Many people dream about their perfect partner.
Someone who looks a specific way, works a specific job, behaves a specific way.
Most people know that finding this idealized creation will likely never happen.
Others however remain steadfast in finding their perfect mate, and thus any potential partners who don’t check off every item on the list simply will not do.
Such was the case for a friend of Redditor GreatPurpleKing, who shared everything they expect their soulmate to possess.
Something the original poster (OP) wasn’t afraid to tell her would likely never happen.
After being told they were too hard on this friend, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling a friend her expectations of a partner are batsh*t insane?”
The OP explained how they were part of a friend group, who, owing to their ever-changing careers and personal lives, don’t see one another as often as they once did.
“Our group of friends has known each other for the better part of our lives.”
“We’re all in our late twenties and early thirties, and honestly, everyone has a lot to do these days, with each having chosen a different career path we don’t meet that often anymore.”
“However, we try to meet at least once every two or three months.”
“Unfortunately, I have not been able to be at present as often in the last few gatherings.”
“I founded a company in the tech industry years ago, and work my ass off to make sure it succeeds.”
“Thus, my schedule isn’t really that flexible, causing me to not be able to be present in these social events.”
They were eventually able to make one of the group meetings, where their sharing about their job led to a member of the group listing their sky high expectations of an ideal partner.
“I managed to free some time and actually went to their last event.”
“Nothing out of the ordinary, just a simple dinner party.”
“We were having a pleasurable time, talking, laughing and just spending some good time when a friend asked me why I could not come to the other meetings.”
“I explained the situation, and suddenly this woman started to talk over us.”
“She said that she would never date someone who worked so much, not that anyone asked her, and proceeded to talk about her ideal partner, something still no one asked for, how the man had to, and I quote:”
“‘Be successful in his career, Be fit and healthy, Be a gentleman and always shower her with presents’ but, she also said ‘He needs to spend a lot of time with me, and not be over focused on himself always thinking of me first’.”
“Now, this doesn’t seem like bad standards, right?”
“Thing is, she said more, I just don’t think I should write it.”
“First, I don’t think anyone who wants to be successful in their career will have ‘tons’ of time to spend with their partner.”
“Especially if they need to be fit, understand fit in the context of bodybuilding Instagrammers, and the part about the gifts just made me shiver.”
This list proved a bit too much for the OP to handle, and they weren’t afraid to say so to this friend.
“I admit, I should have just laughed it off or smile it off, but I just spoke without realizing, ‘that’s batsh*t insane’.”
“You can assume she was extremely offended by that. I tried to explain that I didn’t think anyone in this world fits that criteria, but it was just my thoughts, and she shouldn’t care about them.”
“But the damage was done.”
“These past few days, I have been told by more than one of my friends, she has been badmouthing me.”
“Which is understandable, as I should have kept my mouth shut.”
“Regardless, what is done is done.”
“But, I don’t think I was that much of an a**hole given the situation.”
“I mean, she spoke over us, was rude and honestly, I still think she was batshit insane.”
“That being said, I’m trying to decide how much of an a**hole I was here.”
“Apologizing is definitely the best way, but I would be lying if I said I would be honest with it.”
“Thus, I wanted to ask Reddit your thoughts.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
For the most part, the Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for dismissing their friend’s unrealistic expectations of a partner.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP’s friend’s list of requirements was indeed ridiculous, and if some felt the OP could have been nicer in their wording, they had every right to speak up.
“I’m a woman and I agree completely that her demands for her partner are indeed batsh*t insane.”
“I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume she’s single?”
“I’m curious now about what else she said lol.”
“So she’s looking for someone extremely wealthy that doesn’t work too much while having the time to workout regularly.”
“BUT all of that must take second place to her and all her wants.”
“Always coming first as well as being showered with gifts and attention.”
“How is she not having men lined up for her? (Sarcasm).”- FlickaFeline
“Apologize for a much needed reality check?”
“No, better than that, for the fact that she’ll spend the rest of her life alone!”
“Or with someone that’ll have to make do, as her standards can, of course, never be met.”
“Don’t waste any more time on her, unless to further bring home the fact that she’s ignorant and foolish.”- DynkoFromTheNorth
“I really don’t think that was the worst thing you could’ve said.”
“She spoke over you guys and threw in a conversation no one asked for. sure, two wrongs don’t make a right, but i don’t think this is particularly a**hole-y.”
“It’s your opinion on those standards, no?”
“If she didn’t want commentary on it, she wouldn’t have spoken up in the first place.”- leeseri
“Does she realize that any man like that will be in high demand and unless she brings the same to the table this prospective Superman can keep looking for other dates?”- Elfich47
“Personally I was always interested in a rugby player who played the cello to clear his mind but alas!”
“Not sure she is just wishing out loud or if she is serious but the gift thing gets me too.”
“She’s a fool and she’ll end up alone or in a bad marriage because of her views.”
“Further, and let’s be honest, does she bring a single valuable thing to any relationship she is in?”- WannaBeADriver94
“Not uncommon, lots of people want a unicorn for a partner despite there not being enough hours in a day.”
“But I won’t call you an a**hole for letting her know that certain criteria she’s looking for kind of cancel each other out or simply work against each other.”
“Imo it’s Also not wrong to ask these people what they bring to the table that would entice someone to break the laws of time for them.”
“Especially NTA as you weren’t even talking to her but she thought it ok to bring up what she thought was undateable about you?”
“Nobody asked?”- Summoning-Freaks
“Bottom line is that this woman barged into your conversation uninvited and started blurting out her ideal standards like it were fact.”
“These standards sound quite frankly selfish and it would be no surprise if she’s had no success with finding anyone.”
“Hell, I wouldn’t even look at her, let alone touch her.”
“Materialistic gold-digger vibes right there.”
“And the fact she’s responding to your impulsive remark by slagging you off behind your back and badmouthing you shows how much of an a**hole she is.”
“Also, if she didn’t want to be criticized on her thoughts she shouldn’t have spoken up in a conversation she wasn’t even a part of.”- Derp_Aderpy
However, while many agreed that the OP’s friend was being silly and obnoxious in expressing their perfect partner, they also believed the OP was out of line in calling her list “batsh*t insane”, and should indeed apologize.”
“I agree, ESH.”
“You were an a**hole, but not as much as her.”
“But because her a**holery was distributed to the entire group, and yours was targeted at one person, people expect you to apologize.”
“It’s a weird group dynamic thing.”
“Apologize for calling her ideas batsh*t insane, and don’t go beyond that, because that was where you overstepped.”
“Don’t bring up her expectations.”
“No, ‘but I was right’, or anything like that.”
“Doesn’t matter if you’re honest.”
“Just acknowledge your error and move on.”- BusyDadGaming
Oftentimes, it’s best to follow the old saying, “when you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything.”
But then, as much as some may try to deny it, no one has complete control over their emotions, which seemed like the situation the OP was in.
And while the OP shouldn’t apologize for how they felt about their friend’s unlikely list of requirements, as it would be disingenuous, they might want to consider apologizing about their behavior.