If there’s one challenge parents face more than any other, it’s instilling good habits into their children.
All any parent wants is for their child to be happy and healthy, both physically and mentally.
For that reason, most parents aren’t too authoritarian when it comes to their children’s habits, wanting to give them a little freedom. But how much freedom is too much?
The daughter of a recent Redditor was an active member of her dance team.
Since the original poster (OP) believed her daughter had a sufficiently active and healthy lifestyle, she didn’t give too much thought or put too many restrictions on certain areas of her life.
Something the OP’s husband would eventually scold her for out of concern for her daughter’s health.
Wondering if her husband was right, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for letting my daughter eat whatever she wants?”
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her husband over her daughter’s diet:
“I (45 F[emale]) have a (15 F) daughter.”
“She is extremely active on her school’s dance team.”
“They have practices 8 hours a week, and according to her Fitbit she gets 100+ ‘active minutes’ a day on average.”
“Because of this, I basically let her eat whatever she wants (packs her own lunches/buys school lunch, eats whatever snacks she wants, eat or not eat the family dinner, all her choice).”
“Because of the long practices, she usually eats a normal-sized lunch, a large snack, and a large dinner every day.”
“However, my husband (her stepfather) has told me that I need to be enforcing healthier eating habits because ‘she’s getting chubby’ (she’s always been on the curvier side, but she’s a size medium or a size 8 in most clothing items, she’s 5’4 and 150 pounds).”
“He told me that she’s going to end up obese if I don’t fix it now, and that’s probably the cause of her knee problems (she’s hyper mobile in her knees, so they’ll randomly buckle backwards and get a mild sprain).”
“I’ve ignored his concern on the matter, because I believe my daughter is fine the way she is (and no doctor has brought up needing to lose weight), and that the knee problems are just an unfortunate genetic component (both me and her father have similar issues).”
“Does this make me the AH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not the OP was the a**hole for letting her daughter eat whatever she wanted.
Some felt that the OP was not the a**hole, feeling that the OP would intervene if that did become necessary, even if some felt that the OP should at least make sure she teaches her daughter the importance of a balanced diet and exercise, agreeing that while her husband didn’t address the matter well, her daughter did seem overweight for her height.
“NTA.”
“But hear me out.”
“I’m a body-positive fatty, on a WL journey, and close to your daughter’s height.”
“I’ve spent my whole life throwing eye daggers at anyone who criticized kids’ eating habits or weight because I felt this happened to me as a kid and was NOT helpful and even did more damage than good.”
“I stand by that opinion as well as your daughter’s right, as a 15-year-old, to decide what’s best for her to eat without having it policed, much less ‘enforced’ as your husband suggests.”
“That said, the more work I do on my own health, the more I realize it’s not a crime for a parent to want their kid to make healthy choices in all aspects of their lives, including their relationship with food.”
“Thus, I think your husband is being an AH for focusing on the ‘getting chubby’, ‘fix it now’, and perhaps overstepping as a stepparent.”
“But I don’t think he’s wrong for suggesting she may be forming bad habits, and you have an opportunity to help her replace them with better ones.”
“150 is technically overweight for your daughter’s height (I know this because I initially set it as my goal weight and my doctor was like ‘try again, shorty’), although I know there are more factors than height and weight that go into what is healthy.”
“If you are responsible for providing the large snack and the large dinner, perhaps you could replace them with a normal snack and a normal dinner, or keep them large in volume but lean a little heavier on veggies and protein.”
“And this can’t be something that is just for your daughter and not the rest of the family–it’s a good time to get everyone to commit to eating a little better, including stepdad!”- JeepersCreepers74
“NTA.”
“However your husband MAY have a point.”
“His way of phrasing it SUCKS, but 15 years old, 5’4” and 150 seems a little on the high side to me.”
“I would be keeping an eye on it.”
“I’m 5’5” and have always been reasonably fit but not what anyone would call skinny.”
“I’m 138 and 63 years old.”
“At her age I was strong AF, athletic and 125lbs.”
“Two hours of practice a day isn’t all that much – fairly typical for high school sports and there’s three more days each week.”
“Might need to pay a little closer attention to food choices and what’s in the ‘normal’ lunch and snack.”- CharlatansExposed
“NTA.”
“But maybe your husband isn’t entirely wrong either.”
“5’4 at 150 is not really a healthy weight, is it?”
“If she’s that active and she’s still 150, then that has to be more than the amount of calories she needs.”
“I’m a 40 yr old woman.”
“My body has started feeling the wear of life, and I really wish I had developed healthier habits when I was younger.”
“It is just that – a habit.”
“I’m not saying to act like your husband about it.”
“Also don’t tell her what she can and can’t eat, but don’t tell her she’s a healthy weight – body positivity is nice, but you can be body positive and encourage healthy too.”- ygnomecookies
Others, however, felt that the OP was being the a**hole for not teaching her daughter the importance of a healthy diet, with a few pointing out that exercise doesn’t make up for eating improperly.
“Gentle YTA for the missed opportunity in parenting.”
“Intuitive eating is great, but our intuition can be warped by cravings for foods that were strategically designed to be addictive.”
“And exercising is great, but you’d be amazed at how a ‘large snack’ can have 2x the calories you burn in a workout, if that snack is junk food.”
“The day your daughter graduates high school is the day she’ll no longer be on the high school dance team, and the day she moves out she’ll need to manage all her own nutritional info.”
“But for now she’s still a child & it’s your responsibility to take care of her, including feeding her & teaching her.”
“This is your last chance to provide her with healthy food & teach her how to feed herself in a healthy way.”
“It would be great for her to understand nutrition, like research-backed guidelines on what a balanced diet looks like, how to balance that with enjoying treats sometimes, what’s required nutritionally to support an active lifestyle, how to build good habits and plan meals, etc.”
“Not to ever deny her food if she’s hungry or try to change her body size, but to set her up in life to make sustainable choices.”
“If you’ve already done all that and the food she’s choosing for herself is on the right track, my apologies & nvm!”- Maximum_Chair4836
“YTA, she’s a child, you are her caretaker.”
“You need to instill healthy habits with her.”
“Snacking is a terrible habit that could stick with her for life.”
“5’4” and 150 lbs is heavy, it really is.”
“If she has knee problems now, they will only get worse.”
“I also saw in another response that you said she burned 2,000 calories in a 3 hour practice, but this is just not true.”
“High intensity estimates would be a max of 1,500 calories, and that’s if she was at the high intensity for the entire 3 hours.”
“It’s more likely she’s burning a max of 1,000-1,200 calories.”
“Not only that, but she’s clearly eating more calories than she’s burning, at the weight she’s at.”-Linecruncher
“YTA.”
“You aren’t teaching your kid how to have/create healthy meals.”
“This is a life skill.”
“If she doesn’t learn that and continues to eat whatever she wants as she ages, it will most definitely be bad for her health.”- Working_Early
The OP is undoubtedly very proud of her daughter. She clearly loves her and wants what’s best for her.
Even so, while nothing may appear to be wrong, and if her husband’s fears she was getting “chubby” were not the best choice of words, the OP might, at the very least, want to get a doctor’s opinion.
As health is a very complicated, sometimes complex issue, and even with all the exercise she’s getting from the dance team, the OP’s daughter still might not be treating her body as well as she should be.