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Teen Furious At His Mom For Saying ‘I Don’t Really Care’ After He Comes Out To Her As Gay

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Coming out is an important decision for people in the LGBTQ+ community. It is incredibly personal, and we are the only ones who decide who we tell them and when.

So, being dismissed when you trust someone so much can feel defeating.

Redditor Vivianne86xo encountered this very issue with her son. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.

She asked:

“AITA for telling my son that I don’t care that he’s gay?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (F32) have 3 kids, who for the sake of this, I’ll call Jack (M15) Paige (F14) and Chloe (2), I have them with my ex husband and we remained on good terms.”

“A few weeks ago, I was hosting a family dinner my little sister and old brother and their kids, and I spent all day cooking a magnificent meal.”

“I asked my kids to entertain themselves so I could have full attention to making sure nothing went wrong and as I’m cooking, Jack comes in and tells me he has something to say, which I ask very kindly if he could wait until a bit later as I don’t need the food burning, but he was adamant to talk to me now so I allowed him to while I made the food.”

“He tells me he’s gay, and me being stressed, I told him it’s not a big deal and that I don’t really care.”

That wasn’t the best reaction.

“Growing up in a very backhanded racist and anti-LGBTQ family and not following those beliefs, I raised kids to know that everyone is an equal no matter what and so if needed, I didn’t want them to come out to me unless they were trans so that I could support them in transitioning.”

“He looks at me, completely shocked, and then starts going off at me that I should be making a big deal out of this because it took him a lot of courage for him to come out to which I remind that he doesn’t need to come out and that I love him no matter what.”

“He goes batshit and storms upstairs to pack a bag and head to his dads in which, he tells him what happened and I get a call from my ex snd he says he agrees with me and that he’ll talk to Jack.”

“The family come over and I confide in them about what happened as my sister also agrees with me however my brother does not, he says that coming out is a big deal and I should have told him that I’m proud that he did come out but I honestly believe that being apart of the LGBTQ community isn’t a big deal it’s just your preference in who you date?”

Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.

“YTA. (After much debate I’m going with unintentionally TA instead of N. A. H.)”

“Being gay SHOULDN’T be a big deal, and your son SHOULDN’T have to feel like coming out is a huge thing to be proud of. I think your reaction, while not what he wanted, was fine. Because you shouldn’t care that he’s gay. Honestly I wish coming out didn’t have to be a thing and people were able to be who they are without judgement.”

“HOWEVER it IS a big deal to your son, and you need to have a proper discussion with him and apologize for your reaction, as it hurt him even if unintentional.”

“Editing because my comment has blown up for some reason: yes, I’m reading through all the replies, I am learning a lot.”

“Again, this was my initial opinion on the situation, I’m not saying I’m right and my opinion does not invalidate what OP’s son is feeling, and I think OP should have a discussion with their son. I definitely am taking on board all the comments that are posted.” ~ unapproved_dentist

One Redditor in particular had a lot to say.

“First off I want to point out OP is the AH for outting her son to the rest of the family by telling them what happened without her sons consent.”

“While I agree that it shouldn’t be a ‘big deal’ it very much IS if you’re scared or anxious coming out to everyone which is why he did it in private.”

“That was HIS news to share, NOT OPs and I bet thats just going to hurt her son even more when he finds out”

“Also even tho Op ‘recovered’ by saying ‘I’ll always love you’ saying ‘I don’t care’ is invalidating to the anxiety and internal struggle he probably had to overcome to come out to her.”

“So it’s not ‘N A H but YTA’ imo but idk maybe just me. I can respect the points you made but OP didn’t care so much she took something emotionally important to her son and pretty much said ‘whatever.’ It comes off as really apathetic to something that is usually a big deal for the LGBTQ community.”

“Also to all the people calling him ‘attention seeking’ if he was so ‘attention seeking’ then a more supportive scenario to your ‘argument’ was if he would have done it at dinner rather than IN PRIVATE.”

“Yeah, he may have wanted ‘attention’ but the attention he wanted was validation and support from his mother understanding how she is happy he could come out to her but instead was met with dismissal/’I don’t care.'”

“Edit: also wanted to point out OP came from an Anti LGBTQ background and even tho they are against that belief regarding LGBTQ her son could have been scared OP may have had linger feelings about how OP was brought up. Especially if he knew as there are stories of parents saying they will be supportive if their child is LGBTQ but they end up changing their tune when their child does come out and disowning or other things to their child.”

