Grief is an intensely personal process, and often a person’s grieving doesn’t make sense to their friends or family.
A Redditor whose husband recently died found herself in conflict with her sister for this reason, when she was outraged by her sister sleeping with her boyfriend in her and her husband’s bed.
So she took the situation the to AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit to get perspective on how she reaction.
The Original Poster, who goes by AITA-35689 on the site, asked:
“AITA Kicking my sister out after finding her in mine and my husband’s bedroom?”
“I F[emale] 26 lost my husband in an accident 2 months ago. It wasn’t his fault he wasn’t even driving. He was going with a friend to visit their sick friend and the journey was hours long. My husband’s friend was driving late at night and it resulted in a horrific accident.”
“My husband was in the hospital for a week severly injured and passed away on friday morning. I was an utter mess. I was and still am devastated and can not believe how fast days go by. My parents support me a lot. I was spending my days alone at my apartment.”
“My parents told me they sent my sister F21 to stay with me and help around the apartment. I welcomed her and was glad she came. She’d occasionally invite her boyfriend to my apartment since she’s there all the time.”
“Her boyfriend started acting like it’s there place by moving stuff, throwing away stuff. I talked to them about it. I also said I wouldn’t let him stay the night anymore because I need some calm and quiet to be able to sleep. And he usually stays up til 5am making noise.”
“My sister didn’t argue. However yesterday I went to see a friend for few hours and when I got back I didn’t find my sister thinking she went out. Suddenly her boyfriend walks out of my bedroom and I freaked out asking why he was there.”
“My sister showed up asking why I got home so early.. I loudly asked them why they were in mine and my husband’s bedroom. Suddenly my sister said they borrowed it for an hour to get some privacy since I had a key and might’ve walked in and saw something (My apartment is a single bedroom apt)”
“I was in shock. I checked the room and the bed looked like someone used it. I completely lost my temper yelling at her and her boyfriend. I kicked him out and me and my sister started arguing. She called me irrational acting out of grief and taking my frustration out on her.”
“I told to leave if she wasn’t willing to respect mine and my husband’s private place and that she should’ve never walked in it. After that I kicked her out.”
“My mom came to see what was going on. She defended my sister and blamed her boyfriend saying I had every right to kick him out but my sister took the time and came to stay with me to support and help and I was wrong to treat her like this.”
“Saying that’s how kids are and didn’t know that it’d upset me this much. My dad agreed I overreacted and wanted me to talk things out with her but I refused to do it.”
Redditors were then asked to evaluate who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And most people were in disbelief at the woman’s sister’s actions.
“OMG – your sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bed you shared with your recently deceased husband!!!”
“There comes a point where help becomes a hindrance – your sister has passed that point.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss!” —FakeVivisectionist
“Treating your home as theirs while you were grieving is not being supportive. It’s being opportunistic. As for moving things and throwing stuff out – what if they’d thrown out something of your husbands that you had sentimental feelings about. Just no.”
“Sounds like the BF doesn’t have privacy where he lives and is taking advantage of your sister not being under her mother’s roof.”
“I’ve just read your comment below about the sheets still smelling of your husband and how violating it must feel to have had them screw on your bed. I’m incandescently angry on your behalf.”
“Demand your sister returns any key she has (and if your mother has one too), if she still has access to a key there will be a repeat if they think you might be out. Until she actually understands how far she has transgressed, she doesn’t get to step foot in your home, and certainly not unsupervised by you.” —Fraerie
“NTA – I would have kicked her out even if I was never married. Who has sex on someone bed. That is super gross. They could have went to the local hotel or something. Or back to his place.” —Red_Carrot
“100% this. NTA. I am so sorry for your loss, and that you have had to deal with an insensitive sister and her a**hole boyfriend. I hope you were able to retrieve any of the items they ‘threw out’.” —liadantaru
“NTA – Jesus, OP. I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Your sister has a complete and utter lack of sympathy and self-awareness. Especially with a loss so recent. Being kind doesn’t give you a free pass to be unkind. That’s not how it works.” —MamaO2D4
“NTA This is the kind of ‘help’ we all can do without.”
“It makes me sick just thinking about what they did. How inhuman, entitled, and out of touch do you have to be to do it in a grieving widow’s bed? I couldn’t bear to look at the people again if it were me. Don’t let ANYONE make you feel guilty for this.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss – you deserve peace and quiet right now; take it and block the sources of stress.” —Clarisse1984
Hopefully OP’s sister can learn how to be more supportive in the future.