It’s fair to say that we each have limits to what we’re able to do in a day or what our living situation, realistically, should look like.
But sometimes there will be someone who demands more of us, and we have to let them down, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit.
Redditor ForIHaveSinnedd was at a loss when her husband expected her to care for his mother full-time, in addition to their one-year-old triplets.
When she felt the need to decline, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked at how angry her husband was.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting my husband’s mom to move in with us or to have to take care of her?”
The OP struggled with her husband’s idea of moving his mom in.
“My husband’s mom is 68 and she requires a full-time caregiver.”
“She’s currently in her home and my husband pays for a caregiver. But he wants to cut the cost (so we can put that money towards our kids) and have her move in with us while I take care of her.”
“I do not want to do this. I’m a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) who’s already taking care of 1-year-old triplets by myself.”
Her husband wasn’t empathetic to her concerns.
“He claims I’m selfish, but I literally have my hands full with 3 babies, I cannot take care of a 68-year-old woman at the same time.”
“He’s saying I don’t care about the kids enough to ‘sacrifice,’ which is absurd because he asked me to sacrifice my career to take care of our kids, and I did.”
“Now I’m not sure what he’s wanting me to ‘sacrifice,’ but I just cannot handle looking after his mother on top of the triplets.”
The OP started to have mixed feelings.
“My MIL (mother-in-law) was always good to me, so it isn’t personal. I just am not capable of juggling it all.”
“And he’s giving me the cold shoulder, which is sort of making me question whether or not I actually am the a**hole for denying his request, beause this is uncharacteristic.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP’s husband needed a serious wake-up call.
“NTA. Leave him alone with the kids for a weekend so he can see what their care entails. That’s way too much to have to deal with, and would only ended in disaster.”
“Why not look at putting his mom is a care home, and either selling or renting out her house to help offset the costs? She deserves proper care.” – Alibeee64
“NTA”
“Wow, you’re already a triple-full-time mom!”
“Have him stay home while you go to a nice spa for 24 hours and let him take care of the triplets and then ask him after if he would also have time to take care of his mom too.”
“With his reaction being so out of character, I wonder if there is something more going on. He already pays for a full time care giver… I wonder if he’s feeling guilty too or something.” – AbbyBirb
“I would honestly sit down with him and ask where this is really coming from. Is it money problems, is it guilt, is it wanting his mom to be closer?”
“Because there are compromises that can be made in pretty much all of those situations that won’t sacrifice the care of your triplets and MIL as well as your sanity and well-being.” – SeriousBeginning2215
Others agreed and said the husband was placing his wife in an impossible role.
“NTA but your husband is out to lunch if he believes you can safely care for FOUR (4!) vulnerable people at once.”
“Since he thinks apparently thinks you can care for a elderly woman and 1-year-old triplets alone, every day all day, ask him this: if one of the babies and his mother both start crying or screaming in panic/pain at the same time, who should you go to first?”
“Would he prefer you neglect his children, or his mother? After all, you’re willing to ‘sacrifice,’ as he asked, so who’s wellbeing should you sacrifice first?” – jmaeww
“NTA but your husband sure is. One baby is hard enough, but 3 is a huge challenge.”
“His mother requires more medically experienced care, so this decision could be dangerous if she had a medical episode and you were unable to establish what was wrong, or you were too busy with baby triplets to know what to do.” – majesticjewnicorn
“You know if anything happened to his mother or the triplets while in OP’s care, her husband would place all the blame on her.”
“He is putting his selfish desire to save a buck above the needs and well-being of not only his mother, but his wife and children as well.”
“Caregiver fatigue is very real, and very hard. And if OP lets him get his way, it will absolutely ruin her marriage and her mental and physical health.”
“OP’s husband is sacrificing nothing with his unreasonable plan, and has no regard for what OP is already sacrificing for him.”
“I also think that all this ‘sacrificing’ he wants OP to do will also cause him to complain about how little attention he’ll be getting, or about how now his ‘needs’ won’t be met.”
“This may also lead him to criticize OP because she won’t be able to live up to his high standards under so much pressure but he’ll end up blaming her for not being superhuman because he has NO concept of how much work OP already does to facilitate his wants and desires/life.” – MsDean1911
Some urged the OP to make arrangements for herself.
“Absolutely NTA! Hold your ground. Honestly, if he goes against your wishes, I’d take the triplets and leave. Let him sacrifice some.” – Equal-Tie1801
“Whose wellbeing does he want to sacrifice? His wife’s, of course!”
“After all, she only exists to serve him, his kids, and his mother, right? It’s not as if she has any rights or any life of her own, so what is she whining about?”
“OP, you are NTA but your husband is insanely selfish and entitled.”
“No wonder he wanted you to give your career; if you’re economically dependent on him he can wield that monetary power like a club.”
“Once your kids are old enough, do please consider returning to work. You’ll be better off in every way, both now and in the future.” – Marzipan-Shepherdess
“NTA, OP go back to work. If he wants to, he can take care of the kids.”
“If not, put them in day care. Make him pay 50% or a proportional amount of it.”
“Stop depending on this man for anything, the way he thinks you do nothing, it may lead to financial abuse among other bad things.”
“Go back to work and do not have a joint bank account for your salary.” – MissingRemusLupin
Though her husband’s cold shouldering made the OP think she may have been in the wrong for thinking that she couldn’t handle taking on more responsibilities, the subReddit insisted she had done nothing wrong.
On the contrary, the OP already had a lot on her plate with caring for three babies. To also take on an adult who needs full-time care would not only be practicallz an impossible task, but more than likely, not everyone would receive the care they need, the OP included.