Content Warning: Miscarriage, Grief
Too many of us who have participated in the dating scene have experienced what it feels like to have an unfaithful partner.
It arguably must be even worse for someone in a marriage or with children, because they might not be able to totally separate from that partner right away, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Large-Efficiency-825 had always had a bad feeling about her husband’s ‘work wife,’ but when it later came out that he was cheating while she was pregnant, there was a swift end to their marriage.
But when her ex-husband expected her to be friends with his mistress as a part of their co-parenting experience, the Original Poster (OP) completely balked at their entitlement.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH because I told my ex-husband that outside of our kids, I don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancée anything?”
The OP was grossed out by her ex-husband’s and mistress’s relationship.
“My (36 Female) ex-husband Tom (35 Male) left me for his ‘work wife,’ Tammy (25 Female) two years ago. I had four daughters with him, ages 13, 12, 7, and 2.”
“I never liked Tammy even before I found out about their relationship. The first time I met her at a work event, she told me (while I was heavily pregnant with my youngest) that I ‘better up your wife game or I might steal him off you.'”
“Well, three months later, she did. This woman literally came into my house with him to help pack the day he moved out and tried to have a one-on-one conversation on how she wanted our relationship going forward to go because she was gonna be in my (and my kids’) life.”
“Then she said as a joke, ‘I told you I’d steal him away.'”
“Not gonna lie, I’m thankful she did because then my ex made a comment about her being 23 and her brain not being fully developed, and I got the ick so bad from that, it turned my heartbreak into relief.”
The OP did her best to keep her distance from their relationship.
“I got everything in the divorce because I got him in his affair fog and gave 50/50 custody for our kids’ sake.”
“I’m civil for the sake of my kids so we can both attend events without drama, but other than that, I couldn’t honestly care less about them.”
“Around June, Tammy came instead of Tom for pick-up and practically skipped towards me to show off her engagement ring, saying she wanted me as a bridesmaid along with my daughters for something I didn’t catch because I was in a rush to get our cat to the vet.”
“She got upset because I just said, ‘Hmmm,’ throughout her whole conversation per Tom’s texts to me a few hours later.”
“The same happened again in September when she told me she was pregnant, for which again my zero f**ks given upset her.”
“In December when she told me the second I opened the car door, ‘Tom’s finally getting a son,’ to which I sarcastically replied, ‘I’m sure Lord Tom’s excited for an heir to take over his lands and titles,’ which caused drama too because Tom’s family found it hilarious when Tammy was bad mouthing me.”
The OP’s latest attempt to keep her distance led to a major backlash.
“December was the last time I saw her until today at the drop-off with Tom. As they approached me, I noticed Tammy didn’t look pregnant anymore.”
“Tammy tearfully said, ‘We lost the baby.'”
“I didn’t answer. I just told Tom our second daughter had a birthday party to go to the next day at 3:00 PM, and the oldest had Gymnastics at 5:00 AM.”
“Tammy literally screamed at me that I was a heartless b***h and just bitter. Then she grabbed the girls’ bags and walked away.”
“Tom said I could show a little humanity towards Tammy and that regardless of my feelings, she was my kids’ stepmother.”
“I told Tom I don’t care about what he is going through because outside of our kids, I don’t care about them, and I don’t owe Tammy anything, especially pity.”
“He called me an a**hole (along with other things) and left.”
“Usually this wouldn’t bother me, but my ex-in-laws whom I have a good relationship with have told me I should have shown Tammy some empathy and, at the very least, pretended to care for the sake of the kids.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The subReddit resoundingly said NTA and pointed out that empathy goes both ways.
“You are NTA. She has been an absolute AH towards you since day one, always flaunting the relationship with your red flag of an ex, always making out like she’s better than you, always showing off about everything.”
“You don’t owe those f**kers anything, least of all sympathy. And why would you have sympathy for people you don’t give two f**ks about?”
“You did nothing wrong; your ex and his 25-year-old brat (oops, I mean fiancée) are the only a**holes here.” – ThornedRoseWrites
“NTA. She’s never once pretended to care about you for the sake of the children, so why are you expected to? The fact that you didn’t respond to her by saying, ‘I guess you aren’t finally giving Tom that son after all,’ is more generosity towards her than she has ever shown to you.” – Here_4_cute_dog_pics
“It’s as if she thinks there’s no repercussions for the crap she pulled? She cheats with your ex but now you’re supposed to be besties? All’s fair in love and war, yada yada…”
“What. A. Dumb. A**.”
