When new mothers come home from the hospital, baby in tow, they generally need all the help they can get.
Those who are lucky to have close friends and family who live nearby often find themselves inundated with help, with people offering to do anything from cook or provide breakfast, lunch and dinner, to cleaning the house and changing the baby’s diapers.
Of course, wonderful as it is to have friends and family who are willing to help, this help shouldn’t necessarily be expected of anyone.
Particularly from those who might not have the means to provide it.
The daughter-in-law (DIL) of Redditor Inevitable_Nature985 was expecting her first child, and asked if the original poster (OP) could, in keeping with a cultural tradition, take over household chores for a while after she gave birth.
While the OP was ready to accept this request, they were surprised by a certain condition.
A condition that was enough for the OP to eventually say no to helping their son and DIL out, much to the anger of both of them.
Wondering if they were being unreasonably for saying no, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to a help visit for my DIL and son since they won’t allow me to stay in their home?”
The OP explained why they eventually said no to helping their son and DIL with household chores after their baby was born:
“My son married Sierra ( fake names) and they live two states over.”
“Sierra is from a culture where it is customary after she gives birth she will not do any household chores.”
“The family members ( mostly women) will go over and do all those chores.”
“So cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.”
“She explained this to me and it happens for a few weeks after the birth.”
“She is not close to her family and it was asked of me to come up for a few weeks and do this.”
“My son will be back on call a week and a half after she gives birth.”
“She is suppose to give birth in about a month and I was talking about logistics of the whole thing.”
“I asked were I would sleep and she informed me that I will need to get a hotel.”
“This shocked me since they own a nice home.”
“I thought it over and decided I do not want to do this.”
“I was already going to be doing them a huge favor by being a live in maid.”
“I was going to use all my PTO for this and now I will have to also live in a hotel.”
“This isn’t even a culture I am a part of.”
“I informed her that I will not be able to come up for the time she wanted if I have to stay in a hotel.”
“I am willing to come up for a weekend at most if I can not stay in their home.”
“I got a call from my son and he is pissed.”
“He told me that Sierra has been crying since and that I am being a d*ck.”
“That I am disrespecting her culture and rejecting her from the family.”
“That he knows I could afford this ( I could but I don’t want to pay thousand of dollars to be a maid).”
“We got into an argument.”
“I explained my points about but he wasn’t having it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to provide help for their son and DIL if they needed to stay at a hotel.
Everyone agreed that the OP offering help was a favor, not an obligation, and the very least the OP’s son and DIL could do for the OP offering their help was provide accommodation.
“NTA.”
“So, I am familiar with variations of this tradition in a number of cultures, actually.”
“My (passing, this is not my culture) exposure to it has been about pampering the new mom and ensuring she has lots of rest and bonding time and it’s a very communal based thing, where families live nearby (possibly together) and there’s also aspects of knowledge sharing from elder women to the new mom.”
“I have never heard of a hotel stay being a part of this ‘tradition’ lol.”
“This sounds like cherry picking of a tradition that undermines what it is valuable about it to reduce it to you being a maid and spending a lot of money for the opportunity (/s).”
“Are all the women of her family staying in hotels or just you?”– Even_Budget2078
“At the absolute very least, THEY can foot the hotel bill.”
“You may wind up being thankful to be able to leave the drama daily, instead of staying at the house.”
“If you choose to go, make crystal clear you are not on 24 hour, drop-everything call.”
“Additionally, wtf is keeping your son from stepping up to do chores?”
“It’s not his culture that it has to be done by women.”
“NTA.”- Only-Ingenuity7889
“NTA.”
“Your son and daughter in law want you to travel, use all your PTO and pay for and stay in a hotel because culturally the your daughter in law needs to be waited on hand and foot after giving birth?”
“Oh, heck, no.”
“I was lucky.”
“My mother and mother in law worked out a schedule to drop of meals or some groceries and pop by so I could take a shower after I gave birth.”
“And I was beyond grateful.”
“Your son’s and daughter in law’s request is over the top.”
“You son needs to look into the parental leave policies at his employer and take off additional time if his wife needs assistance.”- Peony-Pony
“‘La cuarentena: a 40-day postpartum ritual practiced in many Latin American cultures, aimed at supporting new mothers in their recovery and bonding with their babies’.”
“‘During this period, women are traditionally cared for by their communities, receiving assistance with household chores, cooking, and childcare’.”
“‘This cultural tradition is rooted in Christian customs of isolating and caring for new parents, which were once common throughout Europe and the Americas’.”
“Ya, staying in a hotel would make that extremely difficult.”
“If you lived nearby it would work well but…you don’t.”
“You are NTA, they are expecting too much.”- IamIrene
“NTA.”
“My guess is her culture also includes a close knit family and ‘village’ and she seems to have ‘disrespected’ this aspect of her culture (maybe for very good reasons).”
“From your description, the ‘maid’ duties are shared by multiple people, not just one, another way she has disrespected her culture.”
“Has anyone explained why you can’t stay in the house that you are cleaning?”
“Does your son have a time restricted job (e.g. medical resident) that he can’t use more PTO to be the maid or is he selfish and used the PTO at other times so he won’t have to deal with all of this?”
“If you do decide to go, my guess is that Sierra will treat you more as a slave, then as a much-loved family member who is sacrificing to help her out.”
“So, set some boundaries about what you will and won’t do and how you expect to be treated (yes, you should expect to spend some time with the baby and gasp even hold it, but of course you will return the baby to a parent when it needs soothing and a parent requests the child back….).”
“Make sure you are allowed to eat the meals that you prepare and that they aren’t overly elaborate or must be made exactly following a family recipe with techniques that you are not familiar with.”
“Is Sierra expecting to be waited on hand and foot and that you jump at her every command, or is this the more normal Mom is recovering from child birth and needs another set of hands as she physically recovers and learns to be a Mom?”- FormerRunnerAgain
“Not participating in someone’s ‘culture’ is not being disrespectful.”
“You are not preventing them from participating or even degrading her culture.”
“You are telling them it is TOO big of an ask.”
“PTO in the US is sacred.”
“NO ONE should ask someone to give up their PTO for them. If you offer, ok, but asking is being disrespectful of you and all the time you had to put in to earn that.”
“On top of all this they expect you to PAY for a hotel.”
“The entitlement is real.”
“NTA.”- VeritasB
It seems that Sierra has her perception of this particular cultural tradition slightly skewed.
As the tradition seems to be that the new mother’s community comes together to help her out, voluntarily at that, not that one person is the new mother’s personal attendant.
Then too, one favor usually begets another, hence why it would make sense that the OP expected to be provided lodging for all the help she provides.
One can only hope this unfortunate situation won’t have a negative effect on the OP’s relationship with their first grandchild.