We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like.
Mostly, these perceived faults are just that – perceptions.
So we do what we can to work on the things we can change, and we try to change our outlook on the things that we cannot change.
Sometimes, though, someone says something that hits directly on one of these insecurities and sets all that work back.
So what happens when the person doing the insulting is someone you love?
What happens when you don’t stand for it?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) lemkq339 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for what I said after my husband commented on my flat chest?”
First, some background.
“My husband Jared and I have been married for 3 years.”
“He’s currently out of work (used to work at a high-paying job but got kicked out the company over a fight with a co-worker) and I’m the one paying for rent and utilities.”
“We dedicate some time to see his family weekly.”
“They don’t know he’s unemployed because he thought they’ll see him as a failure especially his mom so he told me to keep it a secret.”
“Last night we were sitting eating dinner at the table.”
“His cousin was talking about his fiancee going to brazil to do a boob job.”
Everything was fine, until…
“Jared asked if he was serious then ‘flattered’ FSIL’s boobs saying they’re perfect and that he didn’t understand why she’d get a boob job.”
“He then turned to me, stared at my chest while I was eating like an idiot (I have a flat chest, I’m insecure about it but can’t do anything about it obviously) and said ‘Hey why don’t YOU get a boob job, you’re the one who needs it the most”‘.
“His mom gasped and was like ‘ JARED!?? ‘ I said ‘It’s fine!’ I then turned to him and said ‘I’ll get a boob job once YOU get an ACTUAL JOB since you’ve been unemployed for 6 months now$!!”‘,
“He stared at me in disbelief.”
“His mom began questioning him about being unemployed and he denied denied denied then admitted it was true.”
“It got awkward with his mom scolding him and others shaming him for it and for hiding it. He got so overwhelmed he went outside and stayed inside the car til I came.”
“He started yeling at me repeatedly ‘you coudn’t have held your effing tongue?!!’, And accused me of turning his family against him and having them judge then shun him now he can’t even step a foot in their house from shame and guilt.”
“I argued that his comment about my chest was insulting, but he said he was giving me a piece of advice and that there is nothing wrong with him wanting me to look pretty and that he said what he said out of support and encouragement.”
“But I what I did was the complete opposite and that it was intended to hurt him and I succeeded.”
“He dropped me off at home then went to stay with his buddies. I called him later thinking he calmed down but his friend said he didn’t want to speak to me and I shoud give him space.”
Left wondering if she was wrong, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some answered with sarcasm.
“You were just encouraging him to get a job :)”
“NTA”
“Edit: gosh thanks for the awards you guys. Please have a beautiful day!” ~ not3catsintrenchcoat
Others pointed out what a bad guy hubby is.
“Right?”
“OP’s response was on point.”
“Husband: Get a b00b JOB”
“OP: Get an actual JOB.”
“This man clearly has issues and OP has already been too kind, letting him live off her like a parasite.”
“This behaviour had to stop.”
“He was taking advantage of her and deliberately not getting a job while hiding behind her And disrespecting her at the same time. The audacity of this man!”
“OP—NTA” ~ Goddess-Ylvia
“Also, he dropped her off, went to his buddies, and when she tried to call him he let his buddy take the phone, and tell OP he didn’t want to talk to her.”
“Like, asshole, creep, aggressive, childish, what else?” ~ RemtonJDulyak
“To quote Mike Birbiglia “All I (he) had to say (do) was, Nothing.”‘
“His secret is to be held and guarded like Ft. Knox but he feels free to spout idiotic arseholery.”
“If he had kept his stupid thoughts to himself nothing else would have followed.”
“OP NTA would have continued being the sole earner & he could be an idiot, but his family would’ve been none the wiser.”
“All of this is entirely his fault.”
“OP these people don’t change, he likely won’t ever reach his previous level of employment, we can ALL tell you now that staying in the relationship will suck the life out of you.”
“Starting over is hard, not all that fun, but worth it every second of every day.” ~ No_Appointment_7232
Commenters pointed out the effects on OP.
“You didn’t go too far at all. He’s trying to convince you of that, but you didn’t go far enough IMHO.”
“You told the truth. He has a habit of lying, snooping, sexism, and humiliation. From this story alone. NTA and please reflect on why you are putting up with this. You deserve better.” ~ Unusual_Swordfish_89
“This! I don’t throw around the divorce stuff lightly, but to ask you to front for him for six months, lie to everyone about his employment status while you pay for everything (so he can take credit for your hard work).”
“And then gaslight you with a boob job comment in front of his family, f*ck him! NTA!”
“If they aren’t already, lock down your personal accounts and other finances before he can get into them, change your passwords, and make a plan to get this awful man out of your life!” ~ BikingAimz
“Gently, I think this is what is commonly called “A Starter Marriage.”’
“Get to a lawyer.”
“Don’t start proceedings until he has a job, unless Jared starts proceedings while he’s still unemployed?”
“That would suck for you in terms of alimony? Maybe? I don’t know!”
“That’s why you need a lawyer.”
“Jared is a very very bad person that’s done a decent enough job of hiding his poor character until recently. He’s not a nice man.”
“Don’t have kids with him. Use his family to make sure he gets a job and is self-sufficient. Start planning your exit from this relationship.”
“He’s capable of anything. Be careful.” ~ No_Performance8733
Some even had lists.
“NTA. Why do you want to be with someone who:”
“Would fight with someone at his workplace and lose his job”
“Lie to his family about being unemployed.”
“Is ungrateful and oblivious to you literally caring for him and keeping a roof over his head”
“Thinks you’ll be more attractive with surgery.”
“Knows your insecurities and exposed them to his family without the slightest bit of regard for your feelings”
“Angry at you for not keeping up with his lies.”
“Could make you feel like you’re supposed to be okay with being insulted.”
“Can’t properly discuss a problem, he caused, so he runs away to his friends…”
“Makes you feel like you need to get justified on a website because he’s gaslighted you into thinking you were wrong.”
“NTA.”
“This was a very short post but the flags are waving sis.” ~ Number5MoMo
“So he:”
“Got fired for an argument with a coworker and kept it a secret.”
“Insulted your body in front of his family, and then tried to spin it as a ‘piece of advice’ given out of ‘support and encouragement”‘
“Yelled at you and asked why ‘you couldn’t have held your effing tongue?!!”‘
“NTA.”
“EDIT:”
“Thanks for the awards! Lots of good comments downthread on points that I missed, including calling FSIL’s boobs ‘perfect’ in front of his family, and insinuating that OP wasn’t pretty with a small chest.”
“OP also clarified that he was fired from his job for accusing a coworker of unethical behaviour and violating their privacy by snooping in an attempt to prove this.” ~ stubborn_panda26
For some, OP’s husband was just gross.
“NTA – Not even a little.”
“Telling the truth shouldn’t be frowned on.”
“I could understanding keeping it under wraps for a few weeks until he maybe had an idea, but for months, especially when you see his family often, is ridiculous.”
“That’s not even touching on his comment.”
“Which was absolutely unnecessary, demeaning and disrespectful, especially in front of company.”
“He needs to seriously pull his head out. He’s being supported by a wonderful, supportive wife and he decides to take a swipe at something he knows you’re insecure about?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“It might be time to sit down and think about his behavior and if this is a one of thing or starting/is already a pattern.”
“You don’t need to be around someone who makes you feel like anything less than the queen you are for keeping your house afloat.” ~ Character-Spinach591
Insecurity is a part of human nature.
The intrinsic nature of the problem means that people are well-versed in using it to hurt others.
Remember to be kind when possible, but always protect yourself.