“The answer is you DON’T have a relationship with her. You have a relationship with your husband through your children. That’s it.”
“With emotional maturity and intellect like that, Tommy is going to be cheating on Tammy in no time.”
“NTA.” – Salt-Lavishness-7560
“NTA. Next time someone asks you to show more empathy for her, ask how much empathy she showed you when she openly pursued your husband while you were pregnant. The best way to shut this down is to bring up the elephant in the room and let that divert the attention.”
“I also think it’s time you openly addressed this with your ex and tell him she seems to have an unrealistic expectation of your involvement in their lives considering how their relationship started and suggest that she not be involved in the handover of the children until she has a better understanding of the situation.”
“Otherwise, continue doing what you’re doing. Tammy seems incredibly immature and keeping her and her drama at arm’s length seems the best policy.” – Pleasant-koalas-147
“She wanted you to be a BRIDESMAID? She wanted you to be a bridesmaid. She is outside of her mind. She is on the outside of it. She’s not in her brain at all. That is the emptiest skull of all time.”
“I don’t know if she’s just willfully oblivious to what exactly happened or if she’s doing it on purpose. But she stole someone’s husband. She has no leg to stand on. She has no right to ask anything, even a kind word from you.”
“NTA. She and your ex are huge douchebags.” – penandpage93
“She deserves the same consideration she showed you when she deliberately stomped in and wrecked your marriage and gleefully tried to provoke you. Zero f**ks given is the way to go about it, even if she did have a miscarriage. You’re showing her the same humanity she showed you.”
“You can be civil to Tom for the sake of your kids, but you owe him and Little Miss Homewrecker nothing more.”
“NTA.” – DaniCapsFan
“‘Karma is my boyfriend’ as Taylor Swift said. It is so interesting how he literally risked his wife getting a miscarriage and complications because he was cheating (cheaters are NEVER good fathers; they risk the health of the family and stability by bringing in a w**re around other kids), and then karma gave them a pregnancy loss.”
“Thank god she will not become a mother with that half of a brain and terrible morals and no integrity. She is probably only nice around kids for show and is actually 99 percent, I bet Cinderella’s stepmother behind closed doors”
“She asked her to be a bridesmaid, because A) this demon has no friends, B) she wants a free babysitter for kids at the wedding, C) she wants to be able to say, ‘Oh, it’s so good, even his ex-wife was at wedding,’ etc. The manipulation here is scary.”
“Their whole relationship is fake and will crumble because it was built on the fantasy of the ‘exciting mystery’ and now the real problems come (pregnancy loss), he will start to resent her and see he lost a good woman and stable home for someone who gave him attention and has a half a brain (she literally admitted to OP she was the mistress).”
“She got a shut-up ring probably, and the fact she came onto OP at the work party first shows me she was dying to be found out and her piece of s**t husband probably wanted her as a secret.”
“A promoted side peace is still a side peace. When a mistress becomes a wife she creates vacancy and will lose him how she got him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is already thinking of a newer model being shipped lmao. If I were OP I would say, ‘Will you be a bridesmaid at his next wedding?’ and just sit back with the cars and sip tea.” – belledovee
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a scary update.
“So I texted Tom today that due to Tammy’s mental state, I would prefer if he or his mom would do all the picks-ups from now on, and if Tammy’s mental health gets any worse, I want the girls full-time for a couple of weeks until it’s a healthier environment for the kids.”
“Tom tried to call me, but I texted him I prefer texts.”
“He said he wanted to have a heart-to-heart…”
“Yeah, not gonna happen… I asked if it involved the girls, and he said yes but that it also was about all of us going forward and the relationship he wished for us to have. Basically, he wanted family therapy with himself, me, Tammy, and the kids.”
“I said If he thinks the kids needed to see a therapist, I would be happy to find one we both could agree on, but again, he just kept bringing it back to us, so after a few hours, knowing it was going nowhere, I just left him on-read.”
The OP also got in touch with her ex-in-laws to make sure everyone was on the same page.
“I called my ex-in-laws and told them the situation and how I didn’t want to be involved with anything Tammy and Tom related unless my kids are involved.”
