Adequate housing has been priced out of a lot of people’s reach in the United States. People are paying more for less space.
For single people without children, there is the flexibility of renting a single room from a homeowner or as part of a home share with others, getting a studio apartment, or a one bedroom home or apartment.
But for people with multiple children, there are limitations. Especially when multiple equals five children.
Single rooms, studios, and one and two bedroom places aren’t ideal or even an option based on local occupancy ordinances. That eliminates a huge portion of the housing market for large families.
Four and five bedroom places exist—in my area there are a lot of old farmhouses. Big families were common at one time.
But a lot of these big single family homes are being converted into rental properties with multiple units. Large families often find themselves in apartments or rental homes which don’t have enough bedrooms for everyone to get their own room.
Of course, this is nothing new for lower income families.
Growing up, my single Akenistén:’a (Mother in Kanien’kéha), my two Sisters, and I lived in a two bedroom trailer.
Ista (Mum in Kanien’kéha) shared the small bedroom with Mithaŋ (my baby Sister in Lakȟótiyapi) who was still a toddler. Mičuwé (my older Sister in Lakȟótiyapi) and I had bunkbeds in the “master bedroom.”
But when she was 11, Mičuwé was diagnosed with asthma. At that time, doctors would recommend the child be moved into a room with minimal dust. So basically a room with no shelves or furniture other than a bed and no toys or trinkets or decor.
Mithaŋ moved in with me, Mičuwé moved into the small bedroom, and Akenistén:’a moved onto the sofa bed in the living room.
Necessity is the mother of invention—or creative solutions.
It’s also worth noting this is a very first world problem. People across the globe have lived in single rooms with multiple generations and extended family.
The idea that each person requires their own bedroom and bed strictly segregated by gender, sexuality and age is a fairly modern concept. My own ancestors lived in tipis—my paternal Oglala Lakota Očeti Sakowin relatives—and longhouses—my maternal Kanien’kéha:ka Haudenosaunee relatives.
Cultures throughout the world still live successfully in similar ways.
There is nothing uncivilized or uncultured about living traditionally within your means using the resources avaliable to you.
A mother of five turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after others criticized her creative solution.
Maleficent_Trick_489 asked:
“AITA for making my son (16) pay for his own room?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a single mom of 5 (16-male, 14-male, 10-male, 9-female, 7-male) renting a 3-bedroom house.”
“Up until 2 months ago the 2 eldest boys shared a room, the 3 youngest shared, and I had the smallest room.”
“For the last few years, my eldest complained non-stop about having to share a room with his little brother. Most of his friends’ parents are wealthy so he’s constantly comparing our situation to theirs.”
“He started working when he was 14 (a few hours a week) for a little extra money. Now at 16 he works a lot (more than I would like) and this summer he has been working basically full-time.”
“He’s not too bad with his money and actually saves some of it, but the rest goes to video games, clothes/shoes, and junk food.”
“Two months ago, my son and I were discussing his distaste for sharing a room with his brother and he said he’d drop out of school now if it meant he could move out into his own space. I told him I had looked at 4-bedroom rentals in our area, but they were just too expensive.”
“He asked if he could pay the difference if we did move. I told him no because during the school year all his money would be going to rent, not his savings and his spending money. That obviously wouldn’t sit right with me.”
“However, we did come up with a compromise. For $50 a month he could have my bedroom and my 10-year-old could move in with 14-year-old and I would sleep in our living room (our couch is already a pull-out).”
“This was 2 months ago, and we already made the switch, and everybody is happy with the new set up.”
“All the money my son is paying me is going straight into my Christmas savings and then after Christmas will go into a summer trip savings.”
“I recently told some of my friends what I was doing and they’re against it. They think I’m wrong for taking any amount of money from my kids and a couple of them said I should have just given him the room without making him pay for it.”
“They make some good points, and I don’t totally disagree, and it makes me feel like an a**hole.”
