If you thought 2018 would end without one more gross, bizarre, and needless twist…what are you some kind of dumb idiot? 2018 was directed by M. Night Shyamalan…the writing is bad and there’s always going to be a dumb twist.
The latest obscenity we are forced to bear witness to as a nation as a result of Robert Mueller’s far-reaching Russia probe is that in the course of his investigations Mueller has allegedly obtained what is described as a “nude selfie.”
*pause for vomiting*
We don’t know who this supposed image is of, whether it actually exists, or what it has to do with anything. All we know is that, according to the Huffington Post, a reference was made to a “nude selfie” in a filing by a Russian company indicted as part of the Mueller probe. But the simple juxtaposition of those two words provided enough red meat for Twitter to make endless jokeburgers…and to feel a little sick.
I never in my life wanted to type the words “Mueller Nude Selfie” into Twitter but you forced me to.
Damn you, Internet. Damn you to hell.
1. First the facts: An indicted Russian company mentioned the alleged photo in its court filings.
Also, apparently, among the millions of pages of records Mueller's has collected on Russian election interference is a "nude selfie." pic.twitter.com/E8eh3i0jxV— Brad Heath (@bradheath) December 27, 2018
Here's the whole filing. Spoiler: It doesn't give away whose nude selfie Mueller now possesses, or how he obtained it. -> https://t.co/F7JkxqE3XT— Brad Heath (@bradheath) December 27, 2018
3. And then the overwhelming consensus, which was an audible “Please, no…”
Mueller now has someone's nude selfie. I'm not ready for 2019. https://t.co/wjIB3QM2LW— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) December 27, 2018
dear God please tell us what we have done to deserve this I promise I will repent for the rest of my life but for the love of all that is holy do not release a nude selfie of *anyone* involved in the Trump campaign or make me comment about it on TV thank you amen 🙈🙏🏽 https://t.co/8e8ZLz5W2U— Asha Rangappa (@AshaRangappa_) December 27, 2018
Oh God no https://t.co/QW0PQQnyVR— rabia O'chaudry (@rabiasquared) December 27, 2018
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This.👇👇👇https://t.co/JOgU5rcuWm— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 28, 2018
Please no. https://t.co/BwCIKQnWXu— Boner Vivant (@Doug_Tilley) December 28, 2018
oy. vey. https://t.co/wF8mFGfAVW— Ms. Understood (@sielylaw) December 28, 2018
We're all gonna die. https://t.co/dQUhFJyMkX— Gary Legum (@GaryLegum) December 27, 2018
You guys? Two words: Nude. Selfie.— Rachel Fine (@RachelFine) December 27, 2018
If you were eating dinner, I apologize. https://t.co/xX2rLQ8JMy
The chances of us having to see the president’s syphilitic nightmare parts are increasing by the day. 2018 was weird; 2019 threatens to be cuckoo bananapants. https://t.co/fcnSrEv4eO— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 27, 2018