“I reminded them that I’ve expressed multiple times that I don’t care and I don’t want anything more than a civil co-parenting relationship.”
“I told them even though I value my friendship with the family (my ex-in-laws especially), I would go low contact with them if my boundaries get crossed again.”
“My MIL (Mother-in-Law) apologized, saying she was very emotional because, at the end of the day, Tom was her son, and he was heartbroken; plus, the baby was her grandchild, which I completely understand, and I forgive her for that.”
But then Tammy crossed a major boundary.
Content Warning: Potential Stalking, Mental Health
“But then things got really weird when Tammy showed up at my house. I’ve watched enough true crime shows to know not to open the door, and I talked/recorded her with the doorbell camera.”
“She was crying, saying she was sorry and she just wanted to be my friend.”
“Then she said I needed to forgive her because she lost her baby as Karma for what she did to me (she was saying other stuff, but I couldn’t understand her through the crying.”
“I just kept telling Tammy to leave my property because I didn’t want to hear it, but she just kept talking and crying. I don’t know why I was brought into this because I was looking forward to my chill weekend.”
“I rang the police and then my brother and Tom. She didn’t get arrested or anything, but Tom talked to my brother and said he was taking her home and agreed it would be best if I have my kids full-time for now.”
“My girls are at home safe, and my brother will be staying with me for the foreseeable future.”
“I’ll be seeing a lawyer first thing on Monday about full custody and a restraining order because I’ve a sinking feeling it’s gonna get worse.”
The OP then had an even more unfortunate update to share. Things definitely got worse.
Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Mentions of Miscarriage
“I spoke to a lawyer today. I’m obviously not going to go into details, but with all the evidence and witnesses on my side, I have a good shot at getting full custody. But it’s only day one and nothing has started yet.”
“Long story short, Tom sexually assaulted me. It didn’t go TOO far, thanks to my brother, but it left me very shaken.”
“I agreed to let Tom come over to visit the kids whenever he wanted after he agreed for me to take them full-time for now, so when he came over yesterday evening and went into the garden with the kids, I went for a shower.”
“But he didn’t stay in the garden. Coming out of the bathroom, he cornered me about wanting to talk.”
“I told him it wasn’t the time and told him to either go back out to the girls or to leave.”
“He started saying he made a mistake, that Tammy was a nut job, and that he wanted to come home to us.”
“I told him to get the f**k out of my house and that there was no ‘us’ left.”
“He said something really creepy about how I never lost any of our kids in our relationship, and Tammy lost the only one… And then he started saying other stuff that I physically can’t type out without breaking down, and then he tried to force a make-out session with me, to put it politely. Thankfully, my brother heard and came running.”
“Unfortunately, the kids heard everything when my brother and Tom started fighting. I was in complete shock at the time to try to do anything to help the situation. Even when Tom was being taken away, I was too scared to move and couldn’t confront my crying children… It was not my proudest moment.”
“A while back, I adopted older cats, so I had put cameras throughout the common areas in my home to watch them while I was at work. One of those areas is the hall between my room and the bathroom, so what happened was all caught on camera.”
“I don’t know what to do with Tom going forward, but I know I can’t face him ever again, even with supervision from my father or brother who both work in law enforcement.”
“Tammy sent hundreds of messages to me and my oldest two, and I can’t block her by my lawyer’s request.”
“My ex-in-laws have reached out and told me they’ll help me in whatever way I need. His sisters have disowned him, but this is still all very new so that they might change their minds.”
“I plan on moving after everything gets sorted, so I won’t ever cross Tammy’s path again, let alone Tom’s.”
“Thank you all for your love and support. Hopefully, I can give you all a positive update in the future after all the legal proceedings are done.”
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP had been treated by her ex-husband and mistress, especially while she was trying to maintain a healthy and reasonable co-parenting arrangement with them.
But the OP’s two updates took the situation far, far over the edge. Hopefully, the OP would get all of the good news she needed to create physical distance between herself and her ex-husband and new partner and to provide a secure life for her children that this arrangement was sorely lacking.
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, help is out there.
You can reach the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling 1-800-656-4673, use their Live Chat tool: https://www.rainn.org/get-help, or visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.
In Canada, help is available through the Ending Violence Association of Canada website.
International resources can be found through the Rape Crisis Network Europe website.