Content Warning: Body Image, Body Dysmorphia, Body-Shaming, Affair
Most of us will go through some sort of major trouble in our lives that is difficult to process and move past.
But sometimes, while trying to reconcile those struggles, we’ll end up hurting someone that we should have shown the most love to, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AnxiousPermission883’s wife struggled with issues related to her body image, especially after being pregnant, no matter how much he tried to help, compliment, and reassure her.
But when she went so far as to cheat, and then lie to her family about it, to pin the blame on her husband, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t accept that and decided instead to tell his in-laws the truth.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my in-laws that we’re getting divorced because my wife cheated on me, since they thought I was leaving her because of her weight gain?”
The OP loved his wife no matter what, but his wife did not feel the same way about herself.
“I (35 Male) thought I was getting everything I ever wanted with my wife (35 Female) when we were in our late 20s.”
“I truly love her both when she was thin and now that she’s plus-sized. She became plus-sized during her pregnancy, and I was still hot for her.”
“But she hated her new body, and she felt ugly despite all my compliments.”
“Over the years, she gained more weight and felt worse about herself.”
Then the OP’s wife did something that was unforgivable.
“More recently, she cheated on me. She had felt so low about herself, she wanted to see if men who ‘didn’t have to love her’ would find her sexy.”
“I ‘didn’t have to love her’ just because we were married or because we have a child together. I love her because she’s her.”
Then the OP’s wife made the whole situation a lot worse.
“We’re getting a divorce, and I wanted the process to be peaceful.”
“But my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law (57 Female), were giving me hell because they thought I was this shallow jerk who was leaving his wife because she gained weight during pregnancy.”
“I was confronted by her parents repeatedly, so I told them the truth.”
“Now my in-laws are giving my wife he*l, and she’s miserable. I don’t want her to be miserable; I just wanted my in-laws off my case.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right to set the record straight with his in-laws.
“No, you are not the AH, but your wife is, though. She lied to her parents about why the marriage ended. Instead of getting the therapy she obviously needs, she CHOSE to cheat.” – Catfish1960
“NTA. Most likely, the wifey told them that to get the heat off of wife. While not telling them the truth is fair, she can’t make you the bad guy like that, or you have a right to defend yourself.”
“My ex cheated on me, and I warned her in advance that I wouldn’t tell anyone unless you start trashing me, and if she did, the truth would come out.” – Material-Dot7684
“My ex pulled the same sh*t. I was out on the porch with her stepmother, and she said to me, ‘I thought you loved her so much; I can’t believe you two are splitting up.'”
“So I said, ‘Well, she’s been f**king a coworker for at least three months. I won’t really ever trust her again.'”
“I got yelled at for the whole car ride home, because my ex said her father will never forgive her for what she’s done and that he loved me like a son.”
“Not my problem, lady.” – Double_Pay_6645
“First, she cheated on you, and then she lied about you. This is all her. NTA.” – MarsicanBear
“That which can be destroyed by the truth deserves to be destroyed by the truth.” – JeffInVancouver
Others agreed and also hoped that the OP’s wife would receive therapy.
“NTA. Hopefully, the divorce will not take too long, and you can put this all behind you and live a better life.”
“I hope your soon-to-be ex-wife gets the help they need so they can be good and healthy at coparenting. They need to make the child more of a priority, a lot more than whether or not random people find them sexy.” – ProfileInfamous1953
“NTA. They were trashing your character, and you just corrected them. I feel bad that she’s struggling with her self-esteem, but that’s not an excuse to cheat. Hope she gets the therapy she needs and I hope you get the peace you need.” – Federal-Night5305
“NTA. She lied to them to make you the bad guy. She needs help. I also gained a lot of weight over the years, pregnancy, and then an injury, making me permanently disabled. I gave my partner every opportunity to leave. I was miserable.”
“I am not trying to one-up or compare miseries… Different bodies, different experiences.”
“What she did was inexcusable. She hurt you. Betrayed you and then tried to blame you so she didn’t have to take accountability. 100% did the right thing by telling them.”
“However, if you can… tell them to get her some help and support and not beat her further into the ground. She dug herself a hole, they don’t need to bring in a backhoe. You don’t have to, obviously.”
“Anger or rage is absolutely valid. Some of us can dig our way out… some can’t. I wish you healing, sir. NTA!” – Scared-Rutabaga-1620
“NTA. If you ever doubt this, consider the fact that you don’t want the woman who cheated on you to have extra misery via her mom and dad.”
“You weren’t obligated to let your in-laws believe you to be the bad guy.” – DrProfessorSalon
“Her current way of dealing with these feelings of inadequacy, self-hatred, or whatever it’s about, really isn’t promising for the future. I hope she finds a more constructive way of handling it.”
