Being invited to a wedding is a privilege.
Therefore, one would think that invited guests would respect the bride and groom’s wishes, but that isn’t always the case.
A bride-to-be had an uncomfortable discussion with her stepmother who had a request regarding the wedding reception.
When their conversation quickly went south because of this, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor DumplingBandit asked:
“AITA for telling my step mother she can’t bring her own wine to my wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29 F[female]) am getting married in a few months.”
“A few days ago my step mom asked what alcohol would be at the wedding and I shared that we’re doing an open bar with signature cocktails, beer, wine, and liquor.”
“She asked what kind of wine would be there and I said I wasn’t familiar with the type, but it would be a house red and white.”
The OP continued:
“She said she and my dad and our family friends are very particular about the type of Chardonnay they like, and I told her I planned to surprise my dad (who contributed a generous amount to the wedding) by selecting a nice bottle or two of Chardonnay from their specialty wine menu to have just for them.”
“She asked if there would be enough for her friends, and I said that the bottles were about $80 each so I was only going to get 2, not enough for many people. (There is no cheaper Chardonnay option on their menu, all of their specialty wine is pretty expensive).”
Things got awkward.
“She then asked if she could bring their own. I told her I would have no idea if she just stuck some in her purse – but she said she was thinking about bringing a cooler with a few bottles.”
“I told her that it was a pretty nice venue and she’d feel uncomfortable doing so – would she do this for my cousins wedding (which was super nice) we went to a few months ago? She totally came unglued and stomped off.”
The OP shared her assessment of things after the dramatic reaction.
“I was totally calm throughout and really think I was as calm as I typed out here. That said, what she said IMO really reads to me that she thinks my wedding is going to be cheap and her friends are very well off and won’t want to drink the crap wine we’re serving.”
“My dad asked me the same question a few weeks ago and I gave him the same answer, and he was like ‘ok cool np’. He and my brother didn’t hear this conversation but think I didn’t need to say (basically) that she wouldn’t do it at my cousins wedding why would she do it at mine?”
“AITA?”
“Edit: I didn’t mention it in the post but as many comments have called out, we are not allowed to bring in outside alcohol to the venue. Our venue must provide and serve all alcohol during the wedding.”
“When she asked if they could bring their own wine I just said the venue wouldn’t allow it, I didn’t explain the legality around it though.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“Why does she want to make a scene by showing up to a ‘classy’ venue with a cooler?”
“Give her the venue’s details and tell her to call them up and order her own bottles off their wine list, I am sure they will be happy to oblige her at $80 a bottle.”
“At that price I am sure her friends will be satisfied, and your stepmom won’t be lugging a cooler like she’s off to a beer garden party…..” – Doktor_Seagull
“But pre-emptively call the venue and warn them it’s on her dime, not yours, and make sure they are aware she cannot modify your sh*t at all.” – DumbMa**Debater
“NTA for many reasons already mentioned. Also, I want to mention that this is so classless. I have an ex who is from a locally well-known noble family, so his family is very posh and definitely into fine dining, luxury wines, etc.”
“No one has ever complained about anything I served when I hosted aperitif or similar. Sure, the wine was an order of magnitude cheaper than anyone would have bought for themselves, but everyone, from SIL to his grandma, was really gracious guests and enjoyed what I could afford.”
“Just to say – funny how people can be so hoity-toity about ‘we are quite specific with the type of Chardonnay we like’ but be lacking in the most basic manners.” – DangerousWay3647
“Seriously, it is wildly tacky on stepmom’s part. If she’s so worried about the friends, stepmom can foot the bill for a few fancy bottles for them too.” – j_natron
“And if they’re fussy about wine (I am, though I happily drink much cheaper wine than it sounds like these folks do– I just like red and am apparently hypersensitive to wine that’s been open even a hair too long, so I tend to stay away from by the glass wine at a lot of places)…just have a cocktail instead?”
“Like, it’s an open bar, and it’s one night. Her friends can drink the white wine on offer or find something else for the evening.” – lawfox32
“Being that cutesy about wine is…pretentious fakery. People THINK they can tell the difference between 2 buck chuck and a $90 bottle with a score of 98. They can’t.”
“If you actually do a double-blind tasting, 50% of pp will select the cheaper wine as the better one, and 50% the other. And you keep chasing up the matchings, styles, etc…and NO ONE can consistently choose the so called better wine.”
“Even better is some work that found that people will LIKE whatever wine they think costs more. So you get a $90 bottle of wine and replace the contents with two buck chuck, and vice versa, and everyone will suddenly find two buck chuck the BEST WINE EVER.”
“Wine is rarely the subject of well-designed studies- but when it is? It is all made up- the mystic, the sommelier stuff, etc. All psychology, not reality. Drink what you like and can afford. There is NOTHING that makes a pricey wine worth it. Not taste, not complexity, nothing. You might LIKE it better- we all have different taste buds. But nothing intrinsic to the wine.” – scarybottom
“OP was only planning to buy 2 bottles of the specialty wine for her dad anyway, as a surprise. Sort of like a small ‘thank you’ gift for his part in the wedding. It’s not really any different than the bride/groom giving out thank you gifts to the people who were in the bridal party.”
“When my friend got married last year, she gave all of her bridesmaids matching jewelry to wear with our bridesmaid’s dresses. A couple of guests noticed we were all wearing the same thing and asked about our jewelry. No one got upset that we were given nicer wedding favors than the other guests 🤷🏻♀️”
“Stepmom is the only one trying to make it a bigger thing and have her friend group be included in the ‘better’ wine, which is where it would cross the line into having different tiers of drinks for the guests, IMO.”
“If stepmom is going to be tacky about it, OP might be better off giving dad the wine to take home at the end of the night.” – SomeRavenAtMyWindow
“NTA She can pay to add more bottles to the bar contract, or she can shut the f*** up. Unbelievably rude to drag cooler of your preferred wine to someone else’s wedding (unless byob coolers is the wedding vibe!).” – RutabagaConsistent60
“NTA.”
“All venues that I know of in the US will not allow you to ‘bring your own’. This is because the alcohol has to be regulated.”
“That said, I have known one or two places near me that, when asked, a guest brought their alcohol in the case, and the bartender added it to the cooler/refrigerator.”
“That way, the bartender was still regulating how much went out, and no one got over-served. This is probably what your stepmom is thinking. But regardless of my experiences, your stepmom should not bring her own wine. She can buy her own $80 bottles all she wants.” – k_princess
“NTA. The venue probably has rules about bringing outside alcohol in. That’s a big no no most places. Make sure you tell the venue that you are buying only two bottles of wine and no more. You don’t want step-mom to think she can just order however many bottles she wants and stick it on the bill.” – disney_nerd_mom
Overall, Redditors thought it was audacious of the stepmom to bring in what she believes was more of a bougie wine when the bride already set up a decent reception situation to express gratitude for the guests showing up.
They also thought that lugging a cooler to accommodate her preference was especially tacky.