Content Warning: Financial Abuse, Money Matters
There are a lot of things that can get in the way of and even ruin a good relationship, but few things will damage a relationship quite like money issues.
When a person suddenly comes into unexpected money, like a large family inheritance, they might reveal who they really are, and it’s not always a good look, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwawaywinherit was shocked when his wife received a large inheritance from her father, only to turn around and immediately point out to him that he would not receive a cent of her money.
But when his wife put all of the burden on him to pay the bills, despite the inheritance money she had access to, the Original Poster (OP) began to question what was happening to their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for threatening to quit my job because my wife just randomly quit hers?”
The OP’s wife recently received a large family inheritance from her father.
“My (35 Male) wife (33 Female) inherited a large chunk of her late father’s sizable estate.”
“She made it very clear that the money she inherited was supposed to go to her dad’s bloodline, also known as her and our children (13 Female and 9 Male), and that I’m not entitled to a cent of it.”
“We live in North Dakota and I make 52,000 dollars a year doing a property management job I hate. It gets old driving around dealing with tenants who take their frustration out on me because my boss decided to cut corners.”
“My wife worked as an accounts payable clerk making 32,000 dollars per year. She hated her job, too, because there was no growth and it was boring.”
“But she held the job to show her dad she was responsible.”
With her father’s death, the OP’s wife found herself entrusted to two major income streams.
“Her dad died and now she inherited a five-bedroom mortgage-free house in another state. It’s in one of the most high cost of living areas near a private college where nearly all the students come from East Coast private schools.”
“She rented out the house by bedroom to students and gets 6,000 dollars per month when it’s all said and done.”
“The rest of her inheritance is locked in a trust that pays out 15,000 dollars per month. Living in North Dakota, the approximately 252,000 dollars per year she gets is more than enough to live well.”
The OP found his wife’s money management decisions to be questionable at best.
“However, I feel my wife has been unfair with how she’s handled the money. Right away, she rented herself a BMW.”
“And then she decided she was done cooking and would order out every day. The problem is I have high cholesterol and a lot of the foods aren’t good for me, and the foods that are good for me, she never leaves enough real leftovers.”
“I can stomach the fact that her inheritance is hers, but it does hurt that I’ve never resisted picking up the financial burden when I earned more but she hoards all her new money.”
“She put her inheritance disbursements and rent income all into accounts under her name, and meanwhile, our day job incomes kept going into joint bank accounts.”
But then his wife took her new lifestyle a step too far.
“That would make sense but then she quit her job out of the blue last week.”
“She said she looked at her boss (50 Female) and that she was not cut out to work until she was old like her. She wants to pursue her passion of photography but doesn’t want to earn money from it.”
“So she quit. But the problem is that she quit because she gets 250,000 dollars basically effort-free.”
“I don’t benefit from that but still have to pay for the mortgage and other household expenses since she refuses to pay for them, citing them as joint expenses.”
This led to a major argument.
“We got in a fight, and I threatened to quit my job, too, if we were all quitting jobs now because work is hard.”
“Her rationalization was that she buys takeout every day for us now, so my job was enough to pay for our mortgage.”
“I asked if she wants to upgrade houses like she upgrades cars, I’m guessing the new house won’t be in my name. So will I have to pay the maintenance and contribute to mortgage payments?”
“She said I should have to because it would be living expenses that I would benefit just as much as her.”
“It’s not so much about me wanting to upgrade my lifestyle but the fact that she’s saying that her contribution to the mortgage and other household expenses (besides the takeout) is now zero since she has no job.”
“I will have to carry 100 percent of that burden while she enjoys her inheritance.”
“She also said that I should keep my job because if I get sick, I’ll need it to pay medical bills since she refuses to use her inheritance for that, either.”
“AITA for being annoyed at her selfishness?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some encouraged the OP to immediately remove his wife’s access to his income.
“Do not quit your job out of spite. That would be dumb. You should immediately create your own account and have all your checks deposited in that account… no more joint account at all!”
“Then decide if you still want to be with her or not. If you do stay, then split all bills as evenly as you can. But don’t be surprised when she decides she wants to run off with her new money.” – CandyandCrypto
“My husband and I don’t split expenses because we’re married and actually act like it. I will never understand people who get married, yet act like housemates! In my opinion, it shows a total lack of commitment and complete and utter selfishness!”
“If you can’t be all in with the person you marry, then you probably shouldn’t marry them.”
“Also, OP’s wife might want to educate herself on commingling the inheritance, because if she uses it towards an upgrade to the family home, cars, etc., it will become a marital asset…”
“As well as the definition of domestic violence, because she is skirting very close to financial abuse.” – Intrepidfascination
“Don’t give her access to your money. If you have joint expenses and she has made it clear her money is hers, then your money is yours and you both can contribute to shared expenses however you two see fit to split them.”
