Why can’t the past stay in the past?
It always seems to follow us.
But some people to use other’s history as a weapon.
And that can lead to some awkward situations.
Case in point…
Redditor alyssajordan__ wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my BIL that I wouldn’t sleep with him even if my life depended on it in front of his family and friends?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 F[emale]) got proposed to 2 months ago.”
“My fiancé Jax (28 M[ale]) has a younger brother Jacob (23 M) who I went to college with.”
“When I was in college I slept around a lot and was pretty known for that.”
“My fiancé knew this and so did his brother.”
“Jacob was a bit of a jokester so he liked to bring it up frequently.”
“At family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, etc.”
“My fiancé and his family often told him to stop when they saw I was uncomfortable with it.”
“Last night it was Jacob’s birthday dinner.”
“Me, my fiancé, a lot of his friends, and a few younger family members were there.”
“Jacob started getting more drunk and started cracking unfunny jokes.”
“Some included him saying how he was surprised I never took the chance to sleep with him in college.”
“Being fed up and a little bit drunk I told him i wouldn’t sleep with him if my life depended on it.”
“He got pissed and kept silent.”
“The dinner was awkward for the rest of the time.”
“My fiancé said and some of his family said that I didn’t do anything wrong and they even have been waiting for me to tell him that.”
“This morning I woke up to texts from Jacob’s friends telling me I’m a wh*re and a b**ch.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong but my friend requested that I post this on here to get outside opinions.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. He’s mad because you DIDN’T sleep with him.” ~ nixiedust85
“Yes! I was thinking the same thing.”
“Poor little incels that think they are entitled to sex.”
“It’s gross… by the way…body count means nothing.”
“My husband and I have been together 8 years and we’ve never even told each other how many people we slept with before we met… BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER!”
“You are totally NTA.” ~ Emilyredwine
“That’s the heart of it.”
“Wanted her at school, couldn’t get her, probably talked bad about her and called her a sl*t and said he could have had her.”
“When everyone with brains and eyes knows that he probably never could have.”
“And then she ends up with his brother. “
“A brother who I guarantee no matter what he looks like, in little brother’s eyes has always been hotter/smarter/better.”
“This guy is a raging incel and the fact that his own family is on her side means that everyone but him and his loser friends can see it. NTA.” ~ koalapsychologist
“OP NTA.”
“And yay for your partner and others for standing with you!”
“Going forward just pretend he doesn’t exist.”
“At events you can’t avoid leave any conversation he joins.”
“Just casually walk away, freshen your drink, I often go to the bathroom & then go where my abuser isn’t.”
“Even if he talks directly to you just calmly not answer and do something else.”
“He’ll get tired of not getting a rise or a response from you and begin to feel like the a**hole he is when you leaving him hung on his own words.” ~ No_Appointment_7232
“NTA. But what is your fiancé and the rest of the family doing about the jerk misogynist in their midst?”
“They’ve been waiting on you to say something like that to him for a while?”
“Why is it your job to shut down THEIR family member?”
“If my little brother said something like that ONCE to somebody I was dating I’d bring holy hell down in his head.”
“You should ask his parents why they’re ok with him talking to their future D[aughter] I[n] L[aw] that way.”
“Look at your fiancé and ask if he’s happy seeing his future bride called a whore in front of others?”
“The family tolerates it because they don’t think you deserve to be treated like a member of the family.”
“Your fiancé lets it go on because he agrees with it.”
“If they wanted it to stop, they could stop it, or tell him he’s not welcome any longer.”
“They have options but they’re not using them.”
“Why do you have to be the one to stand up and stop him, and then be the one dealing with his friends abuse?” ~ kevwelch
“NTA. He clearly wanted to sleep with you back then and is pissed off that he missed the chance to even try.”
“He just wants to, I don’t know, roll the blame over to you?”
“Like ‘if OP just had realized I’m the perfect guy, we would be together’ or something like that.”
“But that is not your problem, it’s his. And he has to deal with it.” ~ LordDesanto
“NTA as you said in your post, you know you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“People that insult women for having too many partners are misogynists.”
“His jokes, if you don’t find them funny, are misogyny.”
“You are not an AH for responding to that, certainly not how you responded.”
“You could’ve emptier his beer on his head and not been the AH.”
“I don’t know why your partner hasn’t told him to cut it out.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to seem like he has a problem with you having multiple partners in the past, which he shouldn’t.”
“But he should have a problem with his bro making jokes you don’t like.” ~ magog12
“NTA – you were single and free to do what you pleased in college, no shame in that so no one should be shaming you.”
“You’re fiancé can be ok with your past and that’s all that matters.”
“Everyone else can f**k off.”
“And this brother is clearly TA because he wont respect your wishes for his to shut up about it.” ~ FluffyMom2Z
“NTA. You may consider the decision that the next time he starts with this you leave and until he apologizes you don’t return to any family function.”
“If not – you and your fiancé and your BIL to be need to figure out how to handle this because his behaviour is not acceptable at all.” ~ MersWhaawhaa
“NTA. It’s not his job to announce information about your past to everyone and try to embarrass you.”
“He’s done it several times, and everyone has told him to stop.”
“So now he thinks you’re mean for finally standing up for yourself?”
“How long were you supposed to take his harassment before saying something?” ~ Teacher-Investor
“Absolutely NTA, but look, your fiancé and his family really need to do something about this beyond just asking him not to do it.”
“They’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t stopped; now he’s escalated it to his friends sending you abusive misogynist messages.”
“Sit down with your fiancé and ask him what he’s going to do about it.”
“If he says ‘Well I already asked him to stop, what can I do?’ then you tell him the following…”
“You cannot control your brother’s behavior, nor am I asking you to.”
“But you’ve asked him to stop and your brother refuses to change.”
“Since something needs to change for this behavior to stop, and since it’s not going to be brother, it needs to be the rest of you.”
“If you ask someone to do something once or twice and they refuse, you don’t just throw up your hands and say ‘Well, I tried!'”
“You either decide you can live with it, or you change your behavior so that their refusal doesn’t impact you as much.”
“By continuing this dynamic, your fiancé and his family are saying ‘well, this sucks and is horrible for OP, but I guess we can live with this.'”
“They probably don’t intend to say this, so communicating this is key!”
“‘Go along to get along’ is just such an ingrained strategy, that’s why they probably don’t even realize they are OK’ing his behavior by doing so.”
“I hope that your fiancé and his family will see your point and be willing to change their behavior.”
“I’d certainly encourage you all to strategize so you’re on the same page the next time this happens.”
“If fiancé and/or family want to continue their behavior, well, then, again…”
“The only person whose behavior you can control is you. “
“And your choice is the same: Decide I’m OK with this for the sake of family peace even though I’m being verbally abused, or I’m going to change my behavior toward this a**hole.”
“And then tell (don’t ask) fiancé and family about your decision, whether it’s that you’ll leave the room, blow an air horn at each comment, or just not attend.” ~ FeuerroteZora
Looks like OP has Reddit as her champion.
Maybe BIL and his friend’s should read this thread and take a look at their behavior.
It’s never nice to shame other’s on their past.
Especially if it’s someone who will be around forever.