Redditor No-Map8380 is a 27-year-old woman whose 30-year-old fiance was asked a favor by his brother and sister-in-law.
However, the Redditor had misgivings about her easygoing fiance considering to accommodate his brother’s request.
In the pursuit of living a “drama-free” life, she found herself struggling with a hypothetical and visited the “Am I the a**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA (27f) for not wanting my fiancée (30m) to donate his sperm to his brother so he and his wife can have a child?”
“My fiance was asked by his brother (37 male) and wife (35 female) to donate his sperm so that they could have a child.”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“For comprehension purposes I’ll call them F, BIL and SIL.”
“F and BIL are very different people, but grew up very close. F loves his brother unconditionally, and through the years has lent him money and favours without hesitation.”
“One of the things I love most about F is how kind, considerate and selfless he is with those he loves.”
“The issue is this. BIL and SIL have been trying for a baby. Their doctor advised it won’t be possible to conceive unless they use donor sperm.”
“BIL has now approached F to donate, reasoning that his DNA is the closest match to him so it’ll be basically his kid. They apparently won’t consider another donor, or adoption. This is their only shot.”
“F came home after telling BIL he had to discuss it with me. He’s stressed. He doesn’t know what to think. He wants to know what I think.”
“I don’t think he should do it. I don’t think it’s fair of BIL and SIL to basically spring it on my F and tell him that he’s their only chance at a family.”
“Even if they didn’t mean to, it’s manipulated his feelings about the topic from the start.”
“BIL and SIL aren’t that well off – I don’t know much about their personal finances, but I do know they took out a considerable loan from F’s parents for their wedding recently.”
“Each round of IVF is $10k+ where we are, and research says it takes up to 3 rounds to get pregnant. With more financial burden each time, and no promises of conception, I’m worried the relationship will turn sour even if no one’s at fault.”
“F and I don’t have kids. Yet. The thought of my F’s first child not being with me… Is so jarring. And I know it’s not about me, and it’d be an incredibly amazing/selfless thing for F to do, but I can’t help but think of how we’d feel being around the baby.”
“We’d be around the child constantly. We all live fairly close with family events every other month, so becoming a recurring figure in the child’s life is inevitable.”
“There’s been no discussion on what the child’s relationship with F will be, how they intend of disclosing it, etc. I feel like it’s just trouble waiting to happen if there’s no transparency on things like this from the start.”
“F went to visit his mother after the conversation, and she asked him what he was going to do about it. As in, BIL had already told their parents what he was asking of F.”
“Again, even if he didn’t mean to, BIL has added more pressure on F to make a decision by dragging his (grandbaby-fevered) parents into it. I don’t think that’s fair.”
“F is an amazing, super good-natured person and would never see these slights as… Slights. But I’m more cynical. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“We’re easygoing people by nature who just want to live a drama free life. And by doing this, it’s just inviting so many potential problems down the line. AITA if I tell my fiance what I think?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with her as not the a**hole here.
“NTA. As a donor child, I can tell you that your concerns are warranted and that this would be a terrible idea for you, your fiancé, them, and, most importantly, the baby.”
“Kids aren’t little replicas of us. If the only way they’re willing to have a child is if it’s as genetically similar to them as possible, that’s unfortunate, but NOT your fiancé’s fault, and I believe it reflects on them.”
“These days, sperm donation and conception via comes with counseling and is a careful process. That’s for a reason.”
“We know a lot more about the psychology of these situations than we once did. It’s really important for everyone to be on board and go into this with clear heads.”
“The fact that you don’t want to do this is enough to jettison the entire idea. No, no, no, a thousand times no. This is a line in the sand that they must respect.”
“I strongly believe going ahead with this idea will result in damaged relationships and potentially set the child up for abuse because your BIL likely hasn’t worked through his infertility if he’s trying to go for the ‘only if it’s related to me’ route.”
“Again, I have first-hand experience in this. Y’all should check out some of the subs or Facebook groups for donor families and donor children. You’ll learn a lot.”
“Good luck!” – US_Justice_Apartment
“He asked for your opinion. Which automatically makes you NTA. I like how constructive and sorted your thoughts about this are.”
“Discuss it with him and especially talk about all the uncertainties you have right now because they’re important (like what will his role be, how will you feel around this kid, will those feelings match the assigned role,…).”
“There’s lots to consider. If he ultimately decides to do it see if you can live with that and if yes, support him.” – akiraMiel
“NTA. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation either and it’s a much bigger ask than they are making it out to be. It could have the potential to f*k with you both mentally. Is there a reason that they can’t go to a sperm clinic?” – Local-Usual5858
“NTA and I’d reconsider marrying into this family if your fiance chooses to go forward with it. There are 3 things I remember from my U.S. family law class:”
“1) assuming where they’re low on funds, they’ll want to do the turkey baster method. If they go after your husband for child support without using a clinic, courts can find there’s not enough legal separation, even if you write a contract, and your husband could be liable for child support. 2) often clinics will not allow close family to donate due to these interpersonal issues or at the very least require counseling.”
“Especially if the family member donating does not have children of their own yet. 3) courts will do what they feel is ‘in the best interest of the child,’ which often screws over the adult.”
“Personally I think you got into in a lose-lose situation the moment your brother-in-law asked. Either you do it and at minimum you’re likely to get dragged into drama down the road because it, or you don’t do it and the family blames you forever.”
“I agree that the brother-in-law telling the mother-in-law was to put pressure on your fiance into saying yes because then he can drag the whole family into the issue if he says no.” – HuskerHurricane
“Nta. This is not a decision to take lightly. I don’t think your BIL and SIL are manipulating. They are desperate and infertility is very traumatic. They can’t demand it, but can ask it.”
“As someone who has dealt with infertility and had to think about using an egg donor:”
“Don’t say yes if the both of you are not convinced.”
“But, if there is a maybe: seek therapy, both together as with the intended parents. Educate yourself (Three makes baby by Jana Rupnow is excellent) and then make a decision. And if it becomes a yes: make everything legal and make clear what all the expectations are.” – EntertainmentOk6284
Overall, Redditors felt the OP should have a discussion about how she really feels about the brother’s request as her feelings were valid.