A devoutly Catholic mother got better acquainted with her son’s girlfriend after inviting her over for a family dinner.
But by the end of the meal, Redditor “pialiania” was not won over and deemed the girlfriend as an unsuitable fit—not only for her son—but for the entire family.
The Original Poster (OP) asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for “grilling” her son’s girlfriend and offering to set her son up with a different girl from church.
The OP wrote:
“My son (m[ale] 20) has been dating a girl he goes to university with for about 6 months now.”
“She’s an international student from New Zealand, but has family here so is staying with them during [the pandemic].”
“Due to lockdown restrictions and such, we hadn’t met her until a couple nights ago, when I invited her over for dinner with my family. We had FaceTimed a few times but not spoken a lot.”
“My husband and I are very Catholic and traditional, but spent a lot of our 20s travelling the world, including New Zealand.”
The OP used the girlfriend’s home country and the Indigenous culture to which she belonged as a talking point, but the topic failed to bring her closer to the dinner guest.
“We visited her hometown so asked her a few questions about it which she happily answered, but when I asked about her Maori heritage and family, became quite uncomfortable and said she didn’t know a whole lot about it which I find hard to believe.”
“We asked her if she was religious, she laughed and said no.”
When the subject turned to education, the girlfriend did not gain any points with the OP.
“We asked her about her degree which she seemed very passionate about, but it’s a fashion degree which isn’t exactly going to get her very far, in comparison to my son who is a law student.”
“It’s clear she loves my son and it’s mutual, and my other children adored her, but I don’t think she’s the right fit for my son.”
Hearing about the girlfriend’s relationship with her parents didn’t help much either.
“Her parents were both 16 when they had her, and she’s very open with the fact that they have a strong dislike for each other and haven’t spoken since she was 6 months old.”
“She also seems to have a bizarre relationship with each of her parents.”
“After dinner she went and played monopoly with my daughters and sons, and made a couple crude jokes, as well as laughing at my son, her boyfriend, when he lost.”
“My son asked me if she could stay, and I said she could as long as she slept in a separate room which he said was ridiculous as they’re both 20 and are living together next year. She decided to leave as she ‘didn’t feel welcome’.”
“After she left I told my son I didn’t approve and that I could set him up with a nice girl from my church if he preferred but he said he loves her and was furious I would even suggest it.”
“My other son, who’s 16, heard me and said he really liked her. My husband said that even if I felt like that, I shouldn’t vocalise it because it’s clear my son loves her.”
“I understand that but he should be with someone more suitable for our family in my opinion. AITA?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
People were unforgiving in Reddit-land.
“So let’s get this straight – you interrogated her about religion and her heritage the first time meeting her, suggested your son date someone else after she left, and you’re wondering why she didn’t feel welcome? YTA” – onelonelystringbean
This is the kind of conflict that isolated this Redditor from their parents.
“My parents were just like this with every person I dated. It made me want to hide a bunch of relationships.”
“I never took a s/o home because they always did this and it made me feel like their ideas and religion were more important than their own kids.”
“They went ballistic when I came out of the closet. I’m going on a year of no contact now. This is a good way to lose your son. YTA.” – DeathPunkin
“YTA, majorly, your son isn’t looking for you to set him up with someone, it seems he has a very nice girlfriend and you’ve been an a** to her.”
“Either suck it up or you’ll probably be seeing a lot less of your son’s girlfriend AND your son.” – sincerelysunshine
“Seriously, like news flash when your kid gets married they’re starting their own nuclear family that will take precedent over their extended family.”
“You want to still be included in the extended family you have to support and respect their nuclear family.” – ACK_02554
“YTA it sounds like she is suitable for the family the siblings like her, the dad seemed rather indifferent, and tbh the only one that actually mattered anyway, the one dating her, likes her.”
“You however, have you thought maybe you aren’t suitable for the family?” – TheVoicesSayHi
“She means more suitable for herself. She’s the only one with a problem.” – skydiamond01
“I enjoyed the part where she criticized the girl for not wanting to speak in depth about her Maori heritage.”
“Maoris are not a monolith! Maybe her family just isn’t that big on culture? Or maybe she just didn’t want to speak about it with this ‘conservative catholic’ lady?” – notaceleb490
People had strong opinions about the OP and her husband’s intent behind their early days of travel.
“Sh*t, now that you mention it, how much do you wanna bet all the ‘traveling’ this woman and her husband did were actually missionary trips to convert people?” – hydrangeasinbloom
“OP tries to come off as being well traveled, but she’s probably one of those people who screams at the locals for not speaking English.” –
“How much do you want to bet those travels were missionary trips? Not about experiencing other cultures, but quite the opposite, to replace other cultures with their own, christian culture.” – ohdearitsrichardiii
People exposed the OP’s indifference to the girlfriend’s culture for what it really was.
This Redditor quoted the OP to demonstrate their point.
“’I asked about her Maori heritage and family, became quite uncomfortable and said she didn’t know a whole lot about it which I find hard to believe’.”
“You skimmed over the racist part.”
“Op absolutely YTA and remember this when your son cuts contact, which for his sake I really hope he does.” – Buffy11bnl
“I’ll be the AH and say it. Questioning her about her Indigenous heritage when first meeting her just seems like there might be a racist subtext here.” – outlsbn
“And also suggesting he can just toss aside the person he loves and just replace her with someone new.”
“OP seems like such a warm and caring person.” – ohdearitsrichardiii
“Interrogating an Indigenous person about their heritage (involving colonization) and Catholicism/Christianity which has indoctrinated thousands of Indigenous and caused irreparable cultural harm…. Biggest YTA I’ve seen In a while” – Champagnest
If the OP came to Reddit looking for online support for her convictions, she came to the wrong sanctuary.