Learning to manage the relationship between a new partner and an ex who is still in your life can be complicated. It is all about reassuring your current partner, while being as respectful as possible.
Redditor MayonnaiseSenior encountered this very issue with his ex wife’s new husband. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA if I sent a letter to my ex wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I was married a few years ago, due to various problems we both agreed it’d probably be better for both of us if we split up.”
“We split on good terms and have stayed in general contact.”
“She got married last year, I was invited to the wedding, but I also know how that might feel for the Groom, so I sent a card and a gift, I didn’t attend.”
“A few weeks ago my Ex announced they were pregnant, I decided to send a custom card congratulating the couple. As a hobby I do calligraphy, I got a little wax insignia and everything.”
“I sent out the card and didn’t hear anything, I assumed it was fine. Yesterday afternoon, I got a letter in the mail and it was from her husband.”
“The letter basically said to stay away from his wife and his family, to never contact them again and that if I did, he’d have to ‘straighten me out.'”
“I’ve been really struggling with this. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but it’s possible I have. I haven’t contacted them again as I don’t want to cause any more problems.”
“AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA normally I’d tell you to send an apology card but…” ~ Downtown-Law-3133
“Lol sorry dude my bad won’t happen again in super nice calligraphy and a wax seal.” ~ Ok-Emergency-5765
“I would be petty enough to not only send one but address it to her so she opens it first and include a copy of his letter just to make sure she knows what her new husband is like.” ~ inthebuffbuff
“I’d just photograph the letter and text it directly to her, then say ‘I don’t need the drama; I’m out.’ Let her deal with her asshole husband.”
“But DO let her know that her husband is the reason her perfectly civil relationship with her ex is now dead. She needs to know b/c, depending on the context, it could be really concerning behavior.”
“NTA.”
“EDIT: I’m pointing out that “abusive new husband” is a POSSIBILITY, not a certainty. The ex is pretty much the one person you can see a non-abusive person trying to separate their new spouse from, without it necessarily being a red flag. This could be simple jealousy, or it could be more. Let’s not jump to conclusions.” ~ usernaym44
“Absolutely. If they’ve had a cordial relationship up until this point the Ex may want to know why OP has gone cold.” ~ JayTheFordMan
“No, I mean the new hubby’s efforts to stiff-arm the ex could potentially be concerning, if it’s in the context of him isolating her from her friends and family. That’s not necessarily the case; I could see a jealous man separating his wife from her ex but not her friends and family, but either way, she needs to know.” ~ usernaym44
“NTA. Look, I’d stay away. She’s not your wife anymore and whether this was said on her behest or not, what would be the point?”
“Now, is she were to ASK YOU what’s going on, then you would have to tell her what this ape is up to.” ~ Efficient_Channel738
“The only reason I can think of why the husband is telling OP to leave them alone is that he went behind his wife’s back.”
“So if I were the wife I would want to know that my husband makes decisions on my behalf and threatens other people.”
“If you like your Ex, I would ask why she didn’t tell you that and that of course you will leave them alone but that it’s sad she didn’t say or write it in person and that you feel threats are unnecessary here.” ~ Turbulent-Ad-480
The husband is showing some red flags.
“Honestly, I’d reach out to her family- if he tries to tell her directly it could cause more trouble, and if there’s something serious going on (controlling new spouse alienating her from her people) they might be in the best position to help.” ~ Batoutofhellodolly
“Eh getting people’s family involved is the nuclear option. He doesn’t know what her relationship is like with them anymore and he doesn’t really know much about her relationship with her husband, it’s not really his place to get that involved. He can tell her, she’s an adult and she can decide to tell her family or not.” ~ grouchymonk1517
“That’s not great, people like the new hubby try to isolate women from their social connections as a method of control.”
“If OP cares at all about her, he should get in touch with her family and let them know what’s up.” ~ The-Shattering-Light
“Eh, I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s controlling. He just sounds immature and insecure. Hopefully. OP’s ex should definitely know, though. I wouldn’t jump to tell her family unless the issue doesn’t go away or the NH (new husband) does something else. OP, you are definitely NTA.” ~ krabbypattyformula1
“I’d for sure bring it up to her. Guys that do that kind of stuff, unprompted, are the ones that make sure their woman has no good male relationships in their lives because they’re either jealous to the extreme or they don’t want anyone preventing them from breaking the person down.”
“Unless your letter had some weird stuff in it, that response is dangerously rude.” ~ dereksalem
”Begging your pardon, dearest sir. I meant you no harm or spite. Please look into your heart to give me forgiveness. Best regards, God bless, have a wonderful life, OP.”
“PS. I used to bang your wife.” ~ ExtinctFauna
“Good one, I laughed. Op, you did nothing wrong. They sent you an invitation to their wedding, that told you that they valued your friendship, but they obviously lied. Just mark them off your Xmas card list and go on with your life.” ~ CJSinTX
OP needs to talk to his ex.