With the economy being in the state that it currently is, individuals and families have had to make some tough financial and work-related decisions, and when kids are involved, the decisions can be that much harder.
But one thing is very clear, and that is that every adult involved in the decision has to agree to it before moving forward, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EfficientGazelle4739 cared about his girlfriend and her twin sons very much, to the point that they were discussing moving in together.
But when his girlfriend demanded that he cover all of their expenses so that she could become a stay-at-home mother, the Original Poster (OP) began to have doubts about their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not allowing my girlfriend to be a SAHM to HER kids?”
The OP recently started talking to his girlfriend about moving in together.
“I (28 Male) have been dating this girl, Amy (29 Female), since May 2022.”
“We met through a mutual friend and things were going pretty well up until a few days ago.”
“Amy has two kids from a previous relationship, twin boys who are seven years old now. I get along great with them.”
“Amy and I were starting to discuss moving in together and how that would all work out with the kids.”
But Amy surprised him with her vision of their life together.
“Things didn’t seem like a problem until she asked if we could find a place that I could afford to pay rent on my own in case she became a stay-at-home mom (SAHM).”
“I asked in what instance she would become a SAHM. We weren’t planning on having more kids, and I got a vasectomy two years ago.”
“She said it had always been her dream to be a SAHM for her kids, and she said the boys would benefit a lot from always having her home.”
“She assured me that she knew it would be a lot for me to take on, but she would appreciate it if we could talk about it and possibly make it happen as soon as we move in together.”
The couple had a constructive conversation about the stay-at-home idea.
“We discussed it, and I told her I was honestly not comfortable with the idea of me being the sole breadwinner for our four-person household.”
“I could afford rent on my own but groceries, bills, stuff the kids will need, etc, I can’t afford all that, and even if I could make it work, that would leave nothing for savings.”
“I also said the boys are in school most of the day, and although I agree that any child will greatly benefit from having a parent available 24/7, I don’t think it’s a necessity.”
“I also told her I’d be stressed out having them all rely on me.”
“She said she understood and that it was fine. We didn’t speak about it again.”
But the conversation didn’t end there.
“I got a call from her mom about a week after I had that discussion with Amy.”
“Her mom started the conversation sweet enough before getting to the point. She asked why I decided to date a single mother if I was not willing to step up for her and her kids.”
“To be honest, this kind of p**sed me off. I didn’t know deciding to date a single mom meant I’d have to happily be financially responsible for them all without any help from the mother.”
“I told her with all due respect, this was between me and Amy.”
“She said Amy won’t have more kids because she’s with me and this is her only chance of being completely devoted to her kids, and although I could ‘easily’ afford it, I was being stingy because I simply couldn’t be bothered to make a sacrifice.”
“My blood was boiling and I was trying not to say something rude back. I told her it wasn’t her business and cut the call.”
The OP’s next call with Amy set off warning bells in his head.
“I spoke to Amy and asked her what the h**l her mom was on about.”
“She said she needed someone to vent to about the situation and her mum just had her best interest at heart. She said she thought it would be better for me to get her mum’s perspective before making a decision about her SAHM status.”
“I asked if it would be okay for me to go tell my mom that my girlfriend is asking me to bankroll her and her children’s lives and watch my mom call her names for it.”
“She said I’m taking things too personally and I should’ve expected things to not go great after our previous discussion.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“I’m at a loss here.”
“Obviously, I knew I’d be somewhat financially responsible, I just don’t want 100 percent of the burden to be on me.”
“She has a job right now, and I thought we’d pay things equitably based on our salaries. I make more, so I’m not even asking her to split things 50-50, but I just don’t want the entire burden to be on me. I’ll have no savings if that happens.”
“I want a partnership. What she is proposing doesn’t sound like a partnership to me. It sounds like I’ll have three dependents. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks I’m only useful for money.”
The OP also later clarified the biological father’s role in the situation.
“For everyone asking about the children’s dad and if he pays child support, he isn’t a bad person, he’s just broke and lives halfway across the world.”
“He couldn’t pay child support if he wanted to, given he can barely take care of himself financially. He also has a lot of health issues that make it difficult for him to work.”
“He calls the kids quite a lot and is as involved as one can be in his situation.”
“She makes enough to take care of herself and her kids so it’s been alright for them financially.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that Amy didn’t want to work and was using the SAHM role as a cover story.
“NTA, but you do realize she plans to make this happen whether you agree or not, right? You’ll move in together and she’ll get ‘let go’ and then have ‘trouble’ finding a job.” – MistressFuzzyLegs
“NTA. If you move in together or get married, she will one day come home and announce that she’s quit her job. Personally, I would question if she even loves you. I think she’s just trying to find someone to let her fulfill her ‘dream.'”
