We can all agree that weddings are meant to be a special and exciting occasion, as well as a time to celebrate a new life in love.
But while it’s important for nothing to distract from that, there have to be limits to that concept, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Much-Comfortable-242 was taken aback when his sister demanded that his newlywed wife not wear her wedding ring to the ceremony, so their new marriage would distract from his sister’s.
But when she was furious for his response, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was somehow wrong to decline.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my sister that, of course, my wife will wear her ring at her wedding?”
The OP recently eloped.
“My (25 Male) wife (25 Female) and I recently eloped. Neither of us wanted to attention or the expense of a big wedding, so we did our own little vacation where we got married.”
“We didn’t tell our families beforehand because we knew they’d freak out.”
“They weren’t thrilled to have missed it, but they accepted it and haven’t given us a hard time since the initial shock.”
The OP’s sister was excited about her big wedding.
“My sister ‘Kate’ (27 Female), on the other hand, has been planning a wedding for over a year.”
“She and her Fiancé dated 8 years before getting engaged, so to say she’s been waiting for this day a long time is a bit of an understatement.”
“Her wedding is in 2 weeks and she’s been slightly bridezilla-esque in the last stages of planning.”
The OP was surprised when his sister confronted him about eloping.
“On Sunday I was at my parents’ house with her, my wife was not present.”
“Kate expressed that she was mad at me for getting married so close to her wedding when I knew that this was a big deal to her.”
“She said I was unfairly taking attention away from her.”
“I told her that no, this was always our plan, and the timing had to do with when we could go on a certain trip that we took off work for. It had nothing to do with her wedding.”
His sister was still worried about them stealing focus.
“She then said that since it’s so close and not everyone in our family knows about my marriage yet, we should not tell anyone and not have my wife wear her ring.”
“I told her she’s absolutely ridiculous to think that my wife, a newlywed, is not going to be wearing her wedding ring because a bride is jealous.”
“I didn’t even relay this request to my wife because it seems so ridiculous.”
“Kate freaked out and then I found out she texted my wife yesterday very passive-aggressively saying it would be selfish of her to wear it at the wedding in two weeks.”
“My wife hasn’t responded and agrees with me that it’s ridiculous, but also doesn’t want to ruffle feathers either. She’s pretty non-confrontational.”
“But now my parents are involved, saying they agree Kate’s request is dumb, but they kind of want to keep the peace.”
“Skipping the wedding isn’t being discussed before anyone suggests that, and Kate hasn’t uninvited us either. I’m a groomsman and our parents are paying so she can’t really anyway. But it’s causing some annoying tension.”
“Am I being unreasonable here?”
The OP updated the post with a few clarifications.
“Neither my wife nor I have social media.”
“I’m not planning to make an announcement. I’m just saying my wife will be wearing her ring and we aren’t going to pretend we are not married.”
“My extended family is not close, they are basically strangers to me. And my sister’s friends are more just friendly acquaintances, some that I used to play sports with. None of them are people I would consider friends or would invite to my own if I were to have a traditional wedding.”
“People asking why we did not wait a while to get married: It’s tough to align our time off and we want to purchase a house together but not before marriage. Interest rates in the US are rising and are expected to raise more throughout the next year.”
“Establishing our lives together was our priority, we were not thinking about someone else’s wedding because we don’t think the guests will actually care.”
“It’s obviously Kate and her fiancé’s day and we don’t think any of the attention will actually be on us.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some stressed the importance of not announcing their elopement at Kate’s wedding.
“You should tell the people who will care BEFORE the wedding. Otherwise, Kate’s wedding is going to turn into your wedding announcement and that’s not okay.”
“You don’t announce marriages, pregnancies, engagement, etc at other peoples weddings. It’s rude as f**k.” – winsomebunny
“If the OP were to announce, it’s guaranteed there will be someone there that says, ‘It’s like 2 weddings’ or some stupid s**t like that. Never underestimate the naivety of family. Even if they had the best intentions, they could potentially spoil it.”
“That’s under good circumstances, with a bridezilla, it might be a huge issue.” – Remarkable_Owl3610
“It sounds like you really don’t understand why this is a big deal to her. But when she spends her wedding day that she’s been planning for a year having people talking to her about your surprise marriage, don’t be shocked if she’s upset about it.” – Mabelisms
“I was at a cousin’s baby shower and was newly pregnant myself. We hadn’t told everyone who was going to be there. We sort of figured everyone would have the sense not to mention my pregnancy at someone else’s shower.”
“When an excited grandparent-to-be spilled the beans, I basically said, ‘Yep, I’m pregnant. Not really the time to talk about it, though. Oh hey, did you see Cousin has that ‘write a message on a onesie’ station set up? Let’s go decorate a shirt for her baby.'”
“If someone brings it up, all OP has to do is say, ‘Yep, but we’re at Kate’s wedding right now so let’s focus on that.’ It doesn’t have to be a big thing, and if someone else tries to make it a thing then it’s easy enough to shut down.” – ThievingRock
Others didn’t think the OP and his wife were wrong to attend as newlyweds.
“My brother and I got married a few months apart. I had a big reception, as did he, but our social circles were both very different, but also overlapped quite a bit, in that I had met/worked with/dated people that knew my brother.”
“But they were not people I kept in my life as friends, not unfriendly, just, I’m not good at keeping in touch with people, especially since he’s a number of years older than I am, so these people were too.”
“When they saw me with my wife at his reception, they came up to us and would ask who my wife is, and I would introduce her as such, they were often surprised, and would give the ‘oh, congrats! that’s great!’ comments, and in no way, shape, or form did it distract from my brother’s wedding, and the comments saying that it would are ridiculous. NTA.” – aroundincircles
“Anything else you’re forbidden from discussing to avoid destroying the day by taking the attention from the narciss.. ahem, bride?”
“A new job? College acceptance? What if you bought a new house or a car, are you allowed to mention that or are you supposed to fawn over how gorgeous the couple looked all night?” – dyllandor
“This wild American idea that the bride must be the laser focus of attention all freaking day is completely bananas.”
“People can have more than one thought in their heads, can’t they?”
“Also, it is natural that family members that have not seen each other in a while will exchange news, particularly big ones. As long as there isn’t some kind of big show (taking the DJ’s mike as the example above), what is the problem?”
“Not everyone is on social media 24/7 and is super up to date on what every single family member and friend is doing all the time.”
“Does the bride police conversations too?”
“Must every guest mention the bride’s name every 5 minutes?” – gordito_delgado
“The bride is so unrealistic. Wedding talk is so boring straight after the wedding. Yes, talk about it, and congratulations. But the majority of the talking is catching up and talking about other things.” – Megalush
“No doubt if OP were to tell people before the wedding, the narciss-bride’s reaction would be to flip her s**t, saying, ‘How dare OP to announce their marriage before my wedding day and take all the attention off of me!'” – heart_RN115
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Future BIL called me last night saying that Kate was embarrassed for how she was acting.”
“He agrees with me that our recent marriage won’t be a major topic of discussion and said of course my wife can wear her ring and we don’t have to act like we aren’t married.”
“My dad made a point to say he won’t shine the spotlight on us during his Father of the Bride speech and we’re not expecting others to make note of it in their toasts either. We’re all good here.”
While the subReddit had nothing against the OP eloping, or his wife wearing her ring, or the couple attending Kate’s wedding, they were careful to point out that tact would be important in this situation.
However, as long as the couple wasn’t using another person’s wedding to announce their own marriage and steal focus from the bride and groom, them doing what was best for them really shouldn’t be a problem.