Grief is an individual process. Every person handles it differently.
But is there a wrong way to grieve? Or a wrong way to move on from grief?
One Redditor was accused of remembering his late wife in an inappropriate manner. So they consulted the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor aitathrowaway10293 asked:
“AITA for quoting my dead wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife was a physical therapist. As a joke, sometimes instead of saying ‘my back is sore,’ she’d say ‘my trapezius is sore’ (or whatever) naming the specific muscle.”
“I think it came from one of her professors in school. I realize it’s not the pinnacle of comedy, but I loved her, and I thought everything she said was hilarious.”
“She passed 2.5 years ago, when she was hit by a drunk driver at age 27. I miss her a lot, but I feel I’ve done a good job at moving forward in life.”
“Every now and then, I’ll make the same ‘joke’ she used to, if my legs are sore, etc… I’ve said it a handful of times (no more than 4-5 times) to my niece and nephew, my sister’s kids.”
“They were young when my wife died, but when I say ‘ow, my biceps femoris is sore’ they’ll laugh and say something like ‘you sound like Auntie Elizabeth’. I think it’s a relatively innocuous way to keep her memory alive.”
“Anyway, the last time I said it to them, my sister freaked out. She said I have to stop ‘living in the past’ and ‘dredging up my wife’s memory’ and ‘just because I haven’t gotten over my wife’s death doesn’t mean I should shove my grief down her children’s throat’.”
“I told her I wouldn’t say it in front of her kids if she didn’t want me to, but I won’t stop saying it altogether. I don’t say it more than once every couple of months at maximum anyway, it’s not like I say it every day.”
“My sister has been telling people in the family that I need grief counseling desperately, and some of them are agreeing with her, saying that quoting my dead wife is unhealthy. My cousin said I need to ‘let her mannerisms rest in peace’.”
“My parents and my wife’s parents don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.”
“I did try therapy when she first passed, but it didn’t seem to help much. I understand that she’s gone, I don’t believe I’m holding onto her memory in an unhealthy way.”
“But if it makes my sister that uncomfortable to hear the words of my dead wife, AITA?”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“I quote my dead dad CONSTANTLY. He was quotable!”
“If someone told me I was living in the past I would give them an earful. NTA!” ~ BeanBreak
“Agreed. My uncle has been gone for over 20 years and we still use some of his sayings. NTA.” ~ shopgirl2
“Your sister sounds like she needs sympathy counseling to learn to be a better person.” ~ the-mirrors-truth
“My little brother died from a suicide in 2014 and I still wear clothes of his and quote him occasionally. He used to always say ‘No wuckas’ short for ‘No wuckin forries’ which is Aussie slang for ‘No f’kin worries’.”
“It was just something he said and I find myself saying it now and again and it makes me smile and I remember his voice and his face and his whole essence. He was a tall lanky bastard that was about 6’5″ and a chill stoner type.”
“It f’king broke me when he died but it doesn’t hurt to remember him and I actually laugh at some of the stupid things he did. That was him all over ‘No Wuckas!’ Nothing was a drama if you asked him.” ~ Farkenoathm8-E
“I still think of so many things my dad said, even if they weren’t said by him as a frequent thing. My aunt and uncle were having their 5th child and my dad said, ‘He screwed himself out of a place at the table’. (a table that seats 6).”
“Whenever my mom would ask, “Do you want your eggs fried or scrambled?” He’d say, ‘Oh, I guess’.” ~ pittsburgpam
“I still quote my two friends who died when I was 15. One I shoved my way into his coat on a cold day and was poked by his friends brush and I jokingly asked if he was happy to see me.”
“He blushed and stumbled to say it was a brush. So we would joke and ask him if he thought a girl was sexy and he would respond, ‘Nah its just a brush’ I still to this day use, ‘he/she is just a brush’ for people I don’t necessarily think are attractive.”
“The other use to make this Dino noise when he would see someone he knew walking down the hall. My spouse will yell my name from across the house and I constantly respond with that noise.”
“Also BOB!! Lol everyone and everything is Bob. He’s a Bob, she’s a Bob, that dog is a Bob. My spouse went nuts buying me king Bob stuff because I’m constantly calling things Bob or answering questions with, ‘BOB!!!!’.” ~ Rengrl4981
The OP provided an update.
“Wow, I genuinely did not expect this much attention on this post. Thank you all for the comments, kind wishes, and of course, the Reddit awards.”
“Most of all, thank you to everyone who has shared an anecdote of their loved ones’ quirks and sayings. My wife meant the world to me, and it is very moving to read so many examples of how you guys were affected by the loss of someone you loved.”
“I have decided I will talk to my sister and show her some of these comments. She and my wife were friends (they knew each other for the whole 7 years my wife and I were together).”
“I might suggest that she attends grief counseling, and I’m willing to go with her if she asks me to. I agree that my sister is TA, but I know the last thing my wife would want is for her death to pull us apart.”
“Thank you all.”