Deciding to let someone move into your home temporarily is something that needs to be carefully considered and planned to avoid future conflicts.
A set timeline is ideal.
It can motivate people to meet their goals, knowing there’s a move-out date pending.
A 50-year-old father of four is struggling with a houseguest of three years who has exceeded his patience.
So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Hatetank49 asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter’s boyfriend (BF) he has 30 days to move out of my house?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (female, 21) and her BF (male, 24) have been living in my house, rent and utility free, since 2021. They literally have zero living expenses—they are completely off the hook for living expenses.”
“He also works for me—gets 40 hours a week—and I give him rides to and from work. He is a huge gamer, so all of his internet is paid for.”
“He bought a car—that doesn’t run—as a project—which he took a loan out for $9K. He has a $12K computer rig.”
“What set me off was he argues about everything.”
“I have a work project that my team is responsible for. I asked for volunteers. The lead came up one short, so he asked my daughter’s BF.”
“He, of course , said no, he didn’t need the overtime. I about lost it on the floor. I held it together, but at the end of the night, I just left him at work.”
“I was standing next to the lead when he asked him. He told the lead no f*cking way he was coming in on Friday, he was going to be working on his car.”
“Spoiler—he did not work on his car. Part of my anger was how he responded, which is disrespectful as hell, and I would say it is typical when he gets work assigned to him.”
“It gets tiring. Really, really tiring.”
“We had a project, and we started with volunteers. If we did not get enough, then someone was going to be told he had to come in. It hit me when he said he didn’t need the money…”
“The leads where I work are beasts. If something needs done, or someone needs help, they jump in, including when daughter’s BF asks for help. That is the frustrating part, it all seems to be one way.”
“I decided I was done. His favorite phrase is ‘not my problem’… so I childishly adopted that for anything to do with him. When I got home, I told my daughter he has 30 days to move out.”
“She can go with him or stay; there is no ill will for her either way, and she will always be welcome in my home. But in 3 years of freeloading, I estimate they should have AT LEAST $30k saved up.”
“I know how much he makes and how much she makes. I thought I was taking care of them, giving them some time to build up savings.”
“I may be the a**hole because I’m kicking him out with such short notice and he has no savings, but I’m going with ‘not my problem’.”
“My guess is he either will find another job that pays more, or he will start taking the OT because he will have bills to pay.”
“Or not. I do not care either way.”
“We have had plenty of conversations about finances. I spend more time with him one-on-one than anyone in my household. We have 90 minutes a day together, four days a week, for years now, in a car.”
“Only put in the employer match in your 401k until you are out of debt. He said he was saving for a car and an apartment. I had no reason to doubt him. Even with the rig and the non-working project car, he should have had some money saved up.”
“He wanted to go to school for programming or web design. Great idea, but he took out a loan, started the course, and hasn’t stuck with it. So that’s another loan he has to pay off.”
“He wanted to get a job near the house that paid $8 more an hour, I thought that was a great idea, and it would get him some independence. He either didn’t get hired or truly didn’t like the hours they were offering like he told me.”
“He wanted to move closer to his parents—a few states away. I advised against that due to his upbringing, which he said was really abusive, and not wanting my daughter or any kids they may have around that.”
“I don’t care where else they move in the country, but that’s the only thing I offered my opinion on.”
“When he said no to the OT—that he didn’t need the money—that’s when it sunk in. Either he had the savings and was ready to move out, or he was never planning on leaving.”
“I thought, why the hell am I coming in on my day off so he could sit home and play video games? So that was it, a switch was flipped.”
“I can’t care anymore.”
“And the next day, he tracked me down—because I didn’t wake him up and give him a ride in—and he asked for more time to find a place and let me know that they hadn’t in fact been saving and he was not able—or willing?—to tell me where his savings had gone.”
“I—my business—asked for help, and he said ‘no, not my problem’, which led me to question why exactly I was continuing to help him at all. Why can I not just decide that he is not my problem?”
“Why exactly am I obligated to take care of him? At what point does that obligation end? I gave him a place to stay, and I am now obligated in perpetuity. At what point will he ever leave?”
“It’s time for him to go. I’m done dealing with him. He will make close to $50k this year working 4 days a week. I need 3 hours on 3 Fridays for which he would be compensated at time and a half.”
