Coming out of the closet is hard for anyone who has struggled and suppressed their sexual identity for a long time.
Realizing and accepting one’s own sexual identity comes with the uncertainty of how friends and family would react.
And while acceptance is the hopeful outcome, Redditor bisexualAH found it difficult to obtain approval from someone she expected would embrace her the most.
After confiding in her “friend,” she sought the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for ‘copying’ my friend’s sexuality?”
The Original Poster (OP) began her post with an introduction of her friend.
“For the sake of the story I’ll call my friend Kate.”
“So I’ve been friends with Kate ever since we were 11, we’re both 20 now and both women.”
“Kate came out as bisexual when we were 16 and obviously I was supportive of her.”
“It wasn’t until I was 18 that I started to question my own sexuality and decided that I was in fact bisexual.”
“Since then I haven’t told anyone about it mainly because I just wanted to keep it to myself and just really wasn’t comfortable with telling people yet.”
“That was until last week I decided to bite the bullet and tell Kate about it over text.”
But instead of expressing enthusiasm, Kate’s reaction was that of scrutiny.
“At first she was supportive telling me how happy she was for me until she started asking me if I was 100% sure and not just confused.”
“I told her that I’m positive that I am and have known about it for years.”
“She then tells me that she just has a hard time believing it because she hasn’t seen me take an interest in girls (I definitely have and like I said, I kept it to myself) or talked about girls when I’ve talked about boys.”
“I told her that I just didn’t feel comfortable coming out and that I am attracted to girls and I just haven’t found the courage yet to ask out a girl.”
What Kate said next threw the OP for a loop.
“Long story short, we went back and forth a couple of times until she eventually told me that she feels like I’m ‘copying’ her and just told her I was bisexual to sound cooler than I actually am (?) and that how she doesn’t appreciate me trying to steal her sexuality.”
“I eventually told her that I’m done with the conversation and that I’m going to bed and I haven’t spoke to her since.”
“I very much regret coming out to her and I still know that I’m bisexual but I can’t help but feel guilty and like a attention-seeking a**hole.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
People sided with the OP.
“NTA. Kate needs to get over herself, she doesn’t get to have a monopoly on being bisexual and doesn’t get to police other people’s sexuality. Her reaction is immature and petty.”
“Don’t worry about her OP, you do you.” – MaximusIsKing
“NTA- you don’t have to justify your sexuality to anyone.” – Masterspearl
“NTA believe it or not Kate isn’t the only bisexual. And as a bisexual the feelings of doubt, denial, erasure and the fear you’re just pretending and should be gay or straight is already bad enough.”
“Kate really dropped the ball. If she thinks you’re doing it for attention I wonder if she is projecting.” – AnAbjectAge
And Kate was ridiculed by Redditors and accused of gate-keeping something that isn’t copyrighted.
“For someone who says they’re bisexual, Kate is doing some mighty fine bi erasure and gatekeeping here.”
“She’s not the only one allowed to be bi and definitely shouldn’t be questioning the validity of her friend’s sexuality.” – tinkerbal1a
“NTA last time I checked sexualities weren’t under copyright. It’s true that some see being a member of lgbtq as something cool that makes them more unique, but based on your story and what you told your friend, you aren’t one of those people.”
“This could have been an opportunity for you to have something to bond over, but your friend doesn’t seem to see it that way.”
“Maybe call her back up and gently assure her that this was an individual discovery and had nothing to do with copying her.” – SpaceCaterpillar73
“Kate must think she’s the only gay in the village.” – Kyle-Voltti
“NTA. ‘Trying to steal her sexuality.’ Lol, what? It’s not like she owns bisexuality. She doesn’t get to put a copyright on a sexuality.”
“If she’s so sensitive and threatened by someone else coming out as bisexual, she has some problems.” – ForgottenRealm
“NTA. She’s not the first bisexual to ever exist, so who did she copy? No one has a right to gate-keep your sexuality.” – Drawn_to_purpose
“But she called dibs, right? Isn’t that how this works?”
“Seriously, though, OP, NTA and congrats on being yourself.” – GrailJester
This Redditor couldn’t imagine pulling the same stunt on her sister when they came out.
“NTA, she does know that she isn’t the only bisexual person in the world right?”
“I came out as a lesbian three years ago and my sister came out as a lesbian last year, Im not going to tell her she’s “copying” me?” – noodleeaterluvr
This Redditor called Kate TA and reassured the OP that what she was feeling was natural.
“NTA – I’m bisexual and what you’re feeling isn’t uncommon (it’s even pretty typical). It’s perfectly okay to take your time, especially when it isn’t something as cut and dry as ‘I am clearly gay and have known since forever.'”
“Regardless of what your experience level is, your sexuality is still valid. It’d be valid even if you never acted on it.”
“And your friend is definitely the a**hole; nobody’s got a patent on being LGBTQ+. Not to mention it’s incredibly common for friends and family to come out after someone they know does.”
“It’s often the first education anyone gets on LGBTQ+/queer topics and for a lot of us, it opens doors; suddenly, you can name this feeling, identify what it looks like – and it turns out, you feel the same way.”
“Once it’s no longer an abstract concept, it becomes a reality. Heck, I only realized I was bisexual because someone I knew came out. That’s just how it works most of the time.”
“Nobody’s got a monopoly on being queer. You’re the furthest thing from attention-seeking you could be, in this scenario.” – itsbedroomtime
Redditors empathized with the OP for Kate’s lack of support but assured there were plenty of bi communities ready to welcome her to the fold without judgment.