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Mom-To-Be Called ‘Selfish’ For Wanting To Surprise Husband With Pregnancy During His Birthday Party

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When to make a HUGE announcement is always a difficult decision.

Timing is everything!

And sometimes people are so excited they toss timing aside.

And that can be problematic.

Case in point…

Redditor IndependenceShort843 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy as my husband’s 30th birthday gift?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (28 F[emale]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) have been married for 6 years.”

“And for a large majority of those years we have been trying to have a baby.”

“However, my infertility issues have brought us to the point of us reconsidering and looking into adoption and surrogacy instead.”

“After years of IVF treatments and various other outlooks.”

“Around two weeks ago a miracle occurred. I was pregnant!”

“I was ecstatic, and overjoyed to tell my husband, however I wanted to bring the news to him in a more elaborate fashion as this is something that is dearly important to him.”

“After checking in with my doctor due to chances of me having pregnancy complications and planning the surprise it occurred to me that my husband’s birthday was also coming up around this time.”

“My sister (26F) and I (my sister and I have been good friends with my husband since we were children), have been tossing ideas around about his 30th birthday for a while.”

“My husband’s family had never been big on birthdays and we wanted to make the occasion spectacular for him.”

“As due to complications in previous years none of his birthday gifts in the past have been as perfect as I wanted them to be.”

“I brought up the idea of me announcing my pregnancy to my husband as a gift.”

“As I realized I didn’t have the time to pull together the plans we had previously agreed on.”

“But I had already started arranging plans for announcing the baby.”

“I thought it would be very special to him to combine the ideas of his birthday party and the baby announcement.”

“As we have been wanting a child for so long, and honestly it seemed better than the gift idea we previously had.”

“However my sister disagreed and told me I was selfish for wanting to make his birthday about me.”

“And that I was a bad wife for not prioritizing the plans we had already agreed upon and changing it last minute.”

“I argued that there was little time for us to even make the elaborate plans anyways, and my husband would appreciate my idea just as much as a grand party.”

“My sister told me by no means I should announce my pregnancy as a gift, and I would be the a-hole if I did.”

“So, WIBTA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“I don’t know if you’re making it about you so much, but I don’t think that he should find out at the same time as everyone else.”

“He’s the father, for starters, and finding out you’re about to be a parent can be a big, complicated feeling (even if you want to be a parent).”

“And he deserves to not have to play it out in front of everyone.”

“I don’t want to tell you two how to announce it, but it should be a joint announcement, and after 3 months when the risk of miscarriage is lowered.”

“You’re also assuming he wants everyone else to know right away.”

“It’s great to tell your husband the morning of his birthday.”

“And if you want to announce it together later then you can.”

“But he should have a chance to absorb the information and bask in the moment with just you.”  ~ aamfbta

“This! Do NOT tell him in front of other people.”

“It’s just rude to do so and put him on the spot like that.”

“It doesn’t allow him time to process are be genuine in how he feels.”

“He’s going to feel like he has to act a certain way because friends and family are around.”

“So, yes, OP, YWBTA if you do this.”

“Make a special breakfast that morning and tell him… just the two of you.”  ~ Ok-Mode-2038

“Yeah, call me crazy, but I feel like a partner should be looped in about a wanted pregnancy ASAP.”

“Like, if you found out about it in the morning and made (or ordered in) a special dinner to tell them, cool.”

“But waiting around for days or weeks? Not cool.”

“Obviously exceptions should be made for unwanted pregnancies or abusive partners where taking time to process your choices or make a safe exit/termination plan is reasonable, but that’s not the case, here.”

“YWBTA for trying to be cutesy about the timing/announcement, and f**k it.”

“YTA already for sitting on this for two weeks.”  ~ CaptainBasketQueso

“How would OP feel if the shoe was on the other foot?”

“Imagine undergoing something as tough as IVF as a couple and then depriving her husband of the joy for weeks.”

“Her sister knows her in real life and disagrees with her idea… sister is right, the baby is not a gift.”

“Tell your husband right away OP. YTA but congrats!”  ~ hibiscus2022

“Congratulations, but YTA.”

“You say this is dearly important to him, so why haven’t you told him already?”

“Stop trying to be elaborate.”

“Stop withholding this important information because you want to make a splash.”

“Tell him now.”  ~ calling_water

“I literally struggled to hide it from my husband on the phone when he called to say he was on the way home from work after I found out.”

“I cannot imagine hiding this news for weeks?!?”

“I would assume he would want to enjoy telling his family, his friends himself! Its well intentioned but yeah I think YTA here.”   ~ hoginlly

“I’m not sure you’d be an a**hole but if I were your husband, I’d much rather be told ASAP to enjoy that moment with you.”

“I don’t think announcing it to everyone else and him for the first time would be nearly as special.”

“I, personally, would feel a little upset that I found at the same time as everyone else when I should have found out 2nd.”

“But you know him better so.”  ~ deblas66

“That stuck out to me too.”

“How is it every year there’s no proper celebration but you’ve been planning for months only to not have time again.”

“How elaborate of a plan could it be that you’d need an entire year to plan a birthday party? YTA.”  ~ AllTheShadyStuff

YTA. He deserves to find out in private where he doesn’t need to be worried about his reaction to the news among a crowd.”

“What if he wants to get emotional and cry but he’s not comfortable doing that in public?”

“Also, he deserves to find out before the rest of your family.”

“Withholding the information to yourself and announcing it to the whole group at once is making it all about you.”

“This should be a special moment for the two of you to share alone together.”

“Tell him about the pregnancy now and get him a real birthday gift.”   ~ fizzbangwhiz

“Taking a separate tack from other comments on telling your sister first vs your husband.”

“You’re very early in your pregnancy, and there is still a high likelihood of a miscarriage.”

“It’s obvious that if that happened, it would be a major tragedy for the two of you.”

“If you made the pregnancy news his birthday gift, and if you in future have a miscarriage, you run the risk of compounding that tragedy by connecting it to all of his future birthdays.”

“I think you would both regret that – this could easily end up not being the perfect gift you’re envisioning.”

“Please tell him the good news ASAP.”

“And consider for both of your mental health whether or not you want to tell everyone else soon after.”

“There is a reason why many do not inform their families until well into the pregnancy when miscarriage probability is much lower. YWBTA.”  ~ JonkyB

OP came back with some info…

“EDIT: To clear up some confusion, when I meant announce, I meant to announce it privately to him afterwards as a gift as I do understand it wouldn’t be ideal if everyone were to find out at the same time!”

“Also, my sister found out about the pregnancy with me as we were together when I heard from my doctor. (My husband couldn’t take me to my appointment that day).”

And also…

“EDIT 2: Hi everyone!”

“Thank you for all your comments and feedback, this has made me realize A LOT of things.”

“And how in the end, I was being selfish to ignore the plans my sister and I had previously made for the baby idea instead, as one commenter put it ‘a baby is a gift, but not a birthday gift.'”

“Thank you for helping me realize this, I think I’m going to tell him very soon as he should’ve known much earlier.”

Well OP sounds like you worked it all out.

Congratulations to you and the hubby and Happy Birthday to him!!