Sometimes there’s no rehabilitating a certified momma’s boy. Sometimes all a guy can think about in his adult life is his mom, and everyone and anyone comes second to her, no matter what they do and no matter how big a role they hold in that person’s life.
Redditor peachypeach3001 found out the hard way that their boyfriend is one such momma’s boy, and that he credits his mom with the building of their relationship and household together.
Hurt and off-put by this, our original poster, or OP, had to go to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for feedback on whether getting upset was out of line:
“AITA. I got upset when my boyfriend said his mother was the backbone of our household 😡”
Our OP talked about the life they’d built with their boyfriend, and the role mom plays.
“It came up in conversation that my partner thinks his mother is the back bone of our household and it really hit a nerve with me.”
“She doesn’t live with us but does look after our child 1.5 days a week and does cleaning once a week.”
“We pay her for her time and don’t get me wrong, it is greatly appreciated! She helps out with bits and bobs if she can when she’s over.”
“I am really proud of the life my partner and I have built together and we work really hard to keep everything ticking as we both work full time and have an 18 month old.”
But it hurt OP that their partner didn’t give them or the couple any credit for the life they’ve built.
“It makes me feel gutted that it’s his mother who he feels deserves the credit for our house.”
“Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But it’s not like it was said in passing, he kept repeating it and said if she goes away for a week the house is in disrepair.”
“I firmly believe none of this is true and he thinks I’ve overacted as I got quite upset and he can’t wrap his head round why I would find it offensive.”
“Is it offensive? AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors easily understood why OP was upset.
“NTA. It doesn’t really matter if we, outside observers, feel that him saying that is offensive or not. What matters is that YOU find his comments offensive.”
“You’ve explained as much to him, yet he persists in hurting your feelings. There’s no need for him to say this to you.”
“Even if he thinks it’s true, the hurtful thing is that he is persisting in behavior that is unnecessary and you’ve told him bothers you. He’s TA here, not you.”-ToasterforHire
“NTA. If your bf thinks his mother watching your child for not even a full two days a week makes her the backbone of your household, he is grossly underestimating the both of you.”
“Especially seeing as you have worked together to build your lives up. Would he say the same about a random babysitter if they watched them during the week?”
“I would sum this up as your bf being insecure, but it seems it runs deeper than that. he is most definitely TA.”-teadreamz
“NTA. From his wording he clearly values her cleaning service over you having a much more involved role in keeping house and family in order.”
“You are the backbone. If he thinks his mother is the difference between good order and dilapidation, he can pitch in with the cleaning.”-ScorchieSong
“NTA – ‘Offensive’ might not be the right word, but I think it is completely reasonable that his *repeated* comments bother you and make you uncomfortable.”
“Do you feel compared (negatively) to his mother? I would.”
“I would be even more uncomfortable if he refused to understand that being compared, even in an indirect manner, to someone’s mother is a huge icky turn-off. It makes me question his maturity.”-Ok-Succotash7483
And people are saying that, if they were in OP’s position, they would feel similarly upset.
“NTA. What a crappy thing to believe. I hope you can talk to him about how that made you feel. If he says he’s sorry he didn’t mean to hurt you, then healing can begin.”
“If he doubles down and/ or gets defensive, run. You’d be better off raising that child ask her parents then exposing them to that blatant disrespect that he casually throws around.”
“And it was blatant disrespect.”-Glittering-Dig9368
“NTA you should ask him since he said the house will fall apart without his mom for a week, would he say the same if you also go away for a week?”
“If he doubled down then you should just find an excuse to take off for a week and let him and his ‘backbone of our household’ mom take over. See how that ends.”
“Although let’s hope that his mom will set him straight and not just play along only to prove you wrong. This is the petty route by the way but I’m petty.”
“Best is to sit him down and make him tell you exactly how his mom is the backbone, like how much does she do and if she isn’t here, what will exactly fall apart? Let’s see how he justify his position.”-lily23222
“Nta! Since I am petty I get all your boyfriend stuff and put in your husband and take him to his mommy’s house and leave him and all his stuff there !”
“Then tell him his a** is staying there until he can learn to appreciate you and all do for him and the household! As well as give you a sincere apology!”
“I also change the locks so his unappreciated a** can’t weasel his way back in! Than when he asked when can come back home say on the day my boyfriend appreciate what I do and does not give that credit to my mother in-law; and stops pinning us against!”
“Repeat as many times as needed to get through his thick skull!”-Mrhcat
“NTA: I was going to say that you’re both entitled to your viewpoint on it so neither one of you were, but I actually think your boyfriend is kind of in the wrong here, like that statement basically is taking all of the work you put in and saying it’s all thanks to my mommy.”
“No that’s bull. I am hoping thats not the intent with the statement but no. You shouldn’t be too mad though because I feel he’s just throwing out a compliment and being grateful for his mom, which he should, but also throw some of that love your way.”
“So bottom line, anger is justified but i hope you don’t hold on to it.”-Justin1was1here
People advised OP to take stock of how she was really participating in the household.
“NTA He does realise he lives there too? That the ‘disrepair’ is at least 50% of his doing?”
“Are there some buried feelings here about his mothers involvement? Does he feel that only some mothers are ‘real’ mothers?”
“Does he resent that he doesnt get the ‘hero points’ for being the only earner, and the control that maybe goes with the title of ‘breadwinner’?”-badnewsfaery
“He seems angry. Is this about his really wanting you to do those things and wanting to make you feel competitive with his mom?”
“Is it about the money being spent? Can you ask him why the household would fall apart if Mom went away because he wouldn’t be willing to step up to keep that from happening?”
“Is Mom telling him this privately to obligate him in some way? Have you asked him if he understands that the household would fall apart if one of you lost a job?”-2ndcupofcoffee
“NTA. I’m curious, who is carrying most of the mental load in your house?”
“Because I’m going to guess it’s you, and that he’s ignoring the things that are actually the backbone of the household like making sure you have the right food, planning for the baby, etc.”-dancingspring
“Sorry dear, you married to a fellow who’s not able to man up and say what he really means. Next time he brings that up, I suggest you ask him to elaborate.”
“Listen calmly, and dig to the bottom of it with follow-up questions. Don’t react until you get to the bottom and all the questions are answered, leaving little to no room for ambiguity.”
“Then think about it for a couple of days, and render a verdict. In order to do this cleanly, you will have to be able to put your emotions in a box temporarily. Easier said than done, but feasible.”-FluxMango
Feeling underappreciated or unappreciated is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially from one’s partner.
Hopefully OP and their husband will be able to figure out, as soon as possible, how to speak to each other in a way that affirms the contribution each makes to the household.