One always has to be careful when offering advice to friends and family, especially when the people in question didn’t ask for advice in the first place.
In certain circumstances, there are some issues which are simply too personal for others to become involved in, opening the possibility for tension or arguments.
Redditor throwrasister6566 found herself in such a situation, when she chimed in on a very personal decision her cousin was making, subsequently putting her at odds with some of her family.
After having second thoughts about her behavior, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my cousin and her husband they should consider stopping their IVF treatment?”
The OP first revealed an unfortunate struggle her cousin was going through in her personal life, and the costly lengths she and her husband were going to in an effort to change it.Â
“My (f[emale] 28) cousin Lauren (f35), and her husband have been struggling with having kids and are suffering from health issues.”
“They’ve begun IVF treatment which is expensive where I live.”
“So far they’ve had several rounds but no luck.”
At a family gathering, the OP decided to share her thoughts on her cousin’s decision to get IVF treatments, which did not get the reaction she was expecting.
“They visited on my mom’s birthday yesterday, we don’t see each other much now but mom tells me about how they’re doing in general.”
“We were conversing at dinner and the IVF got brought up.”
“Lauren said she and her husband are about to undergo another round of IVF.”
“Everyone at the table said a prayer and wished them luck, but I told Lauren that after spending this much money and after having already gone through several rounds in addition to other factors contributing to their infertility issues, she should really consider stopping IVF and taking a break and also saving money.”
“Lauren and her husband looked offended, Lauren then said that they aren’t struggling with money so it’s okay.”
“I explained that they may not be struggling now but will be in the future seeing they’d spent thousands and wasted money for no benefits while they could’ve financially helped some struggling family with kids.”
“Lauren got quiet, I stated that this was just my opinion after all.”
“Lauren’s husband looked at me grudgingly and said ‘I think you should just mind your own business and keep your opinion to yourself’.”
“From there the argument ensued.”
“I told him he was being disrespectful and he kept talking back.”
“Shortly after, he and Lauren left.”
“Mom started asking me why I caused a scene on her birthday.”
“I said we were just talking but Lauren and her husband blew this way out of proportion.”
“Mom said that I had 0 say in anyone’s reproductive choice and should’ve kept my mouth shut.”
“My sister who rarely agrees with me sided with me saying I was good.”
“But mom is insisting I call Lauren and apologize to her.”
“My husband too sided with me and told me to give it a few days and Lauren will call.”
“I see Lauren as my sister and I respect her but we have our moments.”
“AITA in this situation?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed the OP was way out of line, finding her to be the clear a**hole in this situation.
Everyone agreed the OP had absolutely no business sharing her opinion on this very personal struggle her cousin and her husband were going through, particularly as they didn’t ask for her opinion in the first place.
“YTA.”
“Let me guess, you’re the ‘struggling family with kids’ they should’ve helped instead.”
“This is absolutely a MYFB situation.”-E_Mohde
“YTA.”
“Hugely.”
“This isn’t your choice, you are not entitled to an opinion unless specifically asked.”
“Their finances and family planning are none of your business.”
“I’m glad the husband stood up for themselves, they are in a tough enough situation without having to deal with outside criticism.”- emmacalgary
“YTA.”
“Lauren’s husband said it best ‘I think you should just mind your own business and keep your opinion to yourself’.”
“People always say when giving opinions we should think:”
“1. Is it neccessary?”
“2. Is it helpful?”
“3. Is it kind?”
“But I think we need to add a fourth”
“4. Is it asked for?”
“Your opinion was not necessary, helpful, kind, or asked for so keep it to yourself.”
“They will already be getting unwanted opinions about their reproductive decisions from so many people who should have kept their thoughts to themselves, don’t jump on that bandwagon.”-mahnamahna123
“YTA.”
“What they do with their money and their bodies is none of your business.”
“And the ‘they could’ve financially helped some struggling family with kids’…”
“Are you helping a struggling family with kids?”-Primary-Criticism929
“Yes, YTA, and your mom is right; you have no right to butt in about their reproductive choices.”
