Modesty in relation to religion is common across cultures, sects and denominations. You see it in the clothing of Catholic clergy, Orthodox Jews, Amish, Muslims and Mennonites to name only a few.
The degree to which people practice modesty is sometimes a strict social guidance and other times it’s open to individual choice.
A woman who chooses to practice modesty fof her faith turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after photos of her were shared online.
Similar-Hope-9839 asked:
“AITA for asking my friend to take down her bachelorette party photos?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“To start this off I am a Muslim woman who wears the hijab. I cover my hair and most of my body.”
“It is haram (a sin) to willingly show a man my hair once I’ve become a full blown hijabi, unless he is a male family member or husband. Of course every sin has different weights, and it’s more so a personal thing between me and God rather than anyone else.”
“I do not judge those who don’t do the same, nor do I try to impose my beliefs onto others. Everyone will have their own personal journeys, and just as I know I’m not perfect, I can’t judge others for it either.”
“It is simply necessary for me. It makes me feel comfortable.”
“I (23, female) recently went to a friend’s bachelorette party. Women only, no drinks, just girls being girls and celebrating a friends soon to be marriage.”
“Maya (24, female) has been a friend of mine since kindergarten and I’m more than happy to be a part of such a big part of her life. She isn’t religious, but she accepts my views and is even going to let me wear a more modest style abaya as her maid of honour.”
“This is to say Maya understands the hijab and what it means to me, or so I thought.”
“At the party, I took it off as it was just women. We were going to sleep over anyways, so I don’t think anyone was expecting me to sleep in the thing.
“I always find it funny how they react when they get to see my hair, like I’m secretly Repunzel or something. We watched a movie, took photos and videos, and generally had a good time.”
“I had no problems with the photos being taken, since my friends are usually respectful and don’t post them anywhere. It just stays in our groupchat.”
“We went to sleep and the next day everything was normal. We cleaned up and I drove home, finally checking my phone.”
“I opened instagram to the tagged icon and checked it to see myself and the girls on Maya’s public account.”
“I quickly messaged Maya asking her to take it down before anyone else saw, as I couldn’t control whether or not some guy was going to see her post, and she refused saying that there were no other good photos of her.”
“I asked her to simply crop me out or even draw over my hair and neck but she said that it would look wrong and that I’m overreacting. I insisted I wasn’t and that she knew that I couldn’t show my hair to just anyone.”
“Instead of responding to me, she took it to the groupchat as some sort of ‘counsel’. Half of them agreed that she shouldn’t have posted a photo of me without my hijab and a couple others told me I was overreacting and no one cared besides me.”
“I should note that one of the most vocal of them who disagreed generally doesn’t like me so she would have disagreed regardless of what I said.”
“All of the photos of me were candids—besides one which was not one of the ones she posted on Instagram. The whole carousel were candids of what was essentially a pyjama party.”
“I’ve known these girls for years and it’s been known that photos of me without my hijab just stay between us. I used to just say no to photos, but it’d always be a mood killer.”
“There were around 40 photos taken and I was only in 6 of them. She only posted 7 on Instagram, but I was in 3.”
“I was in the minority of the 40 photos, and still was in almost half of the Instagram post. I removed my hijab for the party because that’s a conversation I had with my friends ages ago.”
“I’ve known Maya since we were 5 years old. She grew up seeing my mother wear the hijab, and was there as I started to wear it in my teen years.”
“I’ve communicated my boundaries to her, and the group, over the course of years.”
“Most of us are urging her to take down the post, and now she’s claiming we’re putting her under a lot of stress with the wedding only a week away, but I don’t see what that has to do with this.”
“Am I really being unreasonable for wanting to be respected? AITA?”
The OP added:
“There were about 40 photos and I was only in 6 of them. People are under the impression that I was in every photo taken.”
“I wasnt, yet I was in almost half of which were posted. All of the ones posted were candids.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m asking her to take down her Instagram post. She’s claiming she’s really stressed because of it and that it isn’t a big deal, so me pushing it might make me an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. If a friend of mine asked me to remove a photo with them in it—for WHATEVER reason—it’d be removed from the photo before the day ended. My friends can trust me 100% that I won’t put them in a position that makes them uncomfortable.”
“But, at this point, you have no control. You can ask her to remove the photo, but you can’t control it.”
“Learn from this and don’t trust her again. You can’t let your guard down around everyone.” ~ ladystetson
“My husband is very private and doesn’t want his photos online anywhere. Friends posted photos on Facebook that they took at our wedding and quickly took them down when asked.”
“There’s nothing unreasonable about asking your friends to remove photos of you from social media. NTA.” ~ IAmGoingToThat
“My husband is very particular about what photos of him go online, to the point that I always ask him before I post a photo, even a benign one. If he says no, I don’t post it, no matter how cute it is or if I look good in the photo or whatever. Simple as that.”
“I cannot imagine what would ever possess me, short of a brain tumour, to post photos of a woman without her hijab online in the first place, much less stubbornly refuse to take them down once asked.”
“I’d be incredibly embarrassed to have made a mistake like that, and would be tripping over myself to fix it and apologise. NTA.” ~ boudicas_shield
“I don’t see what being a friend has to do with this. A decent person would do it if a complete stranger asked. Heck, I would do it even if it was someone I disliked. NTA.” ~ Infinite_Slide_5921
“You don’t even have to be a friend, you just have to have basic decency. I wouldn’t do this to anyone, including a total stranger. NTA.” ~ boudicas_shield
The OP provided an update.
“I wanted to give it a couple days before I updated to let the situation cool down or hopefully resolve itself. In short, the post got taken down, the wedding is still happening, and I’m still friends with her.”
“I got a bunch of DMs from her fiancé the other day, apologizing, saying that he’d recognized me in the photos of me without my hijab and he’d informed me that he told her to take them down.”
“He’s Christian—possibly Russian Orthodox—and from what I understand, his mother veils so he understands the rules around hijab a good bit.”
“He felt bad he saw me and I had to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault and thanked him for talking to Maya for me. He asked if this whole situation would affect our friendship, and I told him I wasn’t sure in what way.”
“A bit after, Maya finally messaged me one to one for the first time after the whole fiasco. She apologized and explained she didn’t think it was a big deal since her other Muslim friend doesn’t wear the hijab and she thought I was simply being dramatic.”
“I told her that everyone is different and what someone else chooses to do with their body and faith doesn’t mean someone else will do the same.”
“My older sister doesn’t wear the hijab, Maya’s seen her. It’s a personal choice and no two people are going to have the same relationship with it.”
“I asked her why me asking her to take it down wasn’t enough on it’s own, since she’d done similar things for others in the past—think bra strap showing, unflattering angle, exposed scars—without hesitation.”
“She said she wasn’t thinking straight and felt like it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It was only when her fiancé brought it up to her that she took it down.”
“She put the other four photos up—the ones without me in them—and she realized that she was being stubborn for no reason. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make up for it and I asked her to just keep it in the past.”
“I’d like to clear up the notion that is the first bachelorette party or even wedding our friend group has had, since that’s far from it. Added, we’ve had conversations regarding special occasions MANY times so even if it was the first time, this shouldn’t have happened.”
“This wedding will be the third and come by September, mine will be the fourth! Also, we’ve been friends for almost two decades, so cutting her off over this would be so out of proportion.”
“I did not report the photos to Instagram, and I did not abandon my faith like some of you suggested. This may not be the update some were wanting, but at least things are better now and the wedding is soon and going as planned!”
It sounds like cooler heads prevailed and everything worked out for the best.