Money can make people do all kinds of crazy things, and it can show a darker side to people than we might have realized was there before financial problems or materialistic temptation arose.
Throw in a wedding and a toxic family, and that’s a recipe for a gigantic nightmare, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flaky-Purchase103 had spent her entire life taking care of herself while her brother had everything handed to him by their parents.
This included her paying for her wedding, which was within her financial budget.
But when her brother was getting married and wanted a big, “lavish” wedding, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her parents demanded she pay for it since they were financially tapped out.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to pay for my brother’s lavish wedding, even though I can afford it?”
The OP had always been treated differently than her younger brother.
“I (32 Female) have worked really hard for everything I have. Growing up, my parents treated my younger brother, Jake (29 Male), like he was a prince, while I was expected to be the responsible one.”
“While I was working part-time jobs from a young age, trying to save money for college and paying for my own stuff, Jake basically got handed everything on a silver platter. My parents paid for all his hobbies, his car, and even helped him with rent well into his 20s.”
“Me? I had to figure everything out on my own.”
Despite everything, the OP had done very well for herself.
“I don’t really resent that or I try not to, because honestly, the hard work paid off. I’m now in a good place financially. I have a stable job, a home I own, and savings that make me feel secure.”
“Meanwhile, Jake’s only just now starting to get his life together. He’s always been a bit… laid back when it comes to working hard. He got used to our parents bailing him out whenever things went wrong.”
“Now Jake’s getting married, and of course, he wants a massive wedding. I’m talking, like, destination wedding, expensive venue, designer clothes for the bride, the works, and there’s no way he can afford that.”
The OP was shocked by the solution that her parents came up with.
“It’s pretty clear our parents can’t afford this kind of thing anymore, especially after all the money they’ve spent on him over the years.”
“But instead of being realistic, they’re trying to make it happen for him… by asking me to pay.”
“They sat me down a few weeks ago and started with the whole, ‘You’re doing so well, and Jake really deserves this,’ speech.”
“They basically want me to pay for most of his dream wedding because ‘you can afford it.'”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told them flat out that no, I wasn’t going to pay for Jake’s wedding. If Jake wants a big fancy wedding, then he needs to figure out how to afford it, not rely on me like he’s always relied on them.”
The family continued to try to guilt and pressure the OP into covering the expenses.
“My parents didn’t take it well at all. They started guilting me, saying that ‘family helps family’ and that Jake’s wedding should be special.”
“Jake’s fiancée also has these high expectations now, and apparently, it wouldn’t be fair to her to have a wedding that isn’t what she dreamed of.”
“The pressure from everyone is unreal. My brother hasn’t said much directly, but he’s been making passive-aggressive comments about how ‘some people in the family’ could make this wedding happen but are choosing not to.”
“It’s frustrating because while I could technically afford to help, why should I? I worked hard for everything I have, and I saved and budgeted and made sacrifices. Jake has never had to do any of that, and now I’m supposed to bankroll this huge wedding. I didn’t even have a big wedding myself!”
“Now I’m being painted as the selfish one in the family for not helping. My parents are practically begging, and even friends of mine are saying things like, ‘Well, if you can afford it, why not just help them out?'”
The OP couldn’t shake the feeling that she shouldn’t be made responsible for this wedding.
“But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not my responsibility. Jake and his fiancée should plan a wedding within their means, not expect me to be their backup plan.”
“Am I wrong for refusing to pay for my brother’s wedding, even though I could technically afford it? I feel like I’m being unfairly judged here, but maybe I’m missing something?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was Jake’s responsibility, not hers.
“NTA. It wasn’t your wedding. He’s a big boy. If he wants to get married and play house, he has to pay the bills.” – Odd_Owl_5045
“NTA.”
“Using guilt to manipulate you to pay for your brother’s wedding crosses a ton of boundaries and shows zero respect for you.”
“Second, if your brother’s wife wants a big fancy wedding that he can’t afford, he should man up and go ask the bride’s father to pay for it or get a loan or shut the f**k up.”
“The fact that he didn’t come to you himself and humbly ask for help paying for it makes the whole thing a non-starter for me.”
“And gaslighting you to think this is your duty is just bulls**t.”
“If your brother needed an expensive operation, I’d say you’re on the hook to help. That’s when family helps family. Not when they want to rent a club with an open bar.”
