When someone we care about has wonderful news to share, like a new job or wedding engagement, we typically do our best to support them and celebrate with them.
But if they are doing this under false pretenses, we might have to cut off the celebration, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ladyR0seX felt she had no choice but to tell her brother’s fiancée the truth when she discovered that her brother had told her practically nothing but lies.
But when she was accused of single-handedly ruining the engagement, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to speak up.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my brother’s fiancée the truth?”
The OP was invited to her future sister-in-law’s get-together.
“I (21 female) have an older brother (29 male) who has been divorced twice and is about to get married to his fiancée of two years (26 female).”
“She had a party celebrating the fact that she got engaged a few days ago.”
“I was invited but my brother wasn’t, since she wanted to have a little party with her friends. She also wanted to bond with me (her future sister-in-law), so she also invited me.”
The fiancée started to say some things that surprised the OP.
“I started chatting with her and her friends, and later in the night, we started to get a little tipsy.”
“Then suddenly, she started to talk about my brother, stating that she couldn’t believe that he never got married before, since he is such a handsome man.”
“But it didn’t make sense that she said that, since he was divorced twice, and one of his former wives had a child with him?”
“Then she started to talk about him saying things that weren’t true, like the fact that he was a lawyer, that he worked at a hotel as a janitor, and that he was making 150k a year when he was only making minimum wage.”
The OP felt she had to speak up.
“At this point, I was shocked because of how all the things she was talking about were untrue.”
“I asked who told her these things, and she said it was my brother.”
“I was confused as to why he said those things, but I knew that in his previous marriages, he verbally abused his wives, so I knew, either way, I could not let this slide.”
“I brought her to the bathroom upstairs and told her everything, I mean everything.”
“She looked shocked, and after I finished telling her, she went downstairs, got her stuff, said she felt sick, and left.”
The OP was accused of ruining the engagement.
“The next day came around, and my phone blew up with messages, missed calls, and messages from my family and brother about what happened.”
“It turns out that after she left, she went to her house (where my brother was at the time) and confronted him. Then she broke up with my brother and kicked him out.”
“My family and brother are calling me an insensitive b***h and a homewrecker.”
“I don’t feel bad about telling her the truth, but I do feel bad about ruining the engagement.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the fiancée deserved to be able to get married on her terms, not someone else’s.
“She deserved to know who she’d agreed to marry.”
“Also, what did the brother think was going to happen? If you tell someone lies, but don’t tell people who know the truth the lies, they’re likely to ‘out’ your lies whether they mean to or not.” – Wynfleue
“There are lies by commission and lies by omission. If OP had not told her the truth, she would have been every bit as complicit in her brother’s terrible act as he was. That situation was going to end very badly for that young woman and I’m glad OP did the right thing.”
“BTW: What’s wrong with her family? I hope the brother told them something that was far from the truth in order for them to believe OP somehow did something wrong.” – RandoCollision
“They were together for two years. How did she not verify what he did for a living, nor knew he had a child and two prior marriages? Two years? Wow, she really did not know him at all.”
“In two years, she should have known him well enough to marry him, when in fact she didn’t.”
“Sounds like she was deceived and he was a huge chronic liar. OP saved her from that future life of horror.” – SeniorLIFE60
“A husband in a shared home is harder to get rid of than a fiancé who doesn’t live with her. OP helped this poor woman avoid a lot of bulls**t.” – Snackpotato457
“NTA. You also saved her a lot of grief. It is common for people who create these fake personas to become verbally or even physically abusive once the spouse realizes it’s all a lie.”
“If you hadn’t said anything, she may have found herself burdened with marital debt or a child – both of which would make her escape more difficult.” – Fantastic_Nebula_835
“Wait, so your brother, a janitor who makes minimum wage (nothing wrong with that), lied to his fiance about his previous 2 marriages, a child, and overinflated his wealth by a factor of 10?”
“And they’re b***hing at you for letting her know? Ya, NTA.” – Excellent-Guest-1082
Others were worried about what would have happened if the woman had gotten married.
“You were right to ensure that her brother didn’t have a chance to completely trap this woman. The fact that these lies were SO unsustainable and yet he told them anyway is lowkey terrifying to me, because what the h**l were his plans to ‘make her stay’ once this all came out?”
“Not even kidding, reproductive coercion sounds like the less scary option of where this could have been going eventually.” – TheJujyfruiter
“The lies would be explained away with more lies.”
“‘Holy s**t, babe, my firm went under… but it’s ok, I found a job at a hotel for now. Oh, that child support? Yeah, I started helping an old friend, because the dad ran out, and what choice did I have? Se how good of a person I am?'” – ghostofumich2005
“When you get married, to get the license, you must acknowledge and prove other unions were properly dissolved. So either he’s lying there, making it not a legal marriage, or he’d be truthful and she’d find out possibly just hours before the wedding (some states don’t make you have it very far in advance of the ceremony).”
“I’d say if you have crappy news to find out, it’s better at the engagement party than right at or before the wedding. Or… after the marriage and wasted years of her life.” – Evenoh
“Presumably, he thought that once he got that wedding band on her finger it would be extremely hard for her to chuck him to the curb, and even if she did then he would be able to claim 50% of her property, etc.”
“All he needed was to get her over the finish line. Bravo to OP for helping her turn and run in the opposite direction!” – NannyOggsKnickers
“I wouldn’t equate being verbally abusive with being a good manipulator. Yelling at someone and making them feel inferior and then being able to get them to blame themselves is a lot different than pulling this level of a con for, according to someone else, 2 f**king years.”
“Like how do you pretend to be a lawyer for that f**king long and her still not catching on? Was he walking out in a suit every day and changing when he got to his janitorial gig? Did he pull out loans to cover dinner and dresses for her? Did he fake legal jargon when talking over dinner???”
“I’m morbidly curious as to how this was possible.” – ShockAndAwe415
“I wanna know how the f**k the brother expected to go through the whole wedding/wedding process without even telling everyone to lie for him and just expecting that no one would make any ‘third time’s a charm’ jokes or anything.”
“Like, this was possibly the least sustainable set of lies he could have chosen.”
“But that’s just aside from how f**ked up this lie was in general. Girl dodged a bullet, the verbal abuse 100% would have continued with her, especially if he’s so unapologetic about insane lies.” – ayoitsjo
The subReddit was completely on the OP’s side in regards to speaking up and telling her brother’s former partner the truth about her brother’s past. She deserved protection she wasn’t getting from her fiancé and his family.
They were confused about how the brother could have carried out these lies for so long, or what would happen when the fiancée eventually found out, but they ultimately agreed that the fiancée, and every other possible woman the guy would date, would have the right to know.