“My other option is to tack on an extra hour at the end of each shift for everybody. The work has to get done. He is always free to find another job, but he knows he has it good here.”
“As stated previously, I have 90 minutes of FaceTime with the guy every day during the commute. We talk daily. He knows exactly what I expect from him at work.”
“He wanted to be a lead. He didn’t get the job. I didn’t even consider him. I told him why and what he had to do.”
“I talked to other departments about taking him on, which two were willing to do because he does good work. He did not want one of the jobs because it was five days a week.”
“He didn’t want the other because it was ‘a dead end job’. It paid 10k more than what he does now and was more mechanical, no lifting.”
“Getting ahead in our work world is getting off the floor, away from the heavy lifting. Without an education, you get it by outworking the guys next to you.”
“What he does now is grunt work. He’s not the biggest guy, so at some point, his body will fail. Either his back or his shoulder.”
“He wants more. He just doesn’t want to have to work to get it.”
“His other options in the area are in manufacturing. That is 6 to 7 days a week. That will kill his gaming schedule.”
“Outside of work, he said he was saving money. He wanted a car before he moved out, and he wanted to be debt free. He has 20k in debt—his failed attempt at online schooling for programming, project car he hasn’t worked on for 3 years, credit cards.”
“I didn’t ask for money from him because I do not need it. In hindsight, I should have taken it to give him motivation.”
“I said he could move in with us and they could save up and get a car, or put money down on a house.”
“For all his faults, he does treat [my daughter] well, and I do wish him the best because he is her partner. He did have an extremely rough upbringing, a lot of physical abuse, and I genuinely feel for the guy.”
“He does work hard when he wants to, but he isn’t consistent. At work, he receives mixed reviews from his coworkers. He is hard working but argumentative.”
“I do have 3 other kids, one in med school, one in culinary school, and the youngest wants to be an engineer.”
The OP added:
“My daughter and I are good. I actually let her know what I was going to do before I did it. I told her she could stay or go.”
“She doesn’t want to get in the middle of it, so I am not putting her in the middle. She needs a car for work, we have an old car she can use. He, however, may not use the car.”
“He does have an old truck that he now has to drive to and from work and pay for the gas. It’s a 45 minute drive to work. So now he has that weekly bill.”
“He’ll have rent in a month plus he’ll absolutely have to find a place with the fastest internet because he games almost every waking second. Now he is free to say no at work, but my guess is he will not turn down the OT any longer.”
“She’s always welcome back and can still visit. She still gets to use one of our cars for work and I’ll buy her some stuff for her new apartment. It’s time for her to live her life.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be the a**hole because I am kicking my daughter’s BF out of my house. He has 30 days, and he has no savings.”
“Getting a place will be difficult. They are horrible at managing money. They may fail.”
“My daughter feels obligated to go with him, which I am OK with, but the short notice is definitely making it harder on them than it needs to be.”
“But if I don’t put a time limit on them, I fear they will never leave.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA and not your problem. Kick the mooch out!” ~ Fluffy-Scheme7704
“NTA, he’s an adult. Additionally, how do you spend $12k on a gaming rig?” ~ Deafening4594
“NTA, but I’d change the WiFi password until he vacates the premises.” ~ Ruegurl
“NTA, definitely sounds like he needs to go.” ~ mythrafae
“Nah, bro, no more favors. He’s like curdled milk. Out he goes. Can’t offer a ride. It hasn’t made a difference in 3 years, probably won’t now. He’ll probably move home to his parents.”
“Why is your daughter settling for this mess? She really think he’s going to be an involved father? Take care of a home? Be a companion? Or be a leech?”
“Why do you let yourself be taken advantage of? You could have charged them both a modest rent and given it your kid as a down payment on a home for her.”
“He sounds like a gaming addict. NTA.” ~ Ipso-Pacto-Facto
“NTA. This will highlight if he is just using your daughter for a free ride and hopefully will free her from his idiocy.” ~ Vast-Video-7701
“NTA and it should have been ‘not your problem’ long ago!” ~ dedpla
“NTA. He has a full-time job and no rent. If he doesn’t have savings that’s his problem to deal with.” ~ WinEquivalent4069
While some focused on the question of working overtime, most focused on the OP’s question.
Was it wrong to put an end to his daughter’s boyfriend’s free ride when it hasn’t helped him meet any of his goals?