in , ,

Man Called Out For Setting Off Autistic Brother-In-Law With Sensory Issues By Ordering Nachos

Two people eat nachos

Ordering food in mixed company can be an issue.

Sometimes others are allergic to anything on the plate near them.

Sometimes the smells bother people.

There are so many obstacles to dinner.

How does one navigate?

Case in point…

Redditor Consistent_Cat_1126 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for ordering nachos even though it ‘deeply offended and set off’ my brother in law’s autism and sensory issues?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My B[other] I[n] L[aw] is 32 (wife and I are 25), and while I don’t doubt that some of his issues are real (autism, A[utism] S[pectrum] D[isorder] set point obesity), it is my distinct impression that he exploits people’s perception of these things to be a controlling prick.”

“In the family, saying such things is completely forbidden, however.”

“We offered to take my M[other] I[n] L[aw] and F[ather] I[n] L[aw] out for Easter dinner so no one has to cook.”

“The timing offered was strategic since we knew BIL had planned on watching TikTok live stream of some 19-year-old influencer who is blowing up right now.”

“But I guess either he got the time wrong or she canceled early, so my heart sank when he was coming along because I knew there was going to be drama.”

“We went to a place famous for bar food, and I ordered nachos.”

“My wife begged me to order something else, but she wasn’t direct with me about the problem, and I didn’t get her hints.”

“As soon as I took my first bite of nachos, my BIL started shrieking like a child and throwing a little tantrum that the crunch was ‘killing him.'”

“And he’s going to lose it because black olives don’t belong on nachos because they are from Spain, not Mexico.”

“My wife, MIL, and FIL told me I really screwed up and that I was making him uncomfortable.”

“In a moment of pure honesty, I told them that the list of ‘not alloweds’ around Brian is so long and damn ridiculous that I can’t keep up.”

“My wife said she tried to tell me.”

“I said no, you didn’t tell me, you pussyfooted around it like we do every time this creep ruins a family function.”

“BIL, FIL, and MIL got up and left leaving us with the bill, and needless to say, things between me and my wife have been tense ever since, and we really haven’t spoken.”

“I am absolutely the a**hole for my choice of words after he freaked out, and I get that, but I also think things needed to be said.”

“But my question is, am I the a**hole for ordering the nachos?”

“My wife says I should have known since she’s sure she’s told me, and I had to have noticed that they never have chips around because his mysophobia can’t handle the crunch.”

“AITA here?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA. Nacho problem.” ~ Snoo52682

“NTA. No one can let their problems move to other people.”

“If BIL cannot cope, then he has to remove himself from those situations?”

“What would he have done if the people at the table right next to him ordered the nachos?” ~ The_A**hole_Judge

“The thing about the table next to him is what did it for me.”

“If the family would treat BILs requirements as serious health-related issues, they would not have taken him to a place that’s known for bar food since that means crunchy things like nachos will possibly be eaten within earshot.”

“They have no control over neighboring tables and their orders.”

“This means that they either know that BIL is just putting on an act and likes controlling the table under the guise of things like misophonia, and they enable him doing that.”

“Or that they do a really bad job at accommodating his issues.”

“I’m autistic as well and there are certain things that I know don’t work for me, at least not without majorly stressing me out – so I avoid them and tell my friends and family about it so that we can look for productive solutions.”

“For example, I always try to sit with my back facing a wall so that there are no guests and servers walking past my back all the time.”

“I also don’t like sharing food using already used cutlery or drinking out of the same glass as someone else.”  ~ conscious_ocelot1270

“Agreed: OP sounds like you are just trying to live your life, and they are upset that it does not revolve around enabling your BiL.”

“Not sure what the way through is on this one as the three (four if you include your wife) appear to have made this a core part of their identity.”

“To be clear, not blaming the autism or people with it, just saying these people are a**holes.” ~ somewhatclevr

“NTA – I am an autistic adult with misophonia.”

“Though, BIL seems to have far greater support needs than I do.”

“Regardless, restaurants are one of my triggers and I know this.”

