It always hurts when our significant others prioritize others over us, especially in the case of special experiences.
Most of the time significant others obviously have other friends: that’s not the issue. It’s when they stop spending time with us, or cancel plans with us in order to see their friends instead, that it really truly hurts.
Redditor Clueless-Crab found herself in the awful situation of feeling like she was undervalued by her boyfriend. After expressing as such, her boyfriend then reacted very badly.
Confused if she was at fault for being honest, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for feedback from objective strangers:
“AITA for getting upset about my partner potentially going on vacation after he canceled ours?”
Our original poster, or OP, talked about the vacation that she and her boyfriend were supposed to take together.
“Earlier this year my boyfriend(31M[ale]) and I(27F[emale]) we’re going to plan a vacation after he mentioned that he really wanted to get out of town, burn out, etc.”
“We were thinking somewhere in Florida, but I had no real qualms with any place or another. I have never been to a beach, nor had we taken a significant trip together before as a couple so I was extremely excited.”
“I’m trying to stay on top of the planning and actually get things booked, he continues to lose interest in the whole plan saying ‘it’s too much work to plan this.'”
“I personally don’t see how hard it is to plan a flight, book a hotel, and potentially a rental car. Then he starts saying he doesn’t have the budget (even though there were cheaper options than Florida and I told Him I could cover more than half) and this was his idea in the first place.”
“I didn’t care about the cost I really just wanted a fun experience with him. So I was pretty hurt when the entire thing just fell apart and he decided he wasn’t doing it. I haven’t brought up the trip or any other options since.”
And then OP’s boyfriend turned around with a blindsiding request.
“A few days ago he tells me his friend asked him to go to the beach with him and he wants to go, and he asked me what I thought about it.”
“I was honest and direct and said ‘if you want to go, I can’t stop you however I’m going to hurt that you wouldn’t go on a vacation with me but you will go with your friend, when you know how excited I was.'”
“‘I also don’t understand how that trip is completely affordable when ours wasn’t, and if you do go with him, if your budget is tight, I have to assume we definitely won’t be going anywhere this summer.’”
And now OP and her boyfriend are on poor terms.
“Since then it’s been a fight. He ‘doesn’t understand how I’m upset about something he hasn’t even done’ when that really isn’t the case, nor is that fair in my opinion.”
“He’s now telling me ‘I can’t tell you anything without getting upset and I have to walk on eggshells.’ Which in turn makes me feel the same way. He asked me what I thought and I told him the honest truth.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t care if he goes out with his friends and I don’t like being made out to be controlling. We have been dating for two years and I would like to feel like a priority sometimes. AITA?”
“Edit for more info: where we live a trip to any beach is at least a 7-8 hour drive or a several hour flight. He’s not choosing a day trip over our vacation. It is literally the same trip, expenses, etc.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
People definitively took OP’s side on this one.
“The ‘flipping’ is an emotional abuse tactic. He does something that hurts you and you tell him it hurt you.”
“He then makes the issue how you expressed that he hurt you and thus the argument becomes about you and the initial issue is never addressed.”
“ALL of your points are valid OP. He WANTS to go on vacation without you. You deserve to be with someone who wants you there… not just there for the daily grind of chores and help paying bills, but there for the fun times as well.”
“It’s not worth arguing with him about this. He already knows this is a shitty way to treat you, but he would rather go with a friend (for whatever reason).”
“He is hoping his mental gymnastics will confuse you into continuing a relationship with him even after he has shown you how little he values you.”
“You are right to feel hurt. You are right to feel as if he doesn’t care about you. I am guessing this isn’t the only time he has shown a callous disregard for your needs and feelings.”
“The longer you stay/the more invested you become on this relationship the WORSE he will treat you.”
“He doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings, I would be gone when he gets back and save yourself years of heartache. Make room in your life for someone who cares.”-LeeLooPeePoo
“NTA. Start planning a trip with some girlfriends and see how he reacts. He’s going to have a lot of objections about you going…money, going without him, are you trying to meet someone else.”
“Then you will know exactly the reasons he is going with his friend and not with you. Those objections will be his objectives while on vacation.”-shopgirl2
“His actions show that he just isn’t really into you. He doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you. Of course he’s not going to tell that to your face until he’s ready to break up with you.”
“Maybe he’s just waiting for someone to come along before he breaks it off. A lot of people are cowards that way – they don’t want to be alone so they wait for the next relationship before breaking off the current one, even when they are losing interest in it.”
