Putting together a guest list for a wedding can be an exhausting process.
Putting together a seating arrangement… can be terrifying.
Families have issues.
They don’t go away because of a happy event.
So what is the happy couple to do?
Redditor Regular-Dare1057 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for inviting my nephew to my wedding despite his estrangement from my brother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (33 M[ale]) am marrying my fiancé (37 M) this winter.”
“We’re putting together the guest list to send the invitations out and have run into an issue with my nephew and my brother.”
“My brother (38 M) was 18 when his Girl]Friend] told him she was pregnant.”
“They ended up moving in together and my brother decided to go to find work as a mechanic rather than go to college as he’d planned.”
“My nephew was born a little while later.”
“They got married when she told him she was pregnant with their second kid (15 F[emale]) and then had two more, both 10 M.”
“Ever since my nephew was born, he’s been literally one of my favorite people.”
“I babysat him plenty of times, same with my other siblings, and have spent my twenties as their Guncle.”
“My brother and I were close as kids, and I’ve been close to his kids as well.”
“Five years ago, my brother found out my nephew wasn’t his, and his now ex-wife had been sleeping with someone else at the time and had suspected my oldest nephew wasn’t my brother’s since he was a little kid.”
“They ended up getting a divorce, and my brother didn’t seek custody of my oldest nephew and said he didn’t want to see him.”
“He told me that he needed time to process and would try to patch things up later.”
“That idea was kind of ruined when my nephew turned up at my brother’s apartment begging to talk.”
“It turned into an argument between them.”
“For context, our father had just passed a couple of months earlier.”
“During the argument, my nephew said something along the lines of ‘No wonder mom f**ked somebody else. I bet Grandpa hated you.’”
“My brother cut things off then and there and has refused to see my nephew since.”
“I stepped in as the main male figure in my nephew’s life, much as I dislike my ex-S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw].”
“I even took him out for his 18th birthday and took him looking at universities, and he now goes to my alma mater.”
“I asked my brother how he wants to handle the seating situation if they don’t want to be close together.”
“My brother was angry. I’d even invite my nephew after everything that happened.”
“He said it’d be like inviting my ex-SIL, ‘He’s not family, he’s just the prick who disrespected our dad.'”
“I said he’s being petty and childish taking the words of a scared and angry 14-year-old so personally.”
“He was a kid who said something shi**y because his entire world was falling apart, and the person he’d relied on for his whole life was suddenly pulling away.”
“And instead of being understanding and doing family therapy or something like a grownup, my brother decided to give adult weight to a teenager’s words and cut him off completely.”
“My nephew has said he’s okay with not going if it’s causing an issue, but I told him not to be ridiculous.”
“He’s important to me, and I want him there when I marry my person.”
“I told him he shouldn’t let my brother’s inability to let go be his problem.”
“My fiance agrees with me.”
“My mom and sister both say I need to see it from my brother’s perspective.”
“I think he’s just being petty.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“That boy lived with you all for 14 years, and no one did what you did for him?”
Like his grandma, didn’t she feel something about losing her grandson?”
“The dad, he saw all his life development till 14, took him to the doctors, changed diapers, played with him, bought bicycle, picnics,”
“Christmas, Halloweens… Etc.”
“And then cut that poor boy like this?”
“Wooosh memories and emotions deleted 👐.”
“Bro even if he is not a blood relative you and your family are HIS family for 14 years.”
“NTA… don’t cut that child from your life.” ~ C_Khoga
“I’m not blaming OP’s nephew, I do feel bad for OP’s brother… he stepped up to marry the pregnant girlfriend thinking she is pregnant with his child.”
“He skipped college to do this.”
“Finding out his ex-wife lied to him that the child is NOT biologically his… that is big a blow to a person!!! “
“The Ex-wife is the AH!”
“OP is wonderful for supporting his nephew!”
“Support your brother, too, because he is also the victim.”
“We all need to put ourselves in OP’s shoes too.”
“I see both sides to this.”
“Nephew and OP’s brother are victims created by the AH ex-wife!” ~ Any-Maintenance5828
“100%, you said it right.”
“It’s OP’s special day, and he gets to pick who comes.”
