Having a child and losing a child are two monumental events of life.
In the end there are no clear or perfect ways to make either more comfortable.
Everyone has to navigate these situations with finesse.
And often, that isn’t easy.
Case in point…
Redditor Throwawaytiredtobepa wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for asking my pregnant wife to go stay with her parents?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife is 5 months pregnant as of now, this baby is technically our second because the first was a stillbirth.”
“The problem is that my wife is constantly angry, anxious or moody not normal hormonal moodiness that arises from pregnancy but a tad bit extreme version of it.”
“I don’t know if it is a subset of our previous pregnancy loss.”
“She sees a therapist and she still continues along her ways.”
“I have also spoken to her gyno and she mentions it could be past trauma from pregnancy loss or outbursts due to hormones.”
“There is always something she finds fault in after I come back from my 10 hour work shift.”
“The tiredness aside she would start trivial arguments even about things like me buying the wrong shape of carrots or if I switch to my tv channel to relax even though she was not watching it in the first place.”
“A few times a month is understandable but this happening every day is taking a toll on me.”
“She constantly says absent minded things like ‘quit work”‘or take loans for now and stay with me.'”
“The thing is, although I’d love that, who is going to pay the bills and who is going to repay back the loans.”
“I am losing sleep and getting more annoyed as the day goes by.”
“She also has insomnia and unnecessarily keeps me awake by pestering me about whatever will become with the health of our baby.”
“Which makes me scared too and makes me overthink and be awake for the whole night.”
“I do reassure her that everything is going to be alright but somehow she just gets even more pissed. “
“She also leaves around 60 to 90 missed calls a day while I am at work or especially when I am at meetings.”
“So seeing all this I realized that she requires constant companionship to guide her through this pregnancy.”
“I called up her mother and father and gently requested if they would temporarily look after my wife for the time being.”
“They are both retired and happily agreed to take my wife in.”
“However when I told my wife she took it as me absolving myself of responsibility even though I plan to call her everyday and visit her for the weekends.”
“She is calling me an a**hole for entrusting her with her parents although personally to me it seems like I’m doing her a favor to combat her loneliness and get guidance from her parents.”
“Am I the a**hole here for killing two birds with one stone?”
“And having a peace of mind as well as ensuring her needs are taken care of by having her parents take over her care?”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“I’m gonna say NTA.”
“BUT – 60-90 calls a day & the other behaviors that you describe are WAY beyond normal anxiety and into ‘needs intervention.'”
“Something is very, very wrong, and she needs help that I doubt her parents are qualified to give.”
“I’m not saying that staying with them isn’t an option to give you the space and sanity that you need to continue being the sole breadwinner, but it can’t be the only response.”
“I would talk to her therapist and ob/gyn to let them know the extent of her behavior and consider couples’ therapy for a start.” ~ plm56
“I agree that her parents aren’t qualified to get her 100% of the help she needs.”
“But sometimes just the presence of supportive people nearby can be a positive help when going through an episode like that.”
“She’s alone for 10+ hours a day when staying with her husband.”
“And that’s just not the best environment for her considering her anxiety, trauma, and needs as a very pregnant soon-to-be mom.”
“Parents (particularly kind+supportive parents like this from how OP makes them sound) would objectively be a situational improvement because OP can’t just quit his job and be there for her 24/7.”
“I know other people who have support animals when they can’t have anyone else stay with them, and that can help too.” ~ Duckington_Wentworth
“Currently pregnant, suffer from severe anxiety, OCD, and trauma and I’m sorry but unless you’ve been through it while pregnant you do NOT know how bad it can be.”
‘”OP needs to be more sympathetic because if he thinks it’s bad for him, he can’t imagine what it’s like in her head.”
“If she’s calling that much it feels urgent to her and she’s scared.”
“She definitely needs help and he needs some sensitivity.”
“I’m on Zoloft and it helps quite a bit.”
“It would be way smarter for OP if able, to drop her off during the day at mom and dad’s, and then pick her up when he gets off work.”
“My husband did this during my first trimester with me when I could barely function through my symptoms and it worked well.”
“Seeing her only on weekends just is not fair to her at all.”
“I’m not discounting his suffering, but if he can’t deal with lack of sleep now, how is he gonna deal with a crying baby?”
“Can’t ship the baby to grandma and grandpa’s.”
“Time for him to buck up, and time for her to increase treatment.”
“Also for those saying this is ‘way beyond normal’ clearly you don’t know the trauma of losing a child.”
“Also he did not even consult her before calling her parents.”
“That alone is unacceptable and not his call to make alone.”
“Edit: I just now was able to find his other comments responding about how far they live and her ‘not taking it seriously’ if he doesn’t quit.”
“That being said NTA.”
“However I will say losing patience with someone in severe psychological distress will only make things worse.”
“She needs EXTREME sensitivity to match her EXTREME anxiety.”
“I hope she comes around to staying with her parents.”
“And I hope OP can find as much time as he can to be with her and find it in his heart to try to understand how scary it must be inside her head as well.”
“I wish you both well and I wish her all the healing and both of you all the peace of mind you deserve.” ~ Phoenixfeather777
“I think both things are true here.”
“She needs a doctor, probably needs to see her therapist more frequently, AND with anxiety like this, round the clock care.”
“Her parents looking in on her while OP is at work is a good call.”
“Safety planning is a valid and important part of the therapy process.”
“Her therapist can help her make one that works for her.”
“For example, in this case that might look like, she could first look at pictures of her healthy ultrasound.”
“Then if she’s not reassured, phone a family member, and if she’s still panicked or has suicidal thoughts call a doctor or hospital.”
“She’s legitimately losing her mind here.”
She shouldn’t be alone because of the suicide risk.”
“Especially considering pregnancy hormones are part of the problem.”
“If she panics and thinks her (hopefully) perfectly healthy baby is dead, she could try to hurt herself.”
“Not to mention the long term effects of sleep deprivation can be fatal, and are not likely to improve around a newborn.”
“Think of mental health as a Venn diagram, with mental wellness in the middle.”
“Therapy is one circle, medical intervention another, and self care/at home things (good sleep habits, meditation, proper nutrition, strong coping skills, supervision if necessary, etc) is another.”
“When you do them all the middle is easier to reach.” ~ littlestgoldfish
“Agree. NTA.”
“It sounds like your wife need a psychiatric evaluation to determine if there is something more is going on that her OB/GYN and counselor aren’t picking up on.”
“If this is some sort of pre-partum psychosis I would be concerned that she would be high risk for post partum depression.”
“Please provide an update at some point regarding how this turns out. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing.” ~ Janetaz18
“My husband and I both think NTA.”
“When you got to the part about 60 to 90 missed calls a day, that’s what got us to say NTA.”
“It sounds like your wife might need some medication to help with the anxiety around this pregnancy, if that medication is allowed during pregnancy.”
“How far away do your in-laws live?”
“Maybe you could go by for dinner every night in addition to weekends?”
“Or maybe she could stay with them 3 nights a week instead of every night?” ~ Masters_pet_411
Well it seems that Reddit has OP’s back.
This is a tough situation.
Emotions are of course going to run high.
Hopefully by the time baby comes everyone will be in a better place.