No matter what our relationships with our family members might look like, we generally can find it within ourselves to wish those people well, even if we’re not in close contact.
But donating an organ to an estranged or distant family member is a whole other story, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor pastagurll had always felt like her relationship with her older sister was strained at best, with her sister being cruel and dismissive of her throughout her formative years.
When her sister came in and needed a kidney transplant, and her family insisted that the Original Poster (OP) was the only chance she had to survive, she felt pressured to put her hurt feelings aside to save someone else’s life.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to donate a kidney to my sister, despite it being her only chance to survive?”
The OP recently found out that her sister needed a transplant only she could give.
“I’m 19 (Female), and my older sister, who’s 23, has been diagnosed with end-stage kidney failure.”
“The doctors have told us that a transplant is her only option for survival, and I’m the only match in our family.”
The OP felt reservations about donating to her sister for a variety of reasons.
“My sister and I have never been close. Growing up, she was often critical and dismissive of me. We’ve had a strained relationship for years, and our interactions are generally limited to the bare minimum.”
“She has been consistently dismissive, cruel, and antagonistic towards me throughout our lives. This history makes the emotional burden of this decision even heavier.”
“I’ve also had my own health issues and concerns, including chronic migraines and autoimmune problems, which could be exacerbated by going in for major surgery, which adds to my hesitation. Even my doctors have expressed concerns about the potential complications for my health.”
Her family pressured the OP to go forward with the surgery.
“When I found out I was the only possible donor, I felt overwhelmed.”
“I’ve tried talking to my family about my reservations, but they insist that it’s my duty to save her because we’re family.”
“My sister is understandably upset and has been telling me that if I don’t donate, it proves I don’t care about her.”
“My family is also pressuring me heavily, saying I’d be a terrible person for refusing and that I should put aside our differences for the sake of saving her life.”
The OP felt deeply conflicted.
“I’m feeling a lot of guilt and confusion because while I want to be supportive, I also don’t want to sacrifice my own well-being and mental health for someone who has made my life difficult.”
“Additionally, the intense pressure from my family, who view my refusal as a moral failing, adds to my stress and guilt. Balancing my own well-being with their expectations and my sister’s urgent needs is incredibly challenging, making this a deeply complex decision.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she wasn’t the only chance to save her sister.
“I have a lot to say, but I’ll focus on these five things:”
“1. If you have health issues, I think you’d be fair in arguing that it might cause additional issues to your sister if you were to donate. Given she will be in a weakened immune state, that would potentially cause bigger issues.”
“2. If you do dialysis correctly (and it definitely sucks at times), you can live a long life. Sure, you have to change how you do things, but I still do things.”
“3. Be honest and direct with the transplant team. Explain everything and make sure they listen. Make sure it is documented and you are heard. Make sure you are in the room alone with them so you can be honest.”
“4. I want you to write down in a Google doc all of your feelings towards her/the situation, every memory of the relationship. Date it and put it away just in case anyone were to try and change your words. This is a document for you. Also, write down and date every time they try to intimidate you and show that to the transplant team if you feel like it’ll help.”
“5. Lastly, you are not a thing that exists to save your sister, you are a human being with your own needs and goals. Your body your choice is right, especially with you being over 18 which removes a lot of power from those around you.” – CaptainPosDoc
“If your doctors have reservations about you donating, then they probably won’t clear you to donate. Please talk to them and ask them to deny you.”
“Either way you go, this is probably not going to end well for you, and I’m very sorry for that.”
“You should not have to be the sacrificial lamb for your sister.” – SaltyShaker2
“OP, it is truly sad that your family is pressuring you regardless of your health. Tell them that THEY can donate a kidney to a matching stranger in order to move their daughter up on the transplant list.” – vabirder
“NTA. Hi, former kidney transplant recipient here. What they’re telling you is bulls**t. Transplant is absolutely not the only way for ESRD patients to survive.”
“There are a few different kinds of dialysis your sister can be put on. All of them will help her survive until a donation can be found.”
“Don’t let anyone bully you into this, OP. You absolutely do NOT have to do this. If you can privately let the transplant team know, please do so. They will listen to you.” – PhilosophyLow7491
“I have a disease that could at any point put me in kidney failure. It could be rapid and sudden onset. Being a transplant donor is such a big deal that I’ve actually put in my living will that I won’t take a kidney from either of my kids. In the event I’m not conscious, I want my wishes clear.”
