We’ve all heard of the sunken cost fallacy when it comes to relationships.
People will consider how long they’ve been in that relationship before they decide whether their relationship deal breaker is, in fact, a deal breaker.
But we think of relationship deal breakers as being deal breakers for a reason, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-Transition534 had been happily married for fifteen years and had a ten-year-old son with his wife.
But when his wife came home and confessed that she had had a one-night stand and begged him not to throw their relationship away, the Original Poster (OP) was not convinced that he was the one throwing the relationship away at all.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for ignoring my wife’s advances and saying that I’m only staying with her because of our son?”
The OP thought that he and his wife were happily married.
“I’m (37 Male) been married to my wife (38 Female) for the past 15 years, and we have a son (10 Male).”
“Our relationship has always been healthy, no significant or no fighting at all, and we have regular sex because we both have a high sex drive.”
“Every few days, I bring her gifts, like flowers and sometimes a necklace or other jewelry like earrings, etc. She, on the other hand, keeps surprising me by making new dishes.”
“Our marriage is as perfect as it can get.”
But then the OP’s wife did something terrible.
“A week ago, my wife confessed to me that she hooked up with a guy in a bar when she went for drinks.”
“I don’t drink, but my wife does, so we decided that she will not drink at home for our son’s influence, and then she goes to the bar for drinks every few days.”
“She came to me and told me everything that happened. She said she made a very big mistake. She was approached by a guy in his mid-20s, and she got seduced and they did it.”
“I was so angry that she would ruin our marriage just for a bit of fun.”
“She cried and begged me that she just made one mistake.”
“I told her that I’m divorcing her. She f**ked up our 15-year relationship.”
“She kept begging, but I didn’t listen.”
The OP’s ten-year-old son did not take the news well.
“I told my son that his parents are splitting, in an age-appropriate way, of course.”
“He wasn’t having it. He cried and said he wanted his parents, to go for dinner, to have fun with, for vacations, etc.”
“I just hugged him, and said okay and that I won’t leave him yet. He’s happy for now.”
“Now coming back to my wife, she’s trying her best to make it work, but I ignore her. If she hugs me and kisses me or engages in sex, I just let her for my son.”
“I don’t want him to grow up in an abusive household, but she cries and begs me to not throw away 15 years.”
“She says she will try her best to keep her family no matter what; she’s not gonna let a drunk mistake break her family and lose the love of her life.”
The OP decided it was time to move forward with the divorce.
“My son is undergoing therapy. I told my wife that once our son is ready, we will divorce.”
“She can stay at my home, so our son doesn’t have to move out of his home. I will visit him every day after work and help her, as well, but she should look for a job.”
“I will find someplace nearby, and we will not tell anyone about her infidelity.”
The OP’s wife got the rest of their family involved.
“She started crying and begged me to not break our marriage.”
“She went to our parents and family, and they are begging me to give her another chance.”
“Some are calling me out for breaking the family and not thinking about our son. Her siblings and parents are furious at me for breaking the family and putting my wife through so much pain. They say my wife has always been a good and faithful wife, but she just made a mistake, and she deserves another chance.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I leave her without giving her another chance? Everyone keeps saying we will become stronger if I just give her another chance, but if it doesn’t work, I can leave.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP the divorce would be better for his son and urged him to do it.
“You need to divorce. If you stay, your son is going to fully expect ‘rainbows and sunshine’ between you and your wife, and you can no longer give that.”
“He’s too young to understand. You can’t let him control your decision because his expectations about you staying are not reality.”
“You have to do the right thing now. It WILL be better for your son than staying together and disappointing him EVERY DAY because you two are NOT the happy parents he wants you to be.” – JanetInSpain
“My parents also spoke to me about divorce but never got one, and I grew up with them loudly fighting frequently in the house. They also smack-talked each other to me and my siblings, which affected the way we thought of and treated them. Two separate households with happier parents are better then a family that hates each other.”
“If you both find new partners that you love, you’re at least showing that there are happy endings and love-filled relationships.” – LiteroticaSharon
“You should divorce, OP. Otherwise, eventually, he’ll learn the details because he’ll overhear something and you’d essentially have taught him that he must stick around when he gets cheated on as well.” – Vivid-Kitchen1917
“Lock down your credit. Take her off any credit cards and other accounts. Make sure to secure your important papers and set up an account with only your name.”
