidoowlah
But others understood why the OP didn’t want to see Dave at his wedding.
“I was 100% expecting to have a ‘YTA’ response for this because over in the wedding sub, everyone always, always, always says something along the lines of, ‘It’s a day about celebrating love, and you can’t celebrate while also not inviting the people your guests love (i.e., partners).'”
“But in this case… the OP’s parents are creeping me out, and I get why OP blocks that relationship out of his mind and doesn’t want Dave there.” – verana04
“I can’t believe anybody is saying YTA! This isn’t about being poly or her parents being in a polycule relationship.”
“He doesn’t know this man. Dave’s a stranger to him. Why the h**l should he invite Dave to his wedding?”
“All other points aside, creepy or not, that’s an incredibly valid reason not to invite someone to a small, intimate, and expensive event like this.” – sidvicioustheyorkie
“NTA. It’s pretty despicable of your parents to behave this way. And to put an ultimatum on your wedding day.”
“And honestly, I would be extremely uncomfortable that they are sleeping with someone my age who is living in my childhood room. That’s a level of creepy I’d never get over.” – Cursd818
“I can’t believe how selfish his parents are. They understand that this makes OP uncomfortable but want to have Dave at the wedding anyway.”
“Do what you want on your own time, but don’t make your child upset on his wedding day. They can suck it up for one day but won’t. NTA.” – Timely_Zombie4153
“NTA.”
“It’s kinda weird how there’s been a lot of comments from a few people that make it sound like once a throuple is established the members have fused into a singular entity. Like all individual agency is completely erased once you’re joined in some next-level codependency hive mind or something.”
“OP’s parents and Dave would have to put up with being away from each other for one event. One.”
“For OP, it’s the very meaningful event of starting their own married life, and they would like to have the two people who raised them to be there for it.”
“For Dave, OP’s wedding is, what? Just a date, really. Dave had no hand in OP’s life or upbringing, there’s no connection there. The closest tie there is that he lives in OP’s childhood bedroom. Dave doesn’t really know OP and we have no clue what his feelings on not being invited even are.”
“OP isn’t going to invite Dave, shouldn’t have to invite Dave or anyone else they don’t want there, and already justified their reasons for not inviting Dave.”
“If OP’s parents decide that this is what causes irreparable harm to their relationship with OP, then that’s on them.” – InternetCreative
While the subReddit could understand that the situation might be a little strange for the OP, especially since he didn’t have any form of relationship with Dave, they were much more divided on whether or not Dave should be invited to the wedding.
Some encouraged the OP to be supportive of his parents, especially since they were happy, but others understood why the OP was uncomfortable, and feeling discomfort would be the last thing anyone would want on their wedding day.