“Another possibility is that he’s just not very considerate of a person and doesn’t really care how his actions can affect your feelings, and only cares about himself. In which case you really should find someone better.”-KURAKAZE
“NTA. Honest question – is the friend single, in a relationship, or married? I don’t want to pass judgment on his actions, but I can’t help think it’s not just a vacation with the friend.”
“His words and actions towards you make it seem like he wants to end things with you, but is too chicken to do it, so he’s trying to force your hand.”
“IMHO, I’d let him go and you plan a cute weekend with a girlfriend (or few) at the beach. I can almost guarantee you’ll have a better time than him.”
“I know you wanted to go with him, but wouldn’t you rather go with someone who enjoys your company?”-falalalama
And people noted that her boyfriend was showing some manipulative behaviors.
“NTA. Sounds like you have a bigger issue with gaslighting and manipulation by him going on. Nothing about what you said is unreasonable.”
“Honestly you may need to take some time and really evaluate this relationship, because for him to do that to you is unreasonable at best and narcissistic at worst.”-jengle1970
“NTA. Your bf is totally inconsiderate. You were doing the legwork on everything to make your vacation happen and he pooh-poohed the whole thing.”
“Then suddenly he wants to make a nearly identical trip with his friend and blames you for giving him the truth on your feelings in a way that was honest without being rude.”
“I think you really need to figure out weather the pros outweigh the cons of your relationship. 2 years and he’s already out of the romance phase where he wants do do special alone time things with you…is not good.”
“But what would be worse it putting in a lifetimes worth of effort into someone who simply doesn’t care how you feel or want to reciprocate ever.”-IsThatMarcy
“NTA this not ok, his friend is more important to you than him. My partner and I had a similar problem, he got to travel when he was younger I did the whole uni, work and house thing.”
“That’s fine it was my choice but now COVID has put our London trip before a baby plan in the trash, his friend asked him about doing a boys trip to Japan when this thing was over and his response was no if we can’t do London I’m not doing Japan.”
“Does he often pick his friends over you?”-Fine_Prune_743
“Have some dignity and self-respect OP, that should have been the moment you walked out of this emotionally abusive relationship.”
“You’ve missed your cue to leave countless times already, YWBTA to yourself if you stayed. NTA, this post is a symptom of a much larger issue of gaslighting and your own self-esteem issues.”
“You have to want more for yourself and know in your heart that you deserve better than this. Run, and never look back, come out of this stronger and know that your feelings are valid.”-_HappyG_
People were telling her that this was a sign: to get out of the relationship and don’t look back.
“NTA. Sounds like your boyfriend got called out and is now turning it into being your problem. You have every right to be honest about your feelings.”
“You also are extremely justified in being upset. Your boyfriend is TA right now and is turning on you to take the heat off of himself. Don’t let him gaslight you!”-AdhesivenessIll7741
“NTA, OP please plan your own trip. My only regret is that I allowed boyfriends to dictate what plans we did.”
“It meant there were many trips i didn’t do, such as go to Scandinavia. Don’t get me wrong, I had some fun too, and did do some trips.”
“Don’t let your boyfriend be your handbrake. You have the budget, enjoy yourself.”-flax97
“NTA. My ex did something similar. I’m a huuuuge hockey fan, especially our minor league team. I invite him to go with me and my friends.”
“He turns it down because he doesn’t care for them. I ask him to go to a game just the two or us. I would’ve have paid all the expenses, I even arranged a sitter and hotel room in the city for a nice date night if he was up to it.”
“He declined, he isn’t into sports and doesn’t want to spend money on it (despite the fact I’d be paying).”
“Bummed, I canceled everything and had no plans because that was my plans. He comes to me 3 hours later, asking to borrow my jersey because the boys invited him to the game and he’s gonna go.”
“Was so angry, I cried. He didn’t get it either. It’s the fact that he wants to go on essentially the exact same trip, just not with you.”
“All his concerns PRIOR to his other invite (costs. Planning. Time)- still there. He prioritized his friends over you, and thats a gut punch.”
“If he doesn’t get why that would hurt and would complain about you being hurt by it…. I’ve got a therapist I can recommend because that therapist got it through my ex’s thick skull why it wasn’t okay.”-mamabear421
“NTA I’m sorry but it seems like he doesn’t want to go on vacation with you because he’d rather have a ‘vacation’ from being in a relationship.”
“With his friend he can do whatever he wants, such as check out other women or maybe even do more than that.”
“Then he can come home and be with you again and you wouldn’t know what he did.. This was never about the cost or trouble of booking a vacation. He’s not being honest with you.”-ComprehensiveBand586
Redditors have spoken, and they most definitely think OP deserves better than this.
Hopefully OP sees that too, and takes this advice to heart.