“It is really sad. I think she’s going to regret what she did for the rest of her life, because it seems like OP truly adored her.” – FinestMarzipan
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“A tiny update. Maybe I will get criticized for this, but I still love my wife despite what happened. I would still be in love with her even if she weren’t the mother of our daughter.”
“The original post helped me to feel less guilty, but I still needed to know how she was doing.”
“Unless it’s about our daughter, I avoid all communications with my wife. So I talked to the calmest in-law, my sister-in-law (32 Female).”
“The extremely good news is that my wife is in therapy. Even before they learned about the cheating, her parents made her go to therapy as a condition of her continuing to stay with them. Also, the in-laws have let up on her.”
“My SIL said when she heard about the cheating, she understood immediately how this happened. She said their mom was extremely beauty-obsessed and that they got very toxic ideas drilled in their heads as kids.”
“My SIL encouraged me to try to move on and that if my wife gets better, it will take a very long time, like years, or even decades.”
“She said she also feels guilty that she wasn’t there to help her sister, so she understands how I feel to some extent, with the guilt part.”
“She also said that my daughter knows very little about the conflict between my wife and me, just that we’re getting a divorce.”
“I wish that someday I could give the update that my wife and I are back together again, that we’re happy, and that everything is okay again.”
“The way I’m feeling at this point, I’m not sure if it’s just love or if something broke inside of me.”
“I can tell you, if my wife wanted to get back together tomorrow, there’s a 99% chance of me saying yes. I’m not sure if that’s healthy.”
“But my SIL is right that I really need to try to move because waiting around for that will be torturous. I have to see if I can imagine living in a world where my wife isn’t my wife.”
Fellow Redditors reassured the OP that he needed to move on and heal from this.
“Dude. You need help. You need therapy to deal with this.” – Inevitable_Speed_710
“That’s extremely unhealthy: You need to value yourself more.”
“You have some heavy lifting to do, unfortunately, as you not only need to heal yourself, but also you need to build skills to help your daughter escape the generational trauma her mom is caught up in. You need to remember that going back to your wife will hurt your daughter in the long run.”
“I wish you the very best, OP.” – Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
“I think you need to process the hurt and betrayal, before you can even begin to think about getting back together, or about starting a new relationship.”
“It’s also possible to remain on good terms, or even good friends with your ex, and possibly reconcile.”
“But you need to heal, and more importantly, SHE needs to heal, and learn how to respect and love herself, before she can love someone else in a healthy way.”
“‘Would we ever end up back together’ is much further down the line. Right now, she needs to work on her. And you need to work on your own life. And more importantly, you BOTH need to make sure your daughter is doing well, and happy.” – Special_Lychee_6847
“This is a sad situation. Your wife made a really stupid choice out of insecurity, self-loathing, and trauma from how she was raised, which has devastated you and blown up a marriage where she was truly loved and desired.”
“My heart goes out to you and to her. It’s really too bad that she went as far as cheating to have to face how toxic her beliefs about herself have become. It’s good that she’s in counselling; she needs it badly. And I hope you’ll get counselling too, not to reinforce that you shouldn’t ever take her back, but to help you navigate the grief and pain of all that’s happened.”
“I hope you won’t ‘move on’ right away, by which I mean, please don’t start dating right away. Take some time to recover from this ordeal, to tend to your daughter, get through all the adjustments of no longer living with your wife, and just… let things settle.”
“And don’t beat yourself up for still loving your wife. You can feel care, love, and compassion for her even though she did you wrong. You don’t have to hate her, but be aware of your boundaries while she’s getting help and you’re recovering. She needs to do the work to heal and be accountable for the choices she’s made.” – MiddleAged_BogWitch
“Unpopular opinion: choosing to reconcile after your partner has cheated isn’t a matter of healthy vs unhealthy. It’s a completely valid option as long as both parties are ready, willing, and able to tackle the underlying problems and put in the work.”
“However, in your specific situation, the underlying cause sounds like a deep-seated emotional/psychological trauma. There’s work that she has to do on her own, and you can’t pause your life while she gets herself sorted.” – CrazyCrayKay
“You’re mourning the life you had and the one you thought you would have. You likely haven’t thought much of what a future without her would look like, so of course, you feel like that because that was the future you chose and might still want. That’s pretty normal, I’d say.”
“But what you have to realize is she’s probably not quite the person you thought she was. Someone who truly loves and cares about you wouldn’t hurt you in that way. Someone worth building your life around wouldn’t just throw everything away like she did. You can do better, bro.” – SilverJournalist3230
While the subReddit could empathize with the struggles the OP’s wife was experiencing with her body image, they otherwise could not forgive her for choosing to cheat, lying about it, and then trying to make her husband look like the bad guy instead of her.
They hoped that the wife would get the help that she needed, and that the OP would take the time he needed to heal, and that both of them could go on to live happy lives, whether that was together or not.