“Shut that s**t down. SMH (shaking my head).” – Jedi_Lazlo
“It’s not selfish to expect your brother to fund his own wedding, especially when he’s had everything handed to him. You’ve worked hard for your success, and it’s not your job to cover for their lack of planning. Stick to your decision; you’re not a backup plan for their dreams.” – xhotlena
“Tell your parents that this needs to be a lesson for Jake in financial independence because there will come a day they aren’t there to bail him out anymore. They haven’t taught him to be good with money, and if he doesn’t learn now, he will end up in massive strife and debt down the road.”
“You don’t owe him anything, honestly. NTA.”
“Your family’s golden child mode is unreal, but also his fiancée probably never realized that your parents used to fund Jake’s lifestyle. She may rethink things if he can’t afford a lavish wedding, and it would be better if he knows now whether she loves him with a budget and a spending cap, or just with lavish things.” – Elegant_Pea_4195
“NTA. What’s next, you need to buy him the house he can’t afford, either?”
“And then the really fancy, Stanford-portal daycare they can’t afford but that their children ‘deserve’? Then the private school they still can’t afford after spending all their money away on luxuries while depending on you? And then the college tuition?”
“Maybe even a heart transplant after your brother fails to ever start taking care of himself, but you’ll leave him all of your assets, so it’s fine? He deserves a heart more than you, just like he deserves a fancy wedding while you didn’t, right? Right?”
“No, nip this in the bud now before it can get any worse. This is only the beginning.” – TheBookishAndTheBard
Others argued against anyone feeling obligated to pay for someone else’s wedding.
“NTA. No one is obligated to pay for their family just because. No exceptions.” – baddreammoonbeam888
“Family helps family when family is in need. Your brother doesn’t need this, and he certainly doesn’t deserve this. You’re right to refuse and to resent being asked.” – Turmeric_Ping
“Family helps family when it is a two-way street. This appears to be a very one-way situation.”
“OP should ask her parents and brother about the occasions they helped her, and if they hadn’t, asking whether they do not consider her family.”
“And then the OP should really stand on that point, using their logic against them, and make them VERY uncomfortable. After all, they DESERVE it.” – AnswerIsItDepends
“Parents: ‘Jake really deserves this.’ You: ‘Why?'”
“Parents: ‘Family helps family.’ You: ‘I guess I never learned that as no one ever helped me.'”
“Jake: ‘Some people in the family could make this happen but are choosing not to.’ You: ‘Now you finally understand.'”
“Friends: ‘If you can afford it, why not?’ You: ‘They should have the wedding they can afford. That’s what I did. I have plans for my savings, and his wedding is not in my budget.'”
“Tell your family less about your finances. Invest in your retirement and other future needs.” – Holiday_Trainer_2657
“NTA. Honestly, you may want to show your parents this Reddit post. They have been enabling your brother for his whole life, and now that they can’t afford to enable him to meet his expectations, they expect you to step into the enabling.”
“My mom did this with my brother. They need to stop. Nothing good comes from doing this. Jake will continue to get worse. He probably has a ton of debt or will if he doesn’t yet. Your parents won’t be able to afford retirement if they continue to enable him. Guess who both will turn to in the future?”
“Also, customarily, the bride and her family pay for the majority of the wedding. The groom’s side pays for the rehearsal dinner and maybe chips in for the wedding.”
“The number one reason for divorce is financial reasons. Your brother is expecting to blow your parent’s money and your money. The fact that he has been enabled to be financially illiterate will likely end in their divorce. If they both are like this, then they are even more likely to end in divorce. This isn’t personal; it’s just facts.”
“Do not pay for this wedding. If your family doesn’t respect you and your decision and they want to continue to gaslight you, then you should go low or no contact. You need to create boundaries for your family because they clearly can’t create their own boundaries; otherwise, they wouldn’t be enabling your brother.”
“In nine out of ten possible futures, your family won’t get it. You’ll likely have to go low or no contact. Just wanted to give you the likely outcome upfront so you aren’t surprised.”
“Don’t let other people ruin your life or your financial security because they don’t know how to adult.” – Lucky-Avocado-4647
The subReddit couldn’t stop shaking their collective head over how poorly the OP’s parents had served her younger brother by teaching him nothing about financial literacy and responsibility and for expecting the OP to continue the problem they had started.
The OP had already paid for her own wedding, within her budget, and it was time for her brother to do the same. If she wasn’t paying for the wedding of her dreams, then it wasn’t a wedding she should be paying for.