Most of us have experienced some kind of financial trouble at some point, from job loss to debt to emergencies that have a way of coming up at the most inconvenient times.
Though it can be nice for our loved ones to help us out during these lows, it absolutely should not be expected, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor QuesyChest4437 was tired of watching their fiancé taking care of his older brother every time he experienced financial or life trouble.
But when their fiancé said they had become controlling about money, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were being too harsh.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for ripping my debit card out of my fiancé’s hand when I saw him purchasing stuff for his brother off of Amazon?”
The OP thought their fiancé felt responsible for his brother, Chris.
“My fiancé’s brother, ‘Chris,’ moved to Mississippi from our hometown 2 years ago to be with some girl he met on the internet.”
“Chris has always been the type to make terrible life choices, and my fiancé is ALWAYS the one who bails him out (with the exception of my Future-Mother-in-Law (FMIL)).”
“My fiancé does this because he has survivor’s guilt. They lived with their father growing up and their father hated Chris with a burning passion for whatever reason but loved my fiancé, ‘Heath,’ so Heath saw A LOT.”
“Yes, they both got out physically, but mentally, Chris was ruined. He refuses therapy, gets into trouble constantly, etc. He is 33, and my fiancé is 28.”
The OP then started noticing weird expenses on their account.
“So when Chris left to go to Mississippi, I was working at the hospital 70 hours a week while Heath stayed home with the kids. He had no income but he was a SAHD and this worked for us.”
“However, I started noticing money going missing quite often, and when I checked the bank statements (Heath handled them because he was an accountant for a couple of years and was better at budgeting), I noticed a s**tton of Amazon purchases and money transfers through Facebook Pay.”
“When I confronted him, he told me his brother and the chick didn’t work out, so he was helping him with like hotel stays, food, essentials, etc.”
“It’s important to note that during this time, I was p**sed because of how much money was being spent and limited him on what he could send his brother a month because it’s not my responsibility. So I didn’t make him stop but limited him.”
The spending situation did not improve, based on recent events.
“Well, budget cuts went through my hospital 2 months ago and I was cut, along with 340 other employees. 4 wings were closed down, mine being one of them. So I am currently unemployed.”
“Heath works constantly now.”
“I also just got my taxes back. We have 3 kids. I got back a big chunk of money.”
“Last night, Chris called and Heath shut the bedroom door (I assumed because the kids were being loud).”
“But I walked in roughly 10 minutes later and saw Heath had my debit card in hand, typing in the info on Amazon to buy his brother over $400 worth of s**t (books, board games, playing cards, etc., nothing that he ‘needed’).”
“I ripped the debit card out of his hand and asked him what the f**k he was doing.”
“He just looked at me like I am an AH and asked how the f**k I had the nerve to do that.”
“I told him I am not dishing out $400 worth of s**t to his brother.”
“He goes, ‘My brother has nothing to f**king do, and this is the only way I can help.'”
“He also said that since I got back a s**tton of money, I should be willing to help, especially considering he gets his paycheck Friday and can make up for it.”
“I still said no.”
“He is now saying I am a controlling AH.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA; You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP needed to cut their fiancé’s access to the account entirely.
“NTA, I’d be getting a new card and lock down the old one. Change passwords, everything. If your fiancé can’t be responsible, then leave.” – queensilence4
“You said, ‘Heath handled them because he was an accountant for a couple of years and was better at budgeting.'”
“No, he is not better at budgeting. He is better at hiding his fraud.” – fredzout
“Not sure if your card offers the same thing but my Mastercard and Amex send me a text every time they are used, within seconds. It’s a great way to make sure no one is using your card.” – CarlBassett
“Your fiance is taking you, your love, your money, and your habit of keeping patience for granted.”
“It’s your money, and it totally should be your choice and your decision where your money goes.” – Motor-Combination-45
“NTA. Please separate your finances; your husband cannot be trusted. That money is for you as a family and for you to be able to feed and clothe your children.”
“Your BIL needs a job and your husband needs therapy.” – TheDuchess5939
“I want/need a few things for myself but guess what? My daughter needs food and the car needs gas so I save like a big girl. Your BIL needs to start acting like an adult.” – cooradical
“I remember when I was really young and asking my dad for something, specifically using the words, ‘I need it.’ He told me that there are wants and needs, that I wanted the thing but I definitely didn’t need it.”
“BIL doesn’t need anything other than a reality check and someone to smack the entitlement out of him. $400 is a ridiculous amount to spend on random stuff because you’re bored. He needs to get a job, buy a book, and get over himself.”
“OP, NTA. If your husband insists his brother needs these things, he can wait until AFTER he’s been paid and any bills and expenses have been paid out and fritter away his own money.”
“Cancel your bank card and keep the new one somewhere out of his reach. He’s proven he can’t currently be trusted.” – Wisdom_Dear
Others thought the OP might need to think about ending the relationship.
“NTA. You need to have a hard talk with your husband. He needs to stop this behavior or you walk.”
“That money could have been put towards your kids’ future instead of giving it to your BIL to set on fire. If he can’t see the error in his ways, it’s a marriage ender.” – johnny9k
“He’s literally taking from his own kids to give to his brother. This is 100% how she needs to put it when talking to him about the issue. That $400 you spent on your brother’s non-essential entertainment could have been $133 in a college fund for each of your kids.” – Glitter_is_a_neutral
“With Heath’s helping himself to OP’s money without permission, she might as well be married to a guy like Chris who blows up his life at every turn. Why? Because Heath feels compelled to finance Chris while he blows up his life at every turn.”
“OP needs to either straighten this out with Heath in therapy or nix the engagement before she has any more legal ties to him than the fact that they have kids.” – Either_Coconut
“Our guy is enabling his good for nothing brother, who will NEVER grow up as long as he keeps getting money for nothing.”
“This is SICK, and if you’re smart, you’ll realize this is NEVER going to end. DUMP BOTH OF THEM NOW!!!” – Massive_Hornet_9401
“OP, you’re not the a**hole, and DO lock that s**t down.”
“But also, you’re so lucky you aren’t married yet or you would also have to freeze your credit. Remember that if you tie the knot while he’s still addicted to buying guilt gifts.”
“It’s SO crazy to me that he’s blowing cash on board games and stuff because his brother is ‘bored.’ Is he in prison or something? Can he not get a job to help with the boredom and the buying and pointless crap himself?”
“It’s maddening. You’re not an a**hole. He can’t blow dinner funds on card games. You have kids to feed and CHRIS? He’s not one of them. NTA!” – Can-I-get-a-Challah
“Your husband is enabling him with YOUR money. I know, I know, when you are married it becomes ‘our’ money, but not in this case.”
“He is taking food from your children’s mouths and endangering the roof over their heads due to his own inability to resolve whatever internal guilt he has.”
“He can go live with his brother and ‘help’ him if he cares so much more about him than the family he chose to have.” – agarrabrant
Though being called controlling gave the OP pause, the subReddit insisted that was the last label they would give to the OP.
Rather, they supported the idea of separating their finances entirely, so the future husband and brother-in-law would no longer have access to the OP’s money, especially if they were simply solving issues of boredom.