“You have NO idea what an infertile couple is going through emotionally so keep you mouth shut.”-DocChloroplast
“YTA – Not your circus not your monkey.”
“Stay out of it.”
“It’s none of your business how they spend their money, and if they wanna spend it on IVF.”
“And then to be so rude as to suggest that they should be helping other people, are you?”
“What gives you the right to tell them how they should spend their money.”- Roadgoddess.
“Wow YTA.”
“They are trying to have a child, not planning vacations.”
“It’s not wasted money to them.”
“If you think what they are doing is wrong keep it to yourself.”
“What they are going through is hard enough without someone, especially family, telling them they are wasting money.”-DwightMcRamathorn
“Congratulations, a**hole! “
“You made the hell that is IVF even more special!”- Cheezslap
“YTA – not even just a little bit.”
“I hope your incredibly insensitive self never suffers with infertility.”
“She didn’t ask for your opinion! “
“The worst part is when you were rightly told to mind your own business you argued back.”
“Grow up, apologize and hope she ever wants to see you again!”-Miami1982
“YTA!!!!!”
“I cannot yell that loudly enough!”
“Why tf do you think you get a say in their finances or decision regarding having a child?”
“Infertility is so incredibly deeply painful and all the hormones and shots and things you have to go through during ivf only to be crushed time after time let alone yeah it’s freaking expensive.”
“No it’s not fun spending money on it but it’s well worth the possibility of having a child.”
“Seriously what is wrong with you?”
“Keep your mouth shut as this in no way concerns you.”
“Are you just jealous that they have the money to do it?”
“Omg I missed the line where you told them to give their money to other people?!?!”
“You are straight up jealous of their money and it’s disgusting.”-HPNerd44
“YTA.”
“Hah. What’s wrong with you?”-9okm
“Why would you say that?”
“No one asked for your ‘advice’ or opinion.”
“It’s not your body, relationship or money so it’s not your place to give unsolicited ‘advice’ or opinions.”
“And why would you continue after it was obvious they were offended?”
“You started an argument despite it being very obvious that your opinion wasn’t welcome but you didn’t care.”
“YTA.”-GlitterSparkleDevine
“YTA.”
“Did Lauren and her husband ask for your opinion?”
“No.”
“Are Lauren and her husband using your money?”
“No.”
“IVF is hard for many couples.”
“For them to have had several unsuccessful rounds must be devastating.”
“But instead of offering support – or even just literally keeping your mouth shut – you told them they should stop?”
“I mean really, how did you think they’d react to that?”
“It’s their lives and their money, it’s literally none of your business what they do.”
“You owe your cousin an apology.”
“Next time keep your ‘opinion’ to yourself.”-CherryCool000
“YTA.”
“This isn’t any of your business and they didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“It’s not disrespectful to tell someone to mind their own business, especially when they’re in someone ELSE’S business not to mention it was your mom’s birthday and you selfishly ruined it for no reason.”
“Your husband and sister are delusional.”
“Of all the terrible things I heard people say to me during the time I had fertility issues for many years, the most painful was someone saying I should give up.”
“Your mom was right.”
“Stay out of their business.”-Gogowhine
“Yep, YTA big time.”
“Just wow.”
“It’s not your money or your life.”
“Infertility can be a serious, life changing struggle for many.”
“If you can’t be supportive, keep quiet.”-misslo718
“YTA.”
“Did they ask you to pay?”
“Are they using your uterus? “
“They AREN’T?”
“You better come up with some really GOOD apologizing but first you’re going to have to remove your foot from your mouth so everyone can understand you.”
“You have no right to comment on another person’s body, or their reproductive choices, or even what color they choose to dye their hair.”
“And don’t count other people’s money.”
“And maybe grow up and grow some compassion.”
“All this hormones and she has to deal with an asshole like you on top of it, all self righteous and sanctimonious, you’re lucky she didn’t come after you with a fork.”- petmomintheBLC
What makes the OP’s remarks all the more surprising is she didn’t seem to offer any sympathy towards her cousin, in spite of being all too aware of her struggles.
Here’s hoping she’ll be able to mend their relationship and the OP might think a bit more carefully before speaking going forward.