Sometimes couples stay together. Sometimes they don’t.
On occasion, couples that break up find their way back to each other, and it works out.
And sometimes the relationship ends for the second time… or the third…
But when a relationship is over, should each party of the former couple expect the other to remain single for a specific amount of time before jumping back into the dating pool?
A woman is questioning if she moved on too fast after her ex-husband shamed her for being in a new relationship after he left her, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Paraesthisi asked:
“Am I the a**hole for moving on so fast after my husband left me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (47/F[emale]) husband (47/M[ale]) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate.”
“While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families.”
“We do not have any children.”
“The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why.”
“The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no.”
“He said I would find ‘flirty’ messages with one or more other women on it.”
“He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.”
“I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together.”
“If he wanted to separate, it would be final.”
“He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.”
“After being away for only two days, we rebooked our flights home, flew home, and he packed some belongings and left.”
“7 days later, he asked to come home, and we started marriage counseling.”
“He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair.”
“The counselling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it.”
“I suspect something physical happened with the other woman, but I do not have any proof.”
“He had deleted all his ‘flirty’ texts, snapchat, etc so I could not see them.”
“After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counseling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage, and he was leaving.”
“He packed up and left a few hours later.”
“He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment, and signed a one-year lease.”
“I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counseling.”
“After a four weeks, I started to feel a bit better.”
“I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot.”
“I had only met him over Zoom before this.”
“We started seeing each other a couple times a week.”
“Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship.”
“I’ve stayed in counseling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long-term marriage at the same time as beginning something new.”
“It’s been about seven months now.”
“My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined.”
“He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving).”
“Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely.”
“I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust.”
“Am I TA for moving on?”
Redditors weighed in on the situation and declared OP was not the a**hole (NTA), especially considering her husband cheated on her and left on more than one occasion.
“NTA. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.”
“Unfortunately for him, it blew up in his face”
“Edited to add: I can’t get over the audacity of the husband claiming that she moved on too fast after the separation.”
“He moved on while they were still married!!” – No_Thanks_1766
“NTA, but do be aware that you may suddenly find, not terribly far in the future, that what you thought was an amazing relationship with an amazing person was a rebound (with a possibly amazing person). Ask me how I know.” – Dipshitistan
“NTA. He’s just pissed that you moved on while he was hoping to keep you as a backup option in case his flings didn’t work out, which they clearly did not.” – Corodix
“NTA, Leave a gem lying around uncared for and someone else will pick it up.”
“He doesn’t get a say in when you move on ESPECIALLY when he was exploring his options DURING your marriage.” – Candid-Bullfrog-2949
“NTA, and speaking as a wise man, my god what a loser.” – Fuzzy-Bike-8813
“Not at all.”
“You were clear about the finality of the separation, and you took the time to heal before jumping into something new.”
“Your ex can’t dictate your timeline or who you choose to be with.” – YourAdorableDiva
“NTA – he emotionally and maybe physically cheated during your relationship, and he says you’re the AH for moving on after he leaves.”
“You owe him no loyalty or some kinda relationship mourning period.”
“You do you.” – DevilsAdvocate2999
“NTA You 100% deserve to look after your own happiness!”
“I’m glad you found something positive so quickly afterward!” – Housing_Bubbler
“NTA He broke up the marriage twice!”
“My guess is both times the grass wasn’t actually greener/ new girl wasn’t as into him.”
“So he cheats and breaks up the marriage and then has the gall to gaslight you into thinking you’re the bad guy?”
“The only way YTA is for staying with this feckless goon for so long.” – Cute-Profession9983
“So my guess is this is what happened – Hubby starts messaging these old School friends, and they’re showing interest.”
“So, he says, ‘HUH, I wonder why I’m not happy in my marriage, I think we should separate.'”
“He shacks up with the old friend, and realizes, this isn’t as great as I thought it would be, OR she’s not going to leave her husband.”
“He goes back.”
“She then reaches out to him again, ‘I want to give us another shot’ He then realizes that he isn’t getting what he had in his marriage and tries to come back again.”
“I say this as a man…men are f**king stupid sometimes.”
“NTA” – writing_mm_romance
“NTA.”
“He moved out and moved on. What you are doing with your life has nothing to do with him anymore” – Hungry_Godzilla
“He left you twice.”
“He doesn’t get to control your timeline.” – Specialist-League588
“NTA and he has some balls to pull the ‘you moved on too fast’ card when he moved on without even ending the relationship with you first.”
“Hypocritical sh*tbird” – Spectre-907
“NTA.”
“He wanted to explore the affair and then come back to you if it didn’t work out.”
“It means the other woman doesn’t want him either.”
“The trash took itself out.”
“You deserve to be happy.”
“Don’t let him guilt you.” – Viperbunny
“Of course you are NTA!!”
“Your husband wants to keep all options for himself – to leave when he wants to, come back when he wants to, leave again when he wants to, come back again… and at the same time he expects you to just stay on the shelf like a discarded toy till he decides he wants to play with you again.”
“Well, he is not a child and you are not a toy.”
“You are an independent woman.”
“He left you, you were free to form another relationship.”
“Just because your ex wants you back doesn’t make you and TA for not being available for him.”
“And even if you hadn’t formed another relationship, he has amply shown you that you cannot trust him and would not want a relationship with him.”
“Again, that doesn’t make you TA – it just makes him frustrated.”
“As Elisabeth said to lady Catherine in Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ ‘That will make your ladyship’s situation at present more pitiable; but it will have no effect on me.'” – DawnShakhar
Many also urged OP to move ahead with the divorce.
“Please leave your ex husband behind and don’t look back.”
“He wanted out, he got out.”
“You are not a revolving door.”
“He started a relationship while still married to you.”
“You started yours after your marriage was over.”
“You are NTA. He really is. What an idiot.”
“He really thought he was going to leave you, go sleep around and you’d be sitting around waiting for him.”
“Delusional.”
“I hope your new relationship works, although I would suggest taking it very slowly as you heal from the trauma of being betrayed and abandoned.” – Sea-Falcon-6063
“nta, you need to file for divorce. your husband wants to roam around town and keeps coming back whenever he feels like it?”
“no bye sir. have a great time.”
“Enjoy your freedom. He did you a favor. Enjoy your 40s!” – Plane-Chemist-3792
It certainly sounds like OP’s fellow Redditors believe she has no reason to question moving on.
Hopefully, she can put the past behind her and enjoy her next chapter.