“Because you threatened to quit out of spite, that’s kind of a d**k move, but that’s a symptom of the larger problem. You’re NTA overall, so definitely protect yourself!” – blssdnhighlyfavored
“So, she wants the ‘joint’ expenses to be fully paid from the ‘joint’ account, which you are paying into, while the 6000 in rent payments goes to her private account?”
“Sounds to me like that should count as joint income, while the trust fund’s monthly payment remains inheritance territory.”
“So, probably NTA, because I think you are getting the short end of the stick here.”
“Redditors are overly quick to recommend divorce, especially without full information, but this really is a case where if what OP states is true, he should be talking to a lawyer as soon as possible.”
“Stop depositing into shared accounts. Figure out what your rights are right away.”
“This lady is not on your side.” – brafish
“NTA. Does your wife expect you to pay the full mortgage because that is joint property, and she doesn’t feel she needs to put her money into joint property? Did I read that right?”
“Inheritance is separate property, and yes, legally, you don’t have a right to that. If she is going to be that stingy, I would start putting all my money in a separate account so that you can control how your salary is spent.”
“And if she’s that transactional with her spouse, maybe I’d just look into getting a divorce so that she can Scrooge McDuck all on her own.” – Quelala
Others agreed and encouraged divorce or, at the very least, a backup plan.
“I’m a wife and mom with a substantial existing trust as well as future inheritance. She is not behaving the way anybody would if they were happily married, in my opinion. I truly cannot imagine ever parading wealth around in front of my husband but not ever letting him enjoy it or benefit from it or factor it into our future JOINT plans such as retiring.”
“I don’t get a good feeling about how this will end for you, OP. Take care of yourself and start thinking of a backup plan.” – sbiggers
“The rental income is just that: income. She is a landlord. That is her job. She has to claim that income, so he should be entitled to it in a divorce. At least that’s what I’m thinking.” – ProfessionalEgg8842
“Dude, your wife is supposed to be your partner. If I were in her shoes, I would have both me and my wife quit our jobs and pursue our passions. 250,000 per year is more than enough to live comfortably for a couple.”
“Your wife is unbelievably selfish and this should all be a gigantic red flag for you.”
“In the future, when you’re older, if you should have some medical issue like cancer, do you trust her to care for you and stay by your side? Get out while you’re still young. I would absolutely 100% divorce her over this, she’s not acting like married material in the slightest.” – Karma_1969
“My wife is the dominant income earner in our house, and while I don’t look forward to upcoming inheritance in that I’d rather have the family members I loved, I still greatly look forward to sharing every bit of it as ours (as I’m sure my family would have wanted).”
“Granted, if we were talking really serious money, I could understand there being some familial firewalls. Like one that you’d expect is OP’s wife’s trust. Another is the idea that OP’s wife would be more interested in investing sums for the future (like the investment house) for their kids, etc.”
“But the whole ‘You pay the bills and I’ll live on easy street’ is complete bulls**t. I also feel like it’s bulls**t to drive around in a sweet car while my spouse drives a bucket (unless OP did the same to her when he was the dominant source of income, which it doesn’t sound like).”
“OP, NTA.”
“But I’d advise you use caution, like many others here have suggested. You may want to start preparing for s**tty outcomes.” – HumanContinuity
“Forget about what’s fair and quid pro quo; this isn’t how you treat people you love. End of story. No more discussions, it’s that simple. End it now and don’t waste another breath because you deserve better, now d**mit, start acting like it.” – greeneyedbarbie3
“I am in your wife’s position and have an income from inherited money each month in excess of your wife’s. I pay for our entire life including our cars, mortgage, food, vacation, etc.”
“I choose not to work, but my husband conversely chooses to work in education. From his job, we get wonderful health insurance. I am incredibly grateful for his contribution.”
“If he were to choose to retire, I would be fine with this. We are a partnership, and I would never treat him this way. Please prioritize yourself and your children. You are worth so much more than this.” – Current-Cobbler5666
The subReddit hoped that the OP either had a solid backup plan or that he was planning to end things quickly, based on how his wife was treating him shortly after receiving this inheritance.
It was clear that his wife did not see their marriage as a partnership but rather a transactional agreement, and it was also clear that she did not see him as family with her emphasis on bloodlines.
It, unfortunately, seemed like it would be better for the OP to start fresh while he was still young and keep as strong of a relationship with his kids as he could, who were hopefully not so driven by monetary assets.