“So I don’t go to them when I am having a rough day or have been emotionally dysregulated from anything else recent.”

“If he is being cared for by the parents, and he doesn’t know how to gauge his symptoms on his own, they need to help out by not putting him in a sensory nightmare.”

“He most likely cannot help his reactions.”

“But your wife should have been 100% transparent and explicit in communicating her bother’s needs to you.” ~ LastGoodBadIdea

“NTA. You are in a bar.”

“Nachos are on the menu.”

“Someone in the bar will order them, even if you don’t – and what will your BIL do then?”

“He needs to get a pair of noise-canceling earbuds and stop being a controlling a**hole.” ~ abitofasitdown

“NTA. As I was reading this I saw ‘BIL started shrieking like a child and throwing a little tantrum that she crunches was ‘killing him’ and I was like ooh man, then immediately ‘and he’s going to lose it because black olives don’t belong on nachos because they are from Spain, not Mexico.'”

“And I was like WTF. I think OP might be onto something with BIL weaponizing his issues but regardless of whether he is or isn’t full of it, everyone else cannot be expected to dance around his behavior 100% of the time.”

“Once in a while? Sure.” ~ OutrageousLuck4231

“NTA. He is a high-functioning adult.”

“I have worked with A[utism] S[pectrum] D[isorder] folks and they can learn to get over some of these fears.”

“It seems that someone has not worked with him over the years and has simply pussyfooted around with teaching another ADULT.”

“Also, once they see there is an issue, they know to pull that person away.”

“NTA. Crunch Time!!”  ~ 96XJ40

“Hey, autistic adult here.”

“Don’t listen to the other commenter who clearly rides that moral high horse all the live long day.”

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this but ‘ASD folks’ is totally fine.”

“Some of us have issues with high and low-functioning labels, but I personally never have.”

“It’s just an objective indicator of support needs.”

“Ableism is such a freaking reach, lol.”

“You’re all good, except maybe your username.”

“What does it even mean, lol.”  ~ MARKLAR5

“NTA. These people catering to the guy have enabled him to be an entitled and violent a**hole.”

“He should not be taken out to restaurants, as his behavior poses a risk to others.” ~ AllCrankNoSpark

“NTA. Clearly, your wife needed to be direct about why you shouldn’t order the nachos.”

“If the reason was the crunching, I would say probably skip ordering them.”

“But if the reason was the olives, I’d say forget it and order the nachos.”

“Misophonia is one thing, but dictating every detail about what other people can eat is another.” ~ Moon-Queen95

“NTA. I get that sensory issues are very troubling for people on the spectrum, but by the age of 32 and seemingly high functioning, these are things that should be known, and ways to diffuse the situation should be planned for.”

“The fact that nobody shot down your order point blank, knowing what was going to happen, is a failure on their part to adhere to the needs of their family member and setting you both up for failure.”

“Sure, you didn’t respond the best way but they also seemingly came out to you with intense blame and strong feelings about you purposely trying to disrupt the situation, which I gather wasn’t your intention at all.”

“I get frustrated by the situation, but putting the responsibility solely on you isn’t justified.”

“It was just a crappy situation, and the result should have been learning better ways to communicate about these things than placing blame.”  ~ JennHatesYou

“NTA for ordering nachos.”

“It’s his job to manage his feelings and behavior.”

“If he has misophonia, he or his parents need to bring noise-canceling headphones with them to dinner.”

“Would he have lost his mind if the person at the table next to him ordered nachos?”  ~ prairieislander

“NTA. Why the heck did they invite BIL along in the first place when it was supposed to be just the 4 of you??”

“Doesn’t matter if his plans were ruined. You all made a plan to go somewhere without him and should have been able to do so.”

“The in-laws are the a**holes here for having BIL tag along on the outing when he wasn’t originally invited.”  ~ Ophallas_Faithful

Well, OP, Reddit is with you.

It is difficult navigating family dynamics.

Maybe you and your wife should have a discussion about communication and rules regarding her brother.

Good luck.