We always want to see the best in our loved ones, whether it’s a family member or partner. For a time, we try to turn a blind eye to less-than-savory behavior.
But eventually it becomes too much, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor S-Ad3531 was at a loss when her boyfriend started demanding that she stop doing certain things that she loved.
When they couldn’t come to a compromise, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to stop having girls’ night-ins just because my boyfriend thinks it’s wrong?”
The OP had something to share privately.
“This is a throwaway account, because he has my main account’s password.”
“I’ve been seeing this guy, ‘Will’ (27 [Male]), for months now.”
“He’s so sweet and funny and creative. Fun fact: he drives 2 cars that he adjusted/fixed on his own.”
“We don’t live together but we do meet at my place every weekend.”
The OP was surprised at her boyfriend’s recent outburst.
“He called and asked what we will be doing on Friday.”
“I said I wanted to host a GNI since it was my turn.”
“He asked what the heck was a GNI, and I said a girls’ night-in.”
“He got quiet then asked if I was being serious.”
“I was confused as he started talking about how outdated and sooo 1950s those events are and said that I should stop promoting and advocating for those events, as they are sooo toxic and flat out reek of misogyny.”
The OP was taken aback.
“I was shocked by his long rant, but he said that was his honest opinion.”
“I told him regardless I still planned to host the event after he tried talking me out of it and suggested we go out together after.”
“He suggested bringing his guy friends to join us, and I refused since this is not how GNIs work, and he threw a fit.”
“He called me a sexist and misogynistic for having a girls’ night-in and making it so obvious instead of being ashamed of myself.”
“He said that my mentality will cause me issues in the future, especially if I behave like that in a professional work setting.”
“Let me tell you, I was BLOWN AWAY by how he got so worked up like that over me just missing my girls and wanting to spend time with them.”
“We argued some more, and he hung up on me after I said I will not stop hosting or being part of GNIs no matter what he says about it.”
The OP tried to reach out later.
“I tried to call and apologize for lashing out later.”
“He sent a text, saying he was hurt by how I handled our small disagreement and needs time to process what he just found out about my personality.”
“This hurt mem but my friendship and the bond I share with my girlfriends is huge.”
“I don’t want to risk years of friendships by no longer being part of our bonding activities.”
“AITA for making this my hill to die on, as he says?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by the OP’s first statement alone.
“The fact that he already has her passwords to her social media is a red flag. He’s giving off seriously controlling vibes.” – Talisa87
“Why does he have her password? That’s kinda messed up. I always see ‘this is a throwaway account because so-and-so knows my username,’ but the PASSWORD too?” – J**zBeef
“Just read the first sentence of the Original Post. The a**hole has the password to OP’s main Reddit account and they have only been dating a few months.”
“Isolating her from her friends by claiming they are toxic is just another manipulation.”
“Since that didn’t work, he threw a tantrum and is now ‘punishing’ her by refusing to talk to her until she comes around to his point of view. This guy is the ultimate toxic a**hole.” – PaganCHICK720
Others said the boyfriend was throwing triggering words around on purpose.
“Girl, he’s manipulating you. There’s nothing wrong with girls’ nights and he knows it.”
“He doesn’t have moral objections. He has objections about you spending time with your friends without him.”
“F**k that. F**k him. Let him ‘process’ for literally the rest of time.”
“Don’t apologize anymore. You didn’t do s**t wrong. I’m f**king heated for you, dude.”
“This is bulls**t. Yeet him TF (the f**k) out of your life. He sucks.” – livlivesforbrains
“Sexist, I could at least kinda-sorta see the reasoning for but… misogynist?”
“A gathering specifically for women that excludes men is sexism targeted against women? If anything, it would be the opposite.”
“To be clear, I don’t think it’s misandrist, either, but I could at least kind of see the logic if that was the claim.” – lonely-void
“His thinking and behavior in this situation is ‘toxic.'”
“It’s ‘toxic’ to try and dictate how you spend your time and who you spend it with.”
“It’s ‘toxic’ to gaslight you and make you think you are doing something wrong by spending time with your friends.” – Cthulhu_Lhulhu
“Girl, don’t let him confuse you. ‘Me-time’ is very important in a healthy relationship and every mature partner knows this.”
“You can go out/have a sleepover only with your friends, and he can go out with his friends and his friends only to… I dunno, drink a cold one.”
“It’s not about you. It’s about him.” – mateitei02
“He’s trying to control who you see and isolate you from anyone that’s not on ‘his’ side. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have your friends over for an evening, or even overnight.”
“This is controlling and manipulative behavior and he’s just throwing in any buzzwords he can to make his controlling/abusive behavior sound ‘legitimate’ and like it’s somehow your fault.” – The-MooCat
Some strongly advised reevaluating the relationship.
“Your boyfriend is the reason women-only events and spaces exist.”
“It’s perfectly normal for you to want to spend time with your friends without him – regardless of gender.”
“It’s not normal for your boyfriend to control your social life, object to you spending time apart, have your passwords, and blow up and accuse you of being bigoted when he doesn’t get his way.”
“You told him one thing about yourself – you like having girls’ nights – and he told you everything about himself – he’s controlling, irrational, and doesn’t respect your autonomy or your friendships. NTA.” – LaBigotona
“You’ve only been dating this guy a few months. He already has your social media passwords for some reason and he’s trying to make you give up your friends?”
“OP, please look at the bigger picture here. This is a major red flag on top of other red flags.” – princesslugnut
“There are so many red flags in this one post. All of them are about control.”
“OP says that her BF has her password to her account, so she had to make a throw-away one.”
“He quite literally freaks out since he can’t spend time with your friends, when you have already made plans.”
“He tells you that you aren’t allowed to do certain things anymore.”
“Sweetie, this is abuse. He’s trying to get you to isolate from your friends.”
“Next, it will be any men that you know, including your brothers if you have any, then your parents since they are too nosy and bossy about you.”
“Then it’ll be your work colleagues. Then maybe you should stop working since you can’t do all the things he needs. Now you are stuck.”
“Run. Run right now.” – StormyAurora
The OP was confused about what to do because of her boyfriend’s objections, but the subReddit insisted she had done nothing wrong. Wanting to spend time with friends is harmless. Cutting a partner off from spending time with loved ones, however, is not.