“My kids are young. One very close to your age and the other is just a bit younger. I’m not willing to have either of them take on the lifetime of medical challenges that would come with being single kidney. It is not something that should ever be done lightly.”
“My point is, it’s a big deal. You’re NTA here. For a female, it’s even bigger.”
“Do you want kids? Beause that is now something that will now be high risk if you have a single kidney. There’s a lot to consider.”
“You can tell the transplant coordinator that you are being coerced and pressured, and they can help you.” – Dachshundmom5
Others agreed and stated that a person should not be a donor if they are not 100% a donor.
“‘I have an autoimmune disease and worry for MY future health. My family is pressuring me to do this so I’m only here so I don’t live with them blaming me for HER health for the rest of my life.'”
“That should put the brakes on anyone letting you go further. If not, there is medical malpractice happening.” – MokSea
“OP, talk with the doctors ALONE. You are an adult. This is your body. No sister or parent in the room to influence your questions or responses. This is a big decision.”
“The donation team can say that you are not a match because you are not. Being ‘not a match’ can be from a biological standpoint, but it can also be from a psychological or sociological one.” – Boomvanger
“I offered to donate part of my liver to my hubby. At the very first appointment, they let me know that if at any time I decided I didn’t want to donate, I just had to tell them, and they would find a reason for me not to donate.”
“The same goes for you, OP. They WILL NOT tell your family you backed out.” – unicornwants
“The protections are very strong for living-donor kidney transplants.”
“First of all, if there’s any risk to the health of the donor, they don’t do it! OP’s autoimmune issues alone would probably disqualify OP from being an eligible donor regardless of if there’s a match.”
“Fun fact: If you give a kidney as a living donor, you are automatically at the top of the transplant list if YOU ever have kidney issues in the future (at least in Canada, I think the US too?). This really illustrates how the health of the donor is a priority; you’re a living donor, so they want to make sure you STAY living after you’ve chosen to give a kidney.”
“Beyond that, kidney transplant teams do a thorough psychological screening of donors because organ donation/major surgery already takes a toll on one’s mental health. This is also because they’re super strict about ensuring that the donation is VOLUNTARY. They go all-out to make sure it’s not a ‘buying a kidney’ situation; for example, all the various medical costs of the process are covered for the donor.”
“They literally ask you so many times if you are making the donation willingly because any question of coercion invalidates the voluntary nature of the program and invites corruption!”
“PLUS in these screenings, if the donor ever expresses that they don’t want to do the transplant or are being pressured/coerced the transplant team will declare the donor ineligible. The donor could be a perfect match but they will literally say, ‘Sorry, no match,’ with no blame put on the donor and no mention of the donor being unwilling, they just say you are not medically a match!”
“NTA because it’s not just that you don’t want to donate a kidney to your sister (which is valid regardless). Based on the details you’ve shared, you literally CAN’T donate a kidney to her regardless because the health concerns and just not wanting to make you ineligible to donate.”
“I do think it’s worth speaking with the transplant team so that they can verify your ineligibility, your family can’t argue or blame you when the doctors say no!” – AmbiguousVague
“I connected a friend who I met who was on dialysis and waiting for a kidney with my husband at the time who was a potential match for donation. It worked out and He gave her one of his kidneys and she is now several years later a happy healthy person.”
“But the process to get there was cumbersome because of all the psych evals and such. He was grilled repeatedly about his genuine altruistic desire to donate, especially to a near stranger. He was told many many times that if he didn’t want to and felt coerced, they would just reject with ‘not a match’ and never tell anyone that it was actually because he changed his mind or whatever.”
“OP is NTA. It sucks that she and her sister have bad relationship because that just makes things harder but I don’t blame OP for considering the relationship as well as her own health for reasons it won’t work.”
“OP, you are allowed to say no. If you don’t want to cause more family drama, then just tell the donation team that you feel pressured (they will ask… many times), and they will simply declare that it’s not a match. Good luck.” – EarthToLaurene
While the OP’s family was not showing their support, the subReddit absolutely was. Not only did they point out that the OP wasn’t a match simply for her health reasons, let alone because of her relationship with her sister, but they also insisted that the OP was far from the only way to “save” her sister.
Instead of putting all of the pressure on a 19-year-old, the family should do more research.