The responsibilities of being a guest in someone’s home can be a bit confusing.
Many people feel that as someone is being gracious enough to host them, they should put in a bit of an effort with cleaning, cooking and other chores.
Others, on the other hand, have no trouble being treated to everything by their host, with the understanding that they are a guest, not a roommate or a tenant.
These expectations can be even more confusing for the one hosting.
Redditor had become the go to host for Thanksgiving, with their siblings coming from out of town to join the original poster (OP) and their sister.
While the OP enjoyed hosting, the sheer cost of doing so was becoming more and more of a burden.
With this in mind, the OP contemplated making their sibling’s involvement in this year’s thanksgiving a little bit different.
Wondering if this would be out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my siblings to contribute to Thanksgiving this year?”
The OP explained why they hoped they might have a bit more support from their siblings than they had in Thanksgivings past:
“Background: My sister and I own our family home, we bought it from our parents, and it’s where everyone gathers for holidays since its bigger and easier to fit us all.”
“One sibling (and SO) lives 5hrs away and another (and SO) flies in from the East Coast.”
“They all stay with us to save on a hotel.”
“Here’s the issue: for the past few years, the ones coming from out of town haven’t contributed ANYTHING to Thanksgiving.”
“No food, cooking help, or cleaning up afterwards.”
“They also expect breakfast, lunch, and or snacks before the main meal.”
“I do most of the cooking – SIL does the turkey and rolls, and our mom jumps in towards the end to help, but that’s it.”
“Meanwhile everyone else is chatting and hanging out.”
“After the meal, they all move to the couch while I’m stuck on clean up and desert duty.”
“I’ll admit, it is my fault for setting the precedent by doing everything myself, but they are all adults.”
“Get off your ass and help with something!”
“I understand they are spending money to come see us and its wonderful to see them but its costing me a lot of money and time to host them.”
“The sister I share the house with says we shouldn’t ask for money cause they are already spending so much to see us but she also doesn’t do anything for meals or getting the house ready for guests (she works A LOT so it falls on me to do a lot of it).”
“Would I be the a**hole if I asked them to either chip in some money or to help clean up afterwards?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for asking their siblings to chip in for this year’s Thanksgiving dinner.
While many did agree the OP did complicate matters a little bit by setting the precedent they mentioned, they were also surprised that none of the OP’s siblings had even offered to help out in the past, but urged the OP to bring this matter up with their siblings sooner rather than later:
“NTA.”
“But, have you considered assigning specific tasks to individuals?”
“‘Joe, bring those dishes into the kitchen. Thanks.”
“‘Mary, you’re in charge of xxx this year. Thanks’.”
“‘James, there’s a broom in the closet over there. Sweep up for us. Thanks’.”
“If you don’t give people specific tasks, they tend not to do anything, assuming you’ve got it covered.”- LabInner262
“NTA.”
“Yes, you did set a precedent, but your sister has no room to critique you since she isn’t doing the work of hosting either.”
“In my family, my mother-in-law creates a spreadsheet and everyone has to sign up for at least two things (one food item and one chore), per person, not couple.”
“She lists a bunch of example dishes (appetizers, sides, main dishes) and you can sign up for one of the dishes listed or you can create your own listing.”
“She also lists all the chores (setting the table, bringing out food, clearing the table, putting food away, dishes, take trash out, help with child care).”
“It’s a family holiday, this is what families do, they help each other.”
“It is entirely unreasonable to expect one person to do all the work, especially if you create a list of everything that has to be done to accomplish the holiday.”
“If they are not willing to participate like a family, I would honestly stop hosting.”
“Tell them they can host it at one of their houses.”- DrDeannaTroi
“NTA.”
“Assign jobs.”
“If they are going to act like children, treat them like children by giving them chores.”
“If it’s a money thing, fine.”
“Don’t ask them to purchase things.”
“Ask them to DO things.”
“Highly recommend giving men their fair distribution of labor too.”
“The new precedent starts now.”- eowynsheiress
“‘Here’s the issue: for the past few years, the ones coming from out of town haven’t contributed ANYTHING to Thanksgiving. No food, cooking help, or cleaning up afterwards. They also expect breakfast, lunch, and or snacks before the main meal’.”
“Ya…that would not fly in my family, lol.”
“I am the one coming in from out of town and always contribute to planning, providing side-dish (sometimes the main), cleaning, etc.”
“We even host a dinner for everyone at our AirBnB.”
“NTA for asking for your family for help.”
“Holidays are a big endeavor and should never land on just a couple of people while other able-bodied family members lay around soaking it all in.”
“I wouldn’t ask, btw.”
“I would say, ‘we’re doing it differently this year, I have a menu and need everyone to sign up for a side dish/dessert of some kind’.”
“Then after it’s all done and the cleaning needs to begin, go and get those who are kicking back.”
“No one gets to just sit when others are working their asses off.”
“Tell them ‘many hands make light work’ and that is 100% true.”
“You’ll be finished in record time.”- IamIrene
“NTA.”
“But if you haven’t already, communicate with them!”
“Tell them that you’re getting overwhelmed doing it mostly on your own, and then assign tasks for people to do!”
“You could even phrase it as a fun bonding activity if you guys don’t get to see each other much outside of family meals every so often!”
“What I am saying is, you have to communicate how you feel if you haven’t already.”
“They can’t read your mind after all.”- sjwarise
“NTA.”
“I am mixed on the money thing.”
“Assuming you all want to spend time together, someone will be footing the bill for travel and someone for food.”
“It would be worthwhile to figure out if there is a big disparity there.”
“Regardless of who pays, the people who do not cook should 100%%%%%% be doing the cleaning.”- gcot802
“Instead of telling us, TELL THEM ASAP what the expectations will be the next time they come to visit.”
“If they don’t contribute food, they will be expected to clean up afterwards.”
“NTA.”- GirlDad2023_
“NTA.”
“Maybe suggest going out to a restaurant and splitting the bill.”
“If they ask why, tell them it is just too much on you physically and financially.”
“Who could argue with that?”
“Hopefully they’ll suggest something they’re comfortable with, like helping clean or throwing some cash towards an item.”- Shakeit126
“NTA.”
“And shame on them for not being grown up enough to offer to help without being asked.”
“That being said, you need to ask them to contribute.”- Chris45925
“Asking for money up front isn’t likely to end well.”
“Having said that…there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying (preferably in advance), ‘Hey, guys, it takes a lot of work to get the house ready, buy all the food, and do all the cooking – can you handle cleanup after the meal?'”
“At that point, take what you can get – contributions to cover food, help cooking, cleanup, whatever.”
“NTA – and good luck.”- wesmorgan1
“NTA for asking, but I think you’re right to blame yourself for not setting the expectation and asking for help when you needed it.”
“Still, it’s fine to reset the expectation and to do so early.”
“Reach out to the family and just say you need help.”
“That doing family Thanksgiving is costly both in time, effort, and money, and you would very much like people to contribute to one or more of those buckets.”- inturnaround
The OP isn’t wrong in being concerned about asking them for this financial assistance now, when they never asked before.
However, perhaps bringing this up might result in the OP’s siblings taking a moment to reflect on their own behavior and how they never offered any help themselves.
Perhaps, appropriately, this also allows them to realize how thankful they should be that the OP is willing to host Thanksgiving year after year.