“My 14-year-old son is also unhappy about the arrangement, he thinks its unfair older brother is getting his own room and that middle brother should have stayed in his old room.”
“I can see how he feels it’s unfair that older brother has the chance to pay for his own room when he (or the other kids) don’t have the same opportunity.”
“It seems bad to renege with my oldest now, but I’m not sure if I made a mistake agreeing to this.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Letting my son pay to have his own room could make me the a**hole because I’m taking money off my school-aged child and it’s making his younger brother jealous.”
“My friends think it is wrong.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) or that there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“There is a wild difference between charging your underage kids rent, and accepting $50 a month—that is going back to the kids—so a growing teenager can have privacy.”
“No other children are getting less, and no one is abused by any means.”
“Not exactly an ideal solution, but tricky problems require unconventional solutions. NTA.” ~ Boring_Ghoul_451
“Your eldest wanted his own space, and you found a solution that works for everyone without breaking the bank. He gets privacy, you get some help with expenses, and everyone else adjusts.”
“Sounds like a win-win, right? But the fact that your 14-year-old is feeling left out? Yeah, that’s the fly in the ointment.”
“Making your son pay a small amount for the room isn’t the issue—it teaches him responsibility, budgeting, and that nothing in life is free. But the fairness aspect with the other kids needs to be addressed.”
“Maybe it’s time for a family meeting to discuss how this arrangement works and why it was made. It might not make everyone happy, but at least they’ll understand the reasoning.”
“NAH. You’re trying to make the best out of a tough situation. Just keep the communication open with all your kids, so no one feels like they’re getting the short end of the stick—or the short end of the couch, in your case.” ~ 410Writer
“Your fourteen-year-old is learning a valuable life lesson—you don’t always get what you want just because someone else has it.”
“Your sixteen-year-old is learning that one way or the other you always have to give something up in order to have something you want more. Also a valuable life lesson.”
“If OP gives into her friends, what is the lesson her sixteen-year-old will learn from that? Probably not one that a sixteen-year-old should be taught.”
“The only thing I’m worried about is OP’s back. Her pull-out must be more comfortable than ours. NTA, OP. Your ‘friends’ however…” ~ caveatlector73
“In 2 years, the oldest will be 18 and in college or on his own or working full-time and helping rent a bigger place. The next will be 16 and then he can pay for the solo room.”
“Kids don’t always get the same exact thing at the same time—especially when there’s an age difference. NTA.” ~ On_my_last_spoon
“Yeah, that’s an upper class problem. I—female—shared a room with my 4 years younger brother from the time my parents split in 5th grade until I moved out for college.”
“Was it ideal? No. But my mom could only afford what she could afford so we did it without b*tching.”
“When the choice is food on the table or sharing a room, you suck it up and share.” ~ DammitMegh
“Do your friends pay your bills? I think not, so they don’t have a say in your home.”
“Also, just don’t overshare your personal life like that. Your situation is not optimal, but you guys are managing.”
“Not everyone has to compromise like a single mother of five and your friends clearly can’t relate to your situation, but still feel qualified to criticize you. Unless they’re raising money to get you a bigger place, they can STFU. NTA.” ~ wiggert
“Your oldest didn’t have this opportunity when he was 14, either. So the 14-year-old can wait until he’s 16. NTA.” ~ Neenknits
“You are experimenting with solutions. This won’t be a forever thing. Situations will change.”
“As far as your friends, ignore them. I see it as running your house the best you can and teaching the value of financial contributions to your son. In six months, check in with the family and see if an improvement can be made.”
“My only concern is for you. As a parent, you need a private space. You must take care of yourself so that you can do the best for your family.” ~ curious_me1969
If the arrangement works for this family—with the exception of the 14-year-old feeling jealous, then it doesn’t matter what the OP’s friends think.
This single mother is doing the best she can with the circumstances she’s in. Maybe in the long run, it won’t work out, but there’s no harm in trying.