When we see a loved one doing something that could get them hurt, we may find ourselves stepping in to help or to encourage them away from the activity.
But there are people who will absolutely hold our cautions against us, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, sometimes to the point that it changes the relationship.
While her girlfriend was drunk, Redditor nasheeladhokla attempted to make a decision for her regarding diving and water safety.
But when her girlfriend accused her of stopping her from doing something she really wanted to do, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too careful.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for stopping my girlfriend from doing an adventure activity?”
The OP recently went on a friends’ trip with her girlfriend.
“My (32 Female) girlfriend (24 Female) and I have been together for two years.”
“We went out with my friends and their partners on a weekend trip. She was pretty much enjoying the trip as she got along really well with my friends.”
“In the evening, we went to chill near a seashore, just drinking, dancing, and stuff.”
“Everyone, including my girlfriend, was pretty tipsy but not really drunk-drunk.”
The group then got onto the subject of ocean diving.
“While we were sipping our drinks, she went ahead to get some snacks where she met a bunch of people who were just diving into the sea, and the tides would throw them back to the shore.”
“It was raining heavily and there were very high tides.”
“She came to me and said she was thinking of diving with them and asked me if she should.”
“I did not like the idea but did not completely dismiss it and told her that we can watch them do it once but not jump right into it.”
“We watched them do their thing and how happy they were because of the high tide throwing them back onto shore.”
“She immediately decided to do it, while I politely told her it seemed risky to me and she shouldn’t go.”
“I pointed out that there are no lifeguards or jackets or anything in place, it was just a bunch of people diving in a secluded area.”
Then the OP had second thoughts.
“She still wanted to do it, so I didn’t stop her. She said she knew how to swim.”
“I raised my concerns over how big the tides were and pointed out how she could not swim through them and that they could take her away with the force, and that it was a very risky thing to do.”
“She still went for it. She climbed the surface they were jumping from, and at that second my anxiety jumped in, and I asked her to come back.”
“She tried to convince me that she would be fine, but I just lost my mind there and said there was no way she was going for it.”
“She said she really wanted to do some adventuring, and that all we do is drink and dance, and that there is nothing much to do in this city. She said she was doing it no matter what I said.”
The moment escalated.
“I freaked out and yelled at her that she was not going and dismissed the conversation and walked away.”
“She hasn’t been talking to me since, and we have 2 more days left on the trip.”
“I feel I was only coming from a place of love and care, and I would never stop her from doing anything if it was a safe spot or well-managed adventure activity.”
“She doesn’t understand I got anxious and hasn’t said a word since then.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP absolutely did the right thing by playing it safe.
“NTA. As an avid ocean lover and surfer, strong tides, and alcohol don’t mix. I have almost died surfing and the only thing that saved me were lifeguards and jetskis. You had non of that.”
“Plus, she was drunk and you don’t swim, and she probably doesn’t understand currents, undercurrents, and rips.”
“Some people are trying to say you’re being controlling, but emphatically trying to stop the person you love from doing something that could potentially harm or kill them isn’t being controlling, it’s being careful. You panicked, but she wasn’t thinking.” – A_Birdii_
“NTA! You correctly assumed this was a very unsafe situation, especially for someone with a few drinks in.”
“You probably scared her a bit by yelling at her when she was drunk though, just sit down and let her know it came from a good place and you’re sorry about yelling.”
“Why don’t you also find an opportunity for you guys to have a more controlled adventure on this little trip? Could be fun and cute (my vote would be for a little hanky panky in the woods, *dangerous* without being a real danger).” – Good-Preparation-380
“NTA, does she realize she or the others easily could have miscalculated the jump and end up hospitalized or worse?”
“This shows a lack of self-awareness and the silent treatment is childish as well. You wouldn’t let an intoxicated person drive a car, so why would you let them jump off a cliff?”
“It’s not common but a handful of tourists get paralyzed or die for miscalculating jumps into bodies of water every year.” – Shot_Information_746
“NTA. Your girlfriend had been drinking and wanted to DIVE into water with strong tides, at night. You tried to stop her. NTA NTA NTA.”
“OP, I have a childhood friend who dove into unknown water on vacation, was about to go to college and swim, and hit a rock, and is now a quadriplegic.”
