Though engagements are exciting and full of fun, memorable moments, couples also have to work through many nitty-gritty details, including their finances, where they will live, and whether or not they want to have children.
In some cases, they also have to discuss their religious practices and how they will work together, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit, and those conversations don’t always go all that smoothly.
Redditor Beginning_Fix7515, for instance, recently created tension with her husband when she admitted being married to someone of the same faith would be easier.
But when he was devasted by this, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong for telling him the truth.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my husband there are times I wish I was married to someone Jewish?”
The OP and her husband came from different religious backgrounds.
“I (30 female) am Jewish, mainly culturally, though I was raised religious.”
“My husband (33 male) was raised Christian, though he no longer really practices (just Christmas).”
A movie recently fueled a new conversation between them.
“His parents are still very devout and his mom has several times mentioned Messianic Jews to me (Jews for Jesus).”
“Tonight she sent him a Christian TV series about Jesus she wanted us to watch.”
“He decided to put it on to appease her.”
“I wasn’t complaining but also wasn’t paying close attention (playing Candy Crush).”
“My husband got annoyed and said to just put on something else.”
“I said, ‘No, no, it’s fine. Just tired of being converted to Jesus.'”
“He said, ‘I’m the one always getting religion pushed on me with Passover Seders and family dinners. I never push anything on you.'”
“This is where I got upset. I have never asked him to come to the temple with me, just to join for holidays with my family, in which there are usually blessings and candle lighting involved.”
The OP admitted to feeling like a minority, religiously speaking.
“So I told him, ‘The whole country [U.S.] pushes Christianity on me! It can be lonely being a minority.'”
“He then proceeded to tease me for referring to myself this way (I’m a white cis woman).”
“I tried to explain that as a Jew, I meant I’m literally a minority of the population, not that I’m terribly oppressed.”
“He basically just kept saying he didn’t get it and I should just move to New York.”
“So as an example, I reminded him of some of the bigger holidays over the last two years of the pandemic when I couldn’t see family and was the only Jewish person in my home.”
“I said those were times I wished I had a Jewish partner to help me celebrate.”
Her husband did not take this well.
“He said that was a horrible thing to say and left the room.”
“I feel bad I hurt him. I don’t need him to be Jewish, I just wish he could be a bit more culturally sensitive, I guess.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP’s husband was being insensitive to her feelings.
“NTA. People who are part of the dominant culture often don’t understand how exhausting and oppressive it is to constantly be othered.”
“Your comment probably did sting a bit, but he was being pretty insensitive and clueless.”
“If your marriage is otherwise good, it might be a good idea to talk this out in counseling.” – Arbor_Arabicae
“I’ve seen clips of ‘The Chosen,’ and of all ‘Christian TV’ I’ve seen (which admittedly and by design is not a lot) and, it’s by far the most palatable in terms of just being an attempt to tell a familiar story really well instead of innovating on it or trying to be… I don’t know… evangelical about it.”
“I found it to be relatively inoffensive and actually quite well made in places.”
“It’s pretty much the only piece of ‘Christian TV’ that I’ve not thought, ‘Only the ultra Christian lunatics could possibly get anything out of this.’ Approach it as you would any dramatization of a mythological figure and you might enjoy it.”
“But bloody h**l, that’s inappropriate as f**k! Especially as an act of appeasement. Ugh.”
“Was this supposed to be a sort of stealth conversion? What does he think is gonna happen? Subliminal Christianity?” – Kenobi_01
“He could just tell his mom no and set appropriate boundaries. His wife’s feelings should come before his mother’s.”
“Her husband should stick up for her when his mom is being culturally insensitive and/or trying to convert her. He could’ve watched it himself and let his mom know his wife wasn’t really interested.”
“Lying does more harm than good since it doesn’t seem like this behavior will stop unless boundaries are set.” – Anonymous_fiend
“Why is appeasing his mom more important than respecting his wife? He’s not religious but mommy can make him be? Mommy can also force his wife to watch Christian/Jesus specials. So why does MOM weigh higher on his mind than his wife?”
“I didn’t realize only Jewish people live in New York and eat family dinners. (Sarcasm). Where was he going with that? He did not get there.”
“Is it possible he’s forcing you to watch it because he wants you to be Christian? This is very passive-aggressive and insulting to me.”
“It’s one thing to go to your in-laws for a holiday, and it’s another thing to force your practicing Jewish wife to watch specials on your mother’s religion that you claim not to have an interest in.”
“I think you should rethink this entire relationship. You don’t mention children and I don’t think there should be any with him. But I am biased. NTA.” – BenjiCat17
Others were openly concerned about the husband’s acceptance of his wife.
“He was being more than insensitive – he was passive-aggressively antisemitic.”
“I know that label gets thrown around very easily, but saying she should move to NY? Really? Putting on Messianic TV series in OP’s home? I would have been out of there the minute that show went on.”
“He honestly doesn’t sound as though he likes the Jewish side of OP.”
“And he ridicules her when she mentions how it feels not to be part of the dominant culture.”
“What does a straight white (assuming that) Christian man know about being an outsider? He should be listening instead of belittling her.”
“And sitting through a family dinner is very different than someone actively trying to convert you.”
“Big hint for husband: It is incredibly difficult to be converted to Judaism, most rabbis will reject any potential convert at least once (if not the traditional 3 times) before even discussing a conversion.”
“And he is in for a big shock that his children will be considered Jewish regardless of his beliefs – because their mother is Jewish.” – everybodymustlovecats
“I feel like “move to NY” is more than passive-aggressively antisemitic. It’s a straight-up antisemitic dog-whistle.” – jackieblueideas
“This is as antisemitic as telling a Jew to go to Israel. And it’s the antisemitic analog of the racist, ‘Go back to where you came from.'”
“To be honest, if she hasn’t had kids with this dude and plans to, OP should really rethink it.” – PurpleMP12
“Making her watch a stupid video her MIL (mother-in-law) wants her to watch so she can try to force Jesus on her is incredibly pushy. How can he not see that?”
“I grew up evangelical and know how these people are. They mostly view it as a life goal to convert non-Christians and will not take no for an answer because it’s ‘your eternal soul.'”
“If I had a dollar for every time my mom told me she was sad we wouldn’t spend eternity together, I’d have a few thousand.”
“I doubt OP has ever tried to convert any of them. He married a Jewish person and has to go to family holiday celebrations. That’s literally what he signed up for.” – Glitterasaur
“It doesn’t take much to have human empathy.”
“I am a Christian and I recognize that has to be exhausting. There are no Jewish public holidays, there’s no knowledge of culture and there is still deeply ingrained antisemitism in the country!”
“He married a Jewish woman, he needs to recognize that it’s more than just a religion.” – invictuschild
“I’m in an interfaith marriage as well. You’re absolutely NTA and it was out of line for your husband to compare his mother trying to convert you to participate in family holidays.”
“My MIL (mother-in-law) is very religious and completely respects my religion, has never tried to convert me, and has even celebrated several of the Jewish holidays with my family. I celebrate Easter and Christmas with my husband’s family, and my parents have occasionally joined as well.”
“My husband and I both appreciate each other’s religious traditions and respect each other.”
“Putting on a series that undermines your belief is the opposite of respect. Your husband needs to stand up to his mom on your behalf about respecting you and respecting your boundaries.” – FalafelBiscuit
The subReddit really felt for the OP, who did not feel supported by her husband after the conversation they recently had.
While it may have been a little harsh to phrase her feelings in the way she did, it seemed there were other problems in the marriage that were much harsher, only beginning with the TV series and her husband’s insensitive comment about moving.