“You’ll find out if you tell her that you’ve reconsidered moving in together and think that it would be best to wait until the boys are done with schooling and out on their own. If it was me, I would get out of this relationship.” – Janetaz18
“I don’t want to be a downer, but I think you’re just solving a problem for her. She’s tired of the hustle and wants a break. I get it. But she doesn’t care about what you want. I’m sorry, OP.” – ChaiKitteaLatte
“OP, please understand that this isn’t over. That phone call, where she ended it, was her warning you of what comes next.”
“She won’t bring it up again now she knows your view. But if you move in together, she’ll just quit her job and refuse to work. Then you’ll be the bad guy for making a single mum and two kids homeless!”
“NTA. Dump the gold digger.” – Rosalie-83
“OP, your’re lucky this woman isn’t smarter or more devious than she is, or she would have waited to move in first and then conveniently lost her job before dropping this genius ‘dream’ on you.”
“Cut your loses and run to the hills; the amount of red flags shown here are off the charts!” – HelicopterMean1070
Others agreed and urged the OP not to move in with her right now, if ever.
“She already ‘decided’ not to work, and she believes that she has a meal ticket and right now she is just in the process of making it happen one way or the other.”
“Also, the last sentence of your phone conversation? ‘You should have expected that things would not to go great (when you p**s me off)’? Da**n, THAT statement alone would give me serious pause about continuing a relationship with someone. It has strong ‘Why do you make me hit you?’ vibes.”
“NTA. Delta out of there mate, this will not end well, for you at least.” – gordito-delgato
“Whose dream is it? Hers or her Mom’s? This unrealistic thinking is probably why she isn’t married to her baby daddy.”
“She’ll need to work regardless. You can both work different shifts to cover child care. Someone will be home at all times. Or she can work from home to be there when they are out of school during the week, make their meals, and be available for emergencies.”
“But at that age, they can be somewhat independent.”
“Put everything on hold until you’ve worked out a budget and done some extensive financial planning together so she can see how unreasonable that expectation is. It is a common enough life script to be taught that the dream is to stay home, but trying it in this economy is very unrealistic.”
“She shot her shot with the baby daddy, and it didn’t work out for her. She has to move on.”
“Alternatively, your future MIL (Mother-in-Law) can work or subsidize the budget to make it happen if it means that much to her.” – MOTIVATE-ME-23
“The fact that OP reasonably laid out his concerns about this and told her this is not what he signed up for, and for the girlfriend to say she was fine, only to bring it up to her mother later is such a blindside.”
“If she felt that strongly about it, then she should reconsider the relationship instead of having her mommy guilt her boyfriend into something he does not want to do.” – 0neirocritica
“Not only can he not trust to provide for her own kids, but he can’t trust her to keep their relationship to the two of them. It’s one thing to vent to a trusted family member or friend when you are in a tough situation. It’s another to sic their family or friends on you.”
“Remember, she didn’t say, ‘OMG, I can’t believe my mom would butt in! I talked to her to vent and get some perspective but she crossed a line!’ Nope, she said, ‘What did you expect (when you didn’t do what I want)?’ That’s all you need to know.”
“Ask yourself if that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in. I’m doubtful.” – JustKindaHappenedxx
“I was a single mom to a three-year-old when I met my now-husband. I would have never in 1,000 years asked this of him, even if he could have easily afforded it. Not for a kid that wasn’t biologically his.”
“It’d be one thing if you had offered this to her and you were both totally on board. But for her to ask? That’s pretty f**king bold. I feel like that would only have been appropriate if she was pregnant and going to have YOUR baby. Then there is a need for that kind of conversation, and even then if you can’t swing it, you just can’t swing it.”
“And on top of the not getting her way means things not going great for you bulls**t, the fact that her mom got herself involved and thought that calling you up to presumably brow beat you into submitting was a correct course of action is just as disturbing.”
“Is this how women in that family handle things? Like, have you seen how her mom and dad interact with each other? Because that’s a good idea of what she’s going to be like with you in a long-term relationship.”
“Stand your ground. Do not move in together any time soon. There’s no real need to rush things and enough red flags have been raised here that I’d be thinking things over very carefully before doing any such thing.” – murdertoothbrush
The subReddit could not have been more clear: the OP was looking for a partnership, and all he was getting from this situation was an ATM status. Since they weren’t moved in together or engaged yet, it was best for the OP to reevaluate what he wanted now, rather than stepping into an arrangement he almost undoubtedly would regret.