We can all admit that when one of our loved ones is in a tough spot, whether it be financially or emotionally or otherwise, we will do all that we can to get them into a better situation.
But providing assistance to them should not negatively impact someone else, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway23fw’s eldest daughter and boyfriend found themselves in a tough situation right after having their fourth child, because they were both struggling to keep jobs, pay bills, and not get evicted from their home.
Wanting to make sure her grandchildren were provided for, the Original Poster (OP) made a decision that helped her eldest daughter and grandchildren, but left her younger daughter, about to graduate from high school, completely in the dust.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for sacrificing my daughter’s college fund because her sister just gave birth to her fourth child?”
The OP’s oldest daughter and boyfriend were struggling to keep jobs.
“My (48 Female) oldest daughter (24 Female) gave birth to her fourth child six months ago with her boyfriend.”
“She used to work as a dishwasher, but due to health issues stemming from her second child (chronic back pain that started during the pregnancy) and then her third child (after-effects of a broken tailbone and more chronic pain that made standing and moving around hard), she can no longer work.”
“She tried her best, getting an office temp job, but after about a week, the woman supervising her said, ‘This isn’t working out.’ She was a very uptight woman who claimed that it always only took her three days max to train everybody else to do the data entry work, and that she couldn’t ‘just be a good person and accommodate slower learners.'”
“That woman likely caused her to get a bad reputation at the temp agency and she didn’t get hired elsewhere.”
“My daughter’s boyfriend (28 Male) works at Walmart. He had much more hours when she was pregnant, but since then, his hours have ebbed and flowed. He said he would take a day in the future to look for jobs, but it’s the holidays and he’s busy with family.”
“I feel a lot of empathy for my daughter and her boyfriend and wish I could help them out more, but I am a single mom working for a nursing home where I struggle to get full-time hours. My ex also ran up a lot of debt in both our names and is now living in another country, leaving me responsible for all the dues.”
The OP’s younger daughter was preparing for graduation and college.
“My younger daughter (17 Female) has a college fund. The amount in it would be enough to pay a large amount of a two-year community college tuition, given the scholarships and grants she would also likely get.”
“She’s applied to four-year universities, as well, with the understanding that she’d be taking out loans and working.”
“So she’s leaving her options open and deciding between four-year and community colleges.”
The OP’s oldest daughter’s situation worsened when she got evicted.
“The other shoe dropped after my older daughter’s landlord found out that they were having her boyfriend’s brother and girlfriend living in their one-bedroom apartment in exchange for them helping with the rent. They got evicted.”
“My daughter agrees it was wrong to lie to the landlord, but they likely would have been out on the streets soon, because they needed the brother’s help with the rent to continue living there.”
“Now my daughter and her boyfriend are depressed because her boyfriend got a job offer one state away, and they would have to move from their support network.”
“It was a conditional job offer (he said something about a paid probation period) and not the most glamorous; it’d essentially just be manual labor.”
“Her boyfriend would likely have to move out there without them first, or they would have to find short-term housing unless he wants to keep Walmart on a back burner and somewhere transfer over there, working two jobs.”
“That’s a lot of stress when he’s also needed to help with the older two kids especially.”
The OP wanted to help her grandchildren, but at a great price.
“They came to me asking for help so they could have more time to find financial stability here.”
“I was torn, but seeing my grandkids in that moment, I knew my duty was to care for the most vulnerable people in the family, and that was them.”
“So I made several calls to liquidate my daughter’s college fund, saying yes to understanding the penalties, and told my daughter what I had done after the fact.”
“She got very cold and said, ‘You always brag about having a good memory. I hope you remember this moment then.'”
“She has not spoken to me since.”
“She spent Thanksgiving inquiring with family members and friends to see if hospitals are keen to hire college students for kitchen or reception or anything.”
“She also made some cryptic social media posts about how she hopes she’ll be grateful one day that she won’t have the privilege of studying anything outside of something technical because she needs something where she’ll always be able to find a job in, so the most her passions will ever be able to be is hobbies or something like that.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was teaching her daughter that she never needed to be responsible.
“YTA. Why should your teenager be punished because your oldest keeps having babies she can’t afford or support? You go on about ‘doing your duty’ to your oldest and her ever-expanding brood of children she can’t pay for but seem absolutely fine not doing your duty to your other child?”
“If this was about ‘duty,’ you’ve failed horribly. You ruined her life to bail out someone not responsible enough to figure out how birth control works. Great job, ‘Mom.'” – Panaccolade
“Yep. You are totally and completely YTA here. All day, every day.”
“Way to screw over one daughter for the other’s thoroughly s**tty life choices.”
“Remember what your daughter told you. You’ll need it to answer the question of why you never see her or hear from her and wonder why she won’t let you see your grandchildren.”
“Seriously. Wow.”
“Did you also raid her piggy bank when she was nine to get your older daughter a car?” – MirroredGarageWalls
“YTA.”
“This is such a blatant act of favoritism. You have made your youngest daughter’s future harder due to no fault of her own, because of your oldest daughter’s poor life choices. Frankly, she should not have four children she cannot afford.”
