Bringing a baby home is a moment of immeasurable joy.
The first few weeks, or even months, of parenthood, however, will also be among the most exhausting of any new parent’s life.
And nothing can truly prepare you for how all encompassing parenthood truly is.
The brother of Redditor builtfordrama recently welcomed a new baby with his wife.
When visiting their brother, sister-in-law (SIL) and their new baby, the original poster (OP) was more than a little shocked by the condition of their home, as well as the behavior of the OP’s SIL.
Resulting in the OP confronting her about it.
Fearing they might have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my brother’s wife that being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean being a stay in bed mom?”
The OP explained why they felt compelled to confront their SIL:
“My brother 27 M[ale] and his wife 25 F[emale] have a 5 month old baby.”
“He works for long hours while she stays in home to take care of their baby and I live about 10 minutes away from them and drop by sometimes to help.”
“But lately every time I go there she’s in bed scrolling on her phone or saying she needs a break.”
“The house is a mess, bottles everywhere, laundry not done, dishes in the sink, baby crying most of the time.”
“Last weekend my brother called me saying he was losing it.”
“When I got there he was trying to cook dinner with one hand and holding the baby with the other.”
“His wife was literally in bed watching Netflix.”
“I ended up feeding the baby, cleaning up a bit and helping him calm things down while she stayed in bed the whole time.”
“After that I went to her and asked if she was okay and she replied ‘yeah a bit exhausted’.”
“I can understand that being a new mom is rough for people but my brother works 40-50 hours a week and still helps with the baby so I lost my cool and said ‘Being in home doesn’t mean that you always have to be in the bed scrolling and watching tv shows’.”
“She started to cry and complained to my brother.”
“Now he is mad at me for hurting her.”
“I literally don’t have anything against her I just felt bad for him doing everything by himself and he is still mad at me for that.”
“AITA? to say these things to her just because I wanted to help my brother?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who largely believed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for confronting their SIL.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP seemed to be postpartum depression, and rather than scold and confront her, they should have stepped up and offered to help her. Many pointed out how the OP’s brother wasn’t “helping” with the baby, but was the baby’s parent, and was doing the bare minimum:
“Firstly, stop looking at it like your brother is ‘helping’ her.”
“That’s his kid; if he were a single parent, he would be doing it all, not helping.”
“If her behavior has always been like this, then I kind of sit on the fence because sometimes people need a wake-up call, like you’re now a parent, lift your game!”
“If this behavior has only started since having the baby, then YTA, it should be obvious that something is going on, it could be PND or something physical causing no energy.”
“Lack of sleep can beat your body up.”- Few_Step_7444
“YTA.”
“For the phrasing ‘and he still helps with baby,’ like yah his own baby?”
“I get not doing the bulk of household chores after working, but childcare is not the same as housekeeping.”
“I echo comments here that she needs to see a doctor- it isn’t good for baby to have limited interaction.”
“You should have come from a place of concern, not from ‘losing it’ for your brother.”
“I think people sometimes forget that his wife is is family now in a way that you are not.”
“He will choose (and rightfully) her over you.”- PracticalComputer183
“YTA.”
“When my kids were babies, I had never been more exhausted in my whole life.”
“It was like I was in a fog for the first nine months of their life.”
“And I’m going to be so real, even though I was putting so much energy into being a mom and keeping my babies alive, my house was a hot mess.”
“It’s hard to do dishes one-handed.”
“It’s hard to vacuum one-handed. I still tried to do all of the things, but it just took longer and was harder.”
“Sometimes my babies were chill, but often, they didn’t want to be put down.”
“It felt like I was holding my babies 24/7 sometimes.”
“And that’s not taking into account PPD, which is a very real possibility.”- Piano-mom
“YTA.”
“The baby is only five months old.”
“She might be up all night feeding baby/ comforting baby.”
“She may still be physically and hormonally recovering.”
“She may have PPD.”
“She’s in survival mode right now and your judgment on the state of their house is not helpful.”
“It takes a village and if your brother is away from home so much then she’s going to struggle on her own.”
“Give her a break.”- Goodbyecaution
“YTA.”
“It wasn’t your place to say anything at all.”
“She’s a new mom dealing with hormone swings, sleepless nights and possibly PPD.”
“If you really needed to say something, you should have been kind and curious instead of nasty and accusatory.”
“Also, what you said was very bratty but not particularly clever.”
“How old are you, out of curiosity?”- ahsmabaar_thegardner
“YTA.”
“This screams that she has postpartum depression.”
“I get everyone else’s frustration but did anyone stop and think about this?”
“Honestly it was not this person’s place to say what they said.”
“Is she a bad mother?”
“Maybe, but how about trying to weed out any other medical reasons before dunking on her.”
“Talk to bro, not SIL.”- Kairiste
“YTA.”
“Your brother’s long hours are your SIL’s long hours as the sole caretaker of an infant, and at 5 months her body is probably still recovering.”– Four_beastlings
“YTA.”
“This is an absolute screaming sign of PPD.”
“And this isn’t some super secret only PPD symptom, it’s one of the most common visual symptoms of depression.”
“She’s in crisis.”
“Get her help or get out of the way so someone else can.”- ABelleWriter
“YTA.”
‘”still helps with the baby’ is the golden tip I was looking for.”
“Helps with the baby, not raises his own child, of course.”
“Either be the help, get her help or leave this woman alone.”
“Your brother asked you to help him manage the household….not his wife.”
“You made the decision to do this because I think you find your brother taking on the majority of household chores ‘displacing’ for you.”
“You don’t care about the baby, and you don’t care about her.”
“Only your brother!”
“How is this going to help your brother anyway?”
“Now his wife will be doubting herself more, and far more insecure about her role as a mother and wife which is what all new mothers need?”
“And of course, if she is suffering from exhaustion, we know a good old-fashioned dressing down is what will restore her strength.”
“How daft!”
“You sound young, so you’re going to learn this the hard way, but people always remember who kicked them when they were down.”
“You keep that in mind going forward.”
“We don’t want you back here complaining about not being invited to a 1st birthday party or mad because you weren’t invited to meet the 2nd baby.”- SheLikesToWatch_1989
“YTA.”
“Your brother SHOULD be helping with HIS BABY after work.”
“You said something rude and demeaning to your sister-in-law at a very vulnerable time.”
“How cruel.”
“You should check yourself and apologize.”- ElkIslandAgateHunter
“YTA.”
“Whatever is happening with her, you were rude, and that comment was unnecessary.”
“Your brother needed help and you only made it worse for him.”- johjo_has_opinions
“YTA.”
“You could have come to her from a supportive place, and instead you admonished her.”
“If you have nothing helpful to sa,y then mind your own business.”
“And btw, when your brother comes home from work, of course he should be minding his child.”
“She’s had the baby all day and is clearly struggling.”- OzQuandry
One has to wonder how many times the OP has visited a home with a new baby in it.
As most of them are anything but pristinely clean, owing to parental exhaustion.
More often than not, if their houses are clean, it’s likely owing to help from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends. Help that the OP could have provided to their SIL, instead of criticizing her.
It’s safe to say the OP will think back on their behavior with embarrassment should they ever have children of their own.