“Additional info onto above, OP outed her son to her siblings and their families, her siblings who also grew up in an anti LGBTQ household.”

“There is no guarantee that OPs son being gay will not spread thru the family and this opens up OPs son to disownment from other family members, bullying and possible harm from homophobic family members.”

“Edit 2 to everyone saying ‘her outing him wasn’t part of the question’ then also read the REST of my answer and the many other comments, some of which are from people who have been in OPs sons shoes or known people who were.”

“It’s about the dismissal and seemingly caring more about the food than this milestone and important moment to her son. Also ‘Idc and its not a big deal’ shouldn’t be the FIRST THING out of your mouth when someone tells you a revelation they had about themselves.”

“The ‘I love you’ part would have even of been better to come first. Also she couldn’t stop for 30 seconds to give him a hug, offer for him yo help cook so they can talk or even give a hug and say ‘I’m busy but I really want to talk more about this with you and I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me first.'”

“Adding to this the I love you part didn’t come until after her son got mad at her, otherwise its possible she would have left jt with ‘I don’t care its not a big deal.'”

“Edit 3 many people have pointed out how this is similiar to if someone pretended racism doesn’t exist or the struggles people of colour face because someone ‘sees no colour.'”

“Imo this is a good comparison because homophobia and targeting based on ones sexuality still happens, saying ‘it’s not a big deal’ dismisses the hardships or homophobia he can face later on because homophobia is still very much ‘alive.'”

“And to those people saying that it shouldn’t be made into a big deal about coming out/straight people don’t come out or ‘double standards’ lemme point some things out.”

“Straight/cis people don’t have higher suicide rates due to their sexuality/gender identity, straight/cis people don’t have to fear for their lives if someone outs their sexuality/birth sex, straight people all over the world can marry the gender/sex they want to, straight/cis people don’t have to be worried about being bullied for their sexuality/gender identity, straight/cis people don’t have to be worried about being disowned for their sexuality/gender identity.”

“It’s still a long road ahead before its normalize to the point it doesn’t have to be a ‘big deal’ to come out”

“Edit 4: thanks for all the awards! and I hope my app doesn’t crash because of how long this is RIP”

“Anyway I wanted to thank everyone who shared their stories who were in a similar situation to OPs son!”

“Second I wanted to say that OPs son probably approached his mom while cooking to see if he could get support for coming out during the dinner since she was hosting. Since multiple people are pointing that out that he is the AH for bad timing but had OP actually listened it probably wasn’t going to be too bad of timing and something could have been worked out.”

“Third (and this is directed more so at OP) your son is 15 and is able to choose who he lives with.”

“I HIGHLY recommend you talk to your son ASAP and with a less ‘idc’ attitude about it and checking your own biases for trying to be “progressive” to a toxic extreme.”

“Him going to his father right after this isn’t good and be prepared for him to be furious and upset when he finds out you outted him (PLEAZE be upfront about this because its better coming from YOU owning up then someone ELSE telling him what you did).”

“Fourth, if someone comes out in a casual manner then a casual response is more likely to go over well. OP’s son made it clear that this was an important convo for him and OPs dismissal and ‘idc’ attitude may have worked well if it was more ‘casually’ brought up by him but it wasn’t.”

“Dismissing someone coming out when its obviously something big/serious to them is an AH move no matter how ‘progressive’ you are trying to be with it (read above the reasons why its still a big thing under edit 3)”

“One last thing, OP I think you really need to check in with yourself and any internal biases against LGBTQ people because 1) you don’t want to really hear anything about it or don’t care in general about it from the sounds of it and 2) this post has nothing sexual or inappropriate in it and yet you marked it NSFW.”

“That itself shows judgment about the topic of LGBTQ itself.”

“I can understand that you seem to want to understand (at least possibly consciously) and support your kids but imo you have biases you aren’t challenging in regards to the anti LGBTQ stance household you were raised in (subconscious biases).”

“I recommend conducting research on how to support an LGBTQ youth and statistics surround LGBTQ youth to better understand what your son is going thru and what he can face being LGBTQ. Education is always a good step forward to fight prejudices even ones we aren’t sure we had.”

“I’m also probably missing several things people have pointed out as well because I’ve gotten so spammed/flooded either good/bad replies to this I’m losing track of things so apologies to the positive peeps if I miss anything you suggested.” ~ TheoryAddict

OP needs to check their internalized bias.