“Your girlfriend could have had a serious injury or even died trying to do something risky AFTER DRINKING.”
“NTA, but you may want to reconsider a partner who engages in high-risk behavior like that.” – Absinthe-van-Night
“Jumping into the ocean, at night, intoxicated in a place you don’t know, with heavy rain and strong tides, is not and never has been the place to let someone take that risk.”
“She’s legally allowed to find that controlling, but really it’s like a toddler saying, ‘Mommy is controlling for not letting me eat tide pods.'”
“I grew up on the ocean, and I had my fair share of drunken nights in the ocean. I think jumping into the ocean is perfectly fine if you know the area and I could totally see a group of locals doing that kinda stuff on the regular while being relatively safe about it (there are no 100% guarantee with these kinda activities).”
“It’s not like I’m demanding people only do literally zero risk activities, but you gotta have at least some clue about the dangers and anyone trying to jump into a dark ocean during heavy rains while drunk in a spot they don’t know just screams, ‘I have no f**king clue what I’m doing and I’m massively misjudging my abilities.'”
“Maybe OP is exaggerating massively to make it sound worse and really she was jumping into some small waves from a small pier in a relatively well-lit area, at which point I’d probably roll my eyes as well, but even then. It’s still not the safest thing to do if you didn’t grow up around large bodies of water.” – snorting_dandelions
Others thought the OP sounded controlling of her girlfriend.
“You do sound like you’re being controlling in a smothering sort of way, though not doing a potentially dangerous activity after drinking was the correct decision at the time.”
“It sounds like you and your girlfriend would be happier each finding partners whose interests more closely align.”
“Side note: just hanging out, not doing any activities, with people you barely know, is extremely dull. I bet your girlfriend was bored out of her mind at that point.” – MariaInconnu
“YTA, but not for why you think. You’re NTA for stopping her from doing that while drunk, that’s a true safety issue. But YTA for not even letting her do the diving now when she’s thought about it while sober.”
“She’s a little younger than you, right? So she wants to still feel like she’s in her 20s, wild and adventurous and doing things and discovering herself.”
“You gotta let her go do it now. If you really want to bring this thing home, go with her. You can look out for her safety and show her that you want her to do things that make her spirit soar, y’know?”
“I think instead of the weird group chat thing, you should talk face to face and just hammer this thing out.” – phonyramoney
“NTA while she was drunk, but YTA when she’s sober, because she can make her own decisions.” – i-d-even-k
“NAH. I would be concerned too if (when) my husband decided to do something like that. It’s ok to express your concerns (and you might well have been right, to be honest) but it’s also OK for her to be upset or find it controlling.”
“There are moments when everyone wants to take a risk. Sometimes you have to let them.” – soldforaspaceship
“YTA, you need to stop acting like her mom. You were right to reproach her while she was drunk swimming at night, but imposing rules on your grown a** girlfriend is not cool.” – Apatheticforcredit
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update, feeling just as confused as ever.
“We talked in the morning when she was sober.”
“I said I was sorry I had to yell. I said it seemed like she wasn’t ready to understand anything I said.”
“I was scared of anything bad happening to her, which made me react like that.”
“I also told her we can do whatever she wants the next weekend and I’ll be up for anything she wants, just at a safe spot/well-supervised activity.”
“She understood and said she was sorry that she behaved like this without considering my feelings.”
But then the OP overheard something.
“A few hours later, my girlfriend while chatting with this other girl in our group told her that she still wants to go for that diving thing but is too scared to ask me as I already reacted pretty badly over it and she doesn’t want to upset me.”
“I have no idea what to do now. Should I just take her for the diving thing?”
“Or should I just not address that I know she still wants to go?”
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea to dive in an ocean with tides (drunk or not), and no safety precautions in place, especially after reading the comments and information people have given me, including information about currents, etc (she and I have never even heard of these terms).”
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was worried, they were more divided on how she handled the situation.
Some found her outburst, as well as not wanting her girlfriend to do the activity even while sober, as leaning toward being controlling of her partner.
Others understood and even praised her concern but encouraged her to find another thrilling activity that they could do together that didn’t carry quite as many risks.