When entering a marriage, the tradition states, “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours.”
Even so, not everyone wants to share everything with their new spouse.
Including money.
Sadly, some people never fully become aware of their spouse’s financial responsibility, or lack thereof, until after marriage.
Sometimes resulting in dire situations, and drastic measures being taken.
Redditor EmotionalYear1372 wasn’t thrilled when they and their husband became a one-income household, and the original poster (OP) became the sole breadwinner.
Making the OP even more anxious and worried, however, was when they discovered their husband was constantly withdrawing sizable sums of money from their joint account.
Always delivering it to the same recipient.
Tired of their dwindling finances, the OP felt there was truly only one thing to be done.
Wondering if they went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for separating my finances from my husband because he won’t quit giving his parents money?”
The OP explained why they felt they were left with no other choice but to cut their husband off from their finances:
“Me and my husband have been together for over nine years and separating our finances never occurred to me until this past year.”
“I’m the saver, and he’s the spender.”
“In the beginning it didn’t bother me because we had two incomes and weren’t rich but lived comfortably.”
“His family has always ‘borrowed’ money from us but rarely ever pay that money back.”
“I personally don’t lend money, not even to family, but I do not stop him from lending to his.”
“A few years ago, my husband was in a bad car wreck and can no longer work, so I became the sole breadwinner.”
“He now gets disability, but that was a four-year process.”
“In that time, we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything.”
“Our debt mounted, and there was nothing I could do.”
“When he received his back pay I only asked him to pay off his vehicle a loan in which I’ve paid over 50 grand on in the last few years and put some in savings.”
“He did neither.”
“Instead he blew the money.”
“Loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created.”
“During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I have enough saved.”
“He knew I was saving to do this.”
“About a month ago, I noticed over 700 missing from our savings, and I asked him what happened!?”
“He replied with ‘I loaned it to my parents’.”
“I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it.”
“He said ‘I don’t know… when they can afford to’.”
“I blew up an lost my sh*t.”
“He didn’t ask me; we didn’t speak about it.”
“He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off, and I would say no if he asked.”
“We had a huge fight.”
“I figured after that fight he would stop.”
“But no.”
“Yesterday, I checked my account, and another thousand dollars was gone.”
“Gone where u ask?”
“He gave it his parents.”
“I’m so mad I see red.”
“I flat out told him that as of today, I’m done with his parents.”
“I’ll pay half the household bills to buy our food, and that’s it.”
“If he wants to lend all his disability to them, fine, but I’m not gonna go bust my a** 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.”
“So AITA for going to the bank and withdrawing all the money I put there and opening a new account he doesn’t have access to?”
“He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy.”
“I would like to see them happy, I just don’t want to pay for that happiness.”
“AITA?“
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for separating their and their husband’s finances.
Everyone agreed that if the OP did anything wrong, it was that they didn’t divide their and their husband’s finances sooner or that their actions might not have been drastic enough:
“NTA.”
“Check and lock your credit too; who knows what credit cards he might have opened in your name.”- PeanutGallery10
“NTA.”
“But if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together.”
“Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared.”
“As for the way forward, your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first.”
“Right now, he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request.”
“Two things need to happen.”
“Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor.”
“He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord.”
“You also need to take a good hard look at yourself.”
“What are you willing to put up with?”
“What is your breaking point?”
“Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?”- DubiousPeoplePleaser
“NTA.”
“You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money.”
“It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happens if you are in debt.”
“Sounds like he has this from his parents/family – as they also always borrow money and never pay back.”
“Separate your finances and also review your relationship if your husband thinks so little about you.”
“That he put his family way above you and not even talk about you.”
“But use you as an ATM for his family.”- Trevena_Ice
“He needs to go live with them.”
“What kind of people are stealing money from a disabled man?”
“I wouldn’t give him a single dime.”
“NTA.”- slendermanismydad
“NTA.”
“Of course he thinks your ta he can’t spend your money on anything he wants anymore!”
“I think what you did was very smart, separating the money.”
“Hopefully he won’t slack on his half of the bills because he is spending so much and expects you to pay more than half, knowing you won’t let the bills not be paid.”- Suspicious-8388
“At this point, I would consider separating.”
“He doesn’t care and has no problem spending money that ain’t his.”
“And his family are leeches.”
“NTA.”- Ready-Replacement181
“NTA.”
“But op, is the account you made in the same bank or a different one?”
“You shouldn’t have the account in the same bank because there have been instances of spouses who are being financially abused (which I would say you are) creating a new account, separate from their spouse, at the same bank they have their shared account in and the abuser gaining access to the account.”
“If it’s not at a different bank than his account, create a new account at a different bank and cancel all pre-existing credit cards in your name and any that you share with him.”- No-Understanding9745
“NTA, but you are to yourself for putting up with this for so long.”
“What is his parent’s problem that requires their (unemployed) son to send them $1000 every month?”
“That’s not normal.”- Own-Kangaroo6931
“NTA.”
“Separate everything you can.”
“He is worse than a leech; he’s an oblivious leech who squanders money you need to pay your bills.”
“You need to plan for the future too.”
“What are you going to do when he doesn’t pay his half?”- Euphoric-Joke-4436
“NTA.”
“Surprised it took you this long.”
“It’s financial abuse.”
“Tell him to go live with his parents.”- Altruistic_Boss_138
“NTA.”
“Your husband’s actions are a serious breach of trust and respect in your marriage.”
“He made significant financial decisions without consulting you, despite knowing your plans for the savings.”- sweety_naomi
“NTA.”
“Honestly there should never be money lent to family or friends without a discussion first.”
“Separate finances or not.”
“It’s great you supported him in helping his family, but this seems like exploitation.”
“Or he’s hiding something else like an addiction.”- November-8485
“He is financially abusing you.”
“You are NTA to protect yourself from bankruptcy.”
“If he wants to give all your money to his parents constantly, he caN go back to living with them, but you can’t stay in a relationship where you and your future are always an afterthought.”- Unwanted88
Those who were lucky enough to have parents who were always there for us will naturally want to be there for our parents as well.
Making the OP’s inclination to give his parents money somewhat understandable.
However, it’s a bit more difficult to sympathize with the OP, as his parents seem to take large sums of money from him on a fairly regular basis, and have yet to make any sort of effort to repay him.
Considering the OP’s husband does this, having not brought any income into their home for years, he should consider himself lucky if the OP’s finances are the only thing he finds himself separated from.