“Do not have sex with her. It sounds like right now she believes she can convince you to stay. Once she realizes you are done. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to baby-trap you. Don’t take that risk.”
“Not even one last goodbye or for old times sake. Your first reaction may be, ‘She would never,’ but ummm, yes, my guy, she would. Desperate people will do some crazy f**ked up s**t.” – LittleRedRidingHood72
“She says that she made a mistake, but it wasn’t just one mistake. There were loads of mistakes in there, from accepting the drink to flirting to the first kiss and then them having sex.”
“I can’t tell you to leave her, but if this were me, the trust is completely gone, and the relationship is over.”
“Also, I would not believe what she told people as way too many of them seem to be okay with her fucking another guy.” – HaphazardJoker258
Others agreed and argued against the points the family had tried to make.
“Her family has such balls being furious at you, telling you that you destroyed the marriage. SHE DID IT!! Divorce is the best in this situation. Tell her that she not only cheated on you but also on your son. He will grow up in a broken home because she made a ‘mistake.'”
“And you know if roles were reversed and it was OP who hat cheated the wife, the wife’s family would still accuse him of breaking up the family.” – CyberArwen1980
“Are you certain that what she told the families was the actual truth? I have a hard time believing all these other people are getting angry at you for being cheated on.”
“Anyway, get out of the house and go somewhere close by for your kid. She’s just going to ‘love bomb’ you into accepting her crap. Get the paperwork started, and tell her to find a job.”
“How long before she ‘goes out for drinks’ again? How do you think you’re going to feel playing pretend for months? All of this can hurt you in the divorce depending on the state you live in.” – whiterac00n
“Do not have sex with her! Get tested for STDs and do not produce another child with her. She will get pregnant to trap you. Sleep in a separate room, etc. NTA and tell her family to kiss your a**. She cheated, not you!” – maximal_gain
“I think you need to tell her that if any more of her family bothers you, even once, you are going to out her publicly when you do leave.”
“Either she plays nice and stops trying to manipulate you (which is actually making you dislike her more) or she accepts it and at least shows contrition by respecting your choices.”
“‘I’m not going to say you didn’t have the ghost of a chance before, but after getting your family to harass me? Done. Finished.'”
“And tell the flying monkeys to eat s**t because you don’t need to make mistakes to value your marriage, and you don’t want anyone who does.”
“My advice: Just start separation. It was a mistake to go back on your word to your kid. Tell her if she continues manipulating the situation and having third parties involve themselves, she’s going to be outed and have the most contentious divorce your state has ever seen.”
“Put the screws to her. She ruined this s**t, and you don’t want what it is, even if you want what you had.”
“Don’t let them hold you hostage. Doing as they ask is honestly going to lead to them thinking they can push you around.” – Grimwohl
“NTA. Cheating is never a ‘mistake.’ It is an intentional betrayal because it requires multiple choices, full consent, and active participation. Using wording like it was a mistake…, it was an accident…, one thing led to another…, I got caught up in the moment…, or blaming being drunk is an attempt to reduce their accountability and avoid consequences.”
“You get to decide the consequences. It is your sole prerogative and responsibility. Don’t let anyone guilt you into not following through with your decision.”
“Does the family and friends who are pressuring you know the full story, because even though you said you wanted to keep it quiet, she opened the can of worms, and you should not feel guilty about making sure they know the full truth.”
“For those pressuring you who are married, ask them to be honest with you, and ask them if their partner went to a bar and did what your wife did, would you just forgive them and let it go. That will either shut them up or make them lie to your face.”
“I am sorry you are going through this because you deserve better than this because this is not your fault. It’s not about who you are as a person or what you did or didn’t do during your marriage. This about her intentionally making choices that she knew were wrong when she made the original choice, while she was doing it, and now afterwards. I wish both you and your son success in your healing journey.” – Necessary_Tap343
While the subReddit understood that some couples can move beyond cheating and even go on to have genuinely happy and healthy relationships, they also empathized that that would not be an option for everyone.
Though the OP’s wife may have felt she only made one mistake, she actually made a series of them, and if she wanted her marriage and family unit to last, there were multiple chances for her to say no.