“Your duty of care is to your minor child, not your adult child who thinks it’s easier on the body to run around after four children than to get a job.” – Mobile_Prune_3207
“YTA. You’ve got this completely backward. You are rewarding the daughter making poor life choices at the expense of the daughter who is trying. ‘Caring for the vulnerable’ is fine, but you can’t care ONLY for the vulnerable. By doing so, you are unwittingly incentivizing your children to keep failing, expecting someone will always be there to bail them out.” – GoNinjaPro
“This seems like textbook learned/willful helplessness to me.”
“Applying for aid requires recognizing that you’re in a bad situation and need to do something about it. The oldest daughter doesn’t think she needs to do anything about it and refuses to acknowledge that she can because she’s learned that if she whines hard enough about things, others will fix her problems for her.”
“She’s been raised with no concept of personal ownership over the consequences of her actions, and OP is just reinforcing that again and again. Getting mom to raid your sister’s college fund requires a lot less time and effort than applying for aid for yourself, and the older sister sees nothing wrong with this as she’s obviously become incredibly self-centered and entitled as a result of all this favoritism.”
“Helping family is great, but the way to actually do that is to help them take ownership of their problems rather than just fixing it for them. The fact that OP didn’t realize that they’re the problem while typing this out doesn’t give me high hopes that the enablement won’t continue.”
“While it’s a terribly expensive and unfair lesson, it’s better than the OP’s younger daughter learned this about her family NOW, so she can graduate from high school and then leave them behind before they find a way to use her again.” – FUBARded
“She sacrificed her daughter’s future. The daughter who has made poor choices has an opportunity to move and improve her lot in life is bleeding your other daughter dry. This is just a band-aid and they will be in the same position in a few more months, maybe a little over a year.”
“Why does OP think it’s a good idea for her four grandchildren to live in a one-bedroom apartment with four adults?”
“Where is the logic in making the daughter who is making good choices suffer? One daughter already ruined her life and now OP is potentially ruining her other daughter’s life by making poor choices. It doesn’t sound like the older daughter can afford to live in their current town.”
“OP’s number one priority should be helping her minor child succeed in life. The older daughter has already made awful choices that will effect her and her children for a long time. OP is the AH.” – PrincessAnnesFeathers
Others said that her teen daughter would likely go no contact with her as soon as possible.
“You’re going to ruin your relationship with your younger daughter to save your older daughter who is making some of the worst life decisions ever.”
“Leave her money alone! Let her have a chance to make something out of her life. YTA.” – cthulularoo
“You are a massive a**hole. Not only do you have a loser daughter who can’t seem to figure out how birth control works, but you also took money from your younger daughter who is actually trying to better herself and get away from the sucky family life you’ve subjected her to.”
“If she’s smart, she’ll go 100 percent no contact with you, and you’ll forever after be dead to her. YTA and you know it. You suck.” – JanetInSpain
“On the plus side, the younger daughter will save massively in future, because having cut off her mother and older sister, hanger-on boyfriend, and their future 16 kids, she’ll be able to spend her money on her own family.”
“OP: I bet your daughter was right, and you’ll remember that moment as the moment you discarded her and told her she wasn’t worth your time or money.” – randomdude2029
“I hope the younger daughter thrives despite the odds. I hope that she’s so successful that when the rest of her deadbeat family comes begging for money, she says ‘no.’ They’ll come with so many sob stories and promises to pay her back.”
“‘Destiny’s pregnant with her second baby from her newest boyfriend!’ ‘No.'”
“‘My truck needs to get fixed. I can’t even get to my favorite hunting spot now!’ ‘No.'”
“‘I didn’t pay my taxes and now the IRS is making all these threats!’ ‘No.'”
“‘Mackynzie is getting divorced again. She needs help!’ ‘No.'”
“‘Well, Brandon was arrested for drugs and needs a lawyer!’ ‘No.'” – Wise-Celebration9892
“Her good daughter is going to go NC\LC (no contact or low contact) with her.”
“Her other daughter that she is favoring appears to be a trainwreck coupled to a trainwreck. When bad mom runs out of children’s future to steal and needs money to survive, do you think the loser daughter is going to be able to help her?”
“Nope, she is going to start whining to the good daughter about blood and family and obligation. I hope the good daughter says, ‘Remember that moment I told you to remember?’ and then hangs up.” – AdAccomplished6870
“OP, you wrote, ‘She got very cold and said, ‘You always brag about having a good memory. I hope you remember this moment then.'”
“This is your youngest telling you that if you or your firstborn need any help in the future, expect to look elsewhere.”
“People who have four children don’t have the luxury of dipping out of employment when they feel like it, especially during the holiday season. You are penalizing the highly functioning minor daughter for other adult’s selfish and foolish choices.”
“She sounds MORE than smart enough to not let you do that to her twice. YTA.” – Top_Put1541
The subReddit was appalled by the choices the OP had made, even if she wanted to be a good grandmother and make sure that her grandchildren had a safe place to live while their parents were financially struggling.
It seemed the OP’s eldest daughter and daughter’s boyfriend had turned making questionable decisions into a lifestyle, and their choices shouldn’t come at the expense of another human being, especially when it sets that other person up for failure, and even more especially when it’s a family member.