in ,

Guy Livid After Wife Accuses Him Of Disrespecting Their Surrogate’s Boundaries By Buying Her A Car

Camylla Battani/Unsplash

Having a baby via a surrogate is a situation with all sorts of dynamics that can be difficult to navigate, including the surrogate mother’s personal boundaries.

One woman on Reddit found herself up close and personal with this problem when her husband began behaving very inappropriately towards their surrogate and made her uncomfortable.

When her husband was extremely upset upon being approached about the problem, she wasn’t sure about how she’d handled it. So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.

The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the username Throwawayhunter37 on the site, asked:

“AITA for telling my husband to stop disrespecting our surrogate?”

She explained:

“Me (f[emale] 34), my husband Hunter (m[ale] 37) suffered from fertility problems, we recently decided to get a surrogate who’s a friend of a friend. We were busy getting everything done legally, we already had a contract in place.”

“My egg was used so no worries in this regard, plus our surrogate is a respectful, kind woman who’s been keeping her part of the contract in tact, but it’s Hunter who’s starting to act strange, I’ve noticed that he’s been focusing his all attention on our surrogate like skipping work to visit her or get her things she didn’t ask for, chat with her all the time on social media and also constantly offering to do things for her like …. drive her places and sometimes even invite her out or offer to repair stuff for her.”

“She complained to me about this and even told me about things he’s been doing that I didn’t even know about, like bringing her gifts. I tried speaking to him about what this looks like but he said that he’s doing what he’s doing for his son and not her, still I asked that he tone it down and respect the woman’s space.”

“He got mad at me and accused me of being jealous of the woman who’s carrying my own child and said that this makes me look bad. I said our surrogate was the one who complained about his behavior and he said that this wasn’t true. Apparently this made him somewhat angry so I gave him time to cool down a bit.”

“Yesterday, our surrogate called me saying that Hunter came over and told her guests to leave, I asked why and she said that he wanted to show her the 9k car he bought for her. I was shocked, she said she declined the car and asked him to leave but he started arguing with her about using public transportation and risking our baby’s wellbeing. I was fuming I called him demanding he get home and he did eventually.”

“Once he got back I picked up a fight with him and yelled at him saying that he’s been nothing but overstepping, disrespectful, and inappropriate towards our surrogate, again he explained the car wasn’t for her but to ensure that the baby is safe. I told him to stop disrespecting the woman and stop using the baby as an excuse to stomp all over her boundaries.”

“He ranted about how he was just trying to make this work and that I should do the same if not more, he even accused me of not loving our son as much he does but this isn’t the way and putting 9k for car without telling me? He left the house for a while then came back and refused to speak to me.”

“I might’ve been hard on him, he might’ve just been oblivious so I’m less sure seeing his reaction now.”

People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

As you might guess, they were pretty alarmed by OP’s husbands behavior, and readily took her side on this one.

“NTA. This is upsetting behavior. It’s one of two things:”

“He has a crush on her, or He thinks he has a right to police pregnant womens’ bodies”

“It’s inappropriate regardless. You should quietly assist her in getting an attorney to draft a cease and desist letter to him.”

“You may or may not get the baby, but frankly I’m not sure your marriage (specifically just your husband and his odd behavior, none of your doing) is in a place to need a baby right now.”

“ETA – lots of people said there’s no way she wouldn’t get the baby – my bad – I saw the word friend and wrongly assumed it was an informal surrogacy without legal advice.” –Unit-Healthy

“The sad thing is he didn’t start to stomp boundaries until after the baby existed. Now OP has to deal with a controlling, boundary stomping husband who literally asked if she’s jealous of a surrogate. As the couple had fertility issues, this is especially heinous.”

“The baby is already coming. I’m privately thinking divorce and OP works with a lawyer for custody. Is husband going to try to control OP when she’s a caretaker of the child? My vote- yes.” –LinwoodKei

“There is a 3rd option. He’s neurotic about the baby and obsessed because of the fertility issues. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it would explain things. Sounds like he needs to get a check on his mental health no matter how you look at it.” –Godaistudios

“As the fertility issues seem to be his side then maybe OP needed to use donor sperm and could be why he is trying to be more dominant about protecting the child as a way to hide his insecurities.”

“NTA regardless.” –Rwhitechocmuffin

“You’re guesses might be right, but you are not correct to narrow down the universe of reasons that could be behind the husband’s behaviour to “two things”. That premise is wrong.”

“For example, the husband might be honest in his reply that he is just really concerned about the baby; or he could be doing this to minimize the risk that the surrogate changes her mind and keeps the baby; or he could be just plain stupid. The possibles reasons are nearly endless.”

“Often times these “it’s one of X things” arguments are used to sway somebody to a specific opinion because all of the chosen X things are bad or lead to similar outcomes. The persons on the receiving end of this argument often miss that the premise is faulty, making the conclusion they arrive at possibly incorrect.” –cardshark6

“Third option: He’s overcompensating because he feels that he doesn’t have a connection to his child. Mom provided the egg, friend of a friend provided the sperm and the surrogate is carrying the baby. He’s going overboard trying to create a connection by being the one who loves the baby the most and is providing for it and keeping it safe.”

“Is it a**holish? Oh, definitely. Is it understandable? Yeah, kind of.” –WatchWatermelon

“His behavior is upsetting and inappropriate. That said I hope it’s down to him navigating the emotional and psychological minefield of dealing with an unusual situation of trusting a third party with your unborn child must be tough. Especially if you’ve contracted with them to do so.”

“The impulse to want to support and help the person carrying your child isn’t bad unto itself, but it seems he is bad at regulating it.”

“I think he’d benefit from some therapy, where he can voice his concerns (rational or otherwise) and hopefully gain some insight. Stressing the woman carrying his baby isn’t doing anyone any good, not him, not her and certainly not the baby.” –AnteaterOK8524

“He is having an extreme overreaction due to the surrogacy. Guilt, the absolute lack of being with the person carrying the baby, etc. Especially if there were miscarriages previously.”

“Therapy, or support groups are highly recommended. Let’s not tell OP to leave her husband quite yet. Why is this everyone’s go to all the time in this sub? People aren’t as black and white as the anecdotes we read here.” –Liathano_Fire

“And also have an attorney to tell him to stop because I fear the surrogate mom may take any action against Hunter if he keeps doing like that. (Nevermind I just read the near last paragraph on the attorney and letter, even better)”

“TO OP, NTA”

“I’d be very concerned if I were you, You may need to go to therapy as well as Hunter to resolve those issues before the baby is born.” –MischievousBish

“Yeah. I’m currently pregnant with me and my husbands first child and this made me really uncomfortable to read. Like just because she’s pregnant, none of her feelings matter? Super upsetting.”

“And I mention I’m pregnant to reiterate that this behavior would be upsetting even if it were happening to OP. The surrogacy aspect isn’t the only reason this is red flag behavior.” –pseudo_meat

“Yikes! If I was the surrogate, I would NOT turn the baby over to live with this guy! 😱Sounds like OP and surrogate should raise the baby together, and keep him out of it! OP-NTA!” –No-Whole6378

Hopefully OP can figure out a way to manage this issue with her husband.

Written by John Sundholm

John Sundholm is a writer, content producer and performer originally from Michigan. His writing has also appeared on YourTango, Delish and Medium, and he has produced content for NBC, The New York Times and The CW, among others. When not working, he can be found tripping over his own feet on a hiking trail while singing Madonna songs to ward off lurking bears.