“If the brother doesn’t like that, he can simply not go. It’s not like he’s the one getting married.” ~ Huxley_The_Third
“Your brother is allowed to set boundaries, ‘I won’t be at your wedding if the kid is there because of my mental health,’ and you’re allowed to say ‘ok.'”
“Someone’s boundaries are their own.”
“If they try to manipulate or change you or your choices to enforce their boundaries, that crosses the line into controlling. NTA.” ~ Shmoopy37
“He’s acting like a child, so explain it to him like you would with a child.”
“’Uninviting him is not an option, as this is MY wedding day, not yours.'”
“‘Your only choices are between attending and either being civil or ignoring him, or not attending at all.'”
“‘If you cannot choose, then I will make the choice for you, and you will not be attending.’”
“NTA.” ~ allie06nd
“NTA, but your brother is an AH.”
“He raised this kid for FOURTEEN years and then ditched him over something he had no control over and then the kid lashed out as a teen?”
“Yeah NTA, I’m glad you maintained a relationship with the kid.”
“Your brother may not have had to continue being a father to this young man, but he didn’t have to be cruel to him.” ~ Specialist-Owl2660
“NTA by a long shot.”
“It’s not your nephew’s fault that he’s an affair child, and he certainly needs support right now.”
“Your brother can absolutely feel betrayed and can be hurt by your nephew’s comment, but this isn’t about his feelings.”
“Your nephew’s life fell apart as much as your brother’s did, and you’re trying to be the best help you can be.” ~ Anonymotron42
“NTA. And as to your mother and sister, this is the perfect time for the old line, ‘I would try to see things from his perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my own a**.'” ~ B3Gay_DoCr1mes
“A 14-year-old’s reaction after learning that his dad isn’t his dad and getting rejected by his dad was normal behavior for a 14-year-old.”
“Your brother needs to act his age and work on his issues and come to terms with everything and stop blaming a little boy who called him daddy NTA.” ~ WillaLane
“NTA… However, you don’t get to say how your brother should feel.”
“What should your brother do?”
“Does him deciding not to be a part of your nephew’s life suck? Yes.”
“It is his choice, though.”
“He was 18, and his ex derailed his whole life with a lie.”
“All his plans had to change because he was now responsible for a child.”
“He sacrificed what he wanted his future to be for a child only for it to not even be his.”
“Until you experience this, you can’t say he should be over it.”
“Every time he sees your ‘nephew,’ it is a reminder, and some people can’t get over that kind of hurt and betrayal.” ~ kinoki44
“NTA. AS ALWAYS, you invite who you want and let them accept or decline.”
“If you want your nephew there, invite him.”
“If your brother is going to boycott your wedding because of that, it’s his choice.”
“Always assume everyone can get along for the sake of YOUR wedding (or other event).”
“The person asking you NOT to invite someone is almost always the one holding on to a grudge, and trying to force you to pick sides.”
“You don’t have to pick sides.”
“They can either ‘play nice’ for one day, or they can stay home.”
“As for the seating arrangements, it’s clear your brother doesn’t consider this person to be ‘family.'”
“So you would seat the nephew at the ‘fun younger people’ table.”
“Unless your brother declines, then you can decide to seat nephew with family if that’s what you think everyone would prefer.” ~ 1962Michael
“NTA. I understand your point of view.”
“You babysat and bonded with him.”
“He is your nephew, cool!”
“But I can’t bring myself to completely dismiss your brother’s feelings.”
“Your dad had just died, and he was trying to deal with the whole ‘my wife cheated, son isn’t biologically mine’ snafu, and then your nephew confronts him and shouts about how he deserved to be cheated on and that his dead father hated him… that’s… not great.”
“I mean, your brother is still an AH, but I kind of get why he has issues.” ~ efrendel
“You do you as long as you know this could end your relationship with your brother.”
“Because to him you will definitely be taking the side of his cheating wife.”
“Everyone always tries to gloss over the feelings of the father in these situations.”
“There’s even a Reddit post where the mother found out she wasn’t and everyone said she was not the ahole for cutting conduct.”
“NAH, but you be better off fixing it before the wedding because you’re going to destroy one of your relationships.” ~ becauseofblue
“You’re definitely NTA!”
“Poor kid felt abandoned by his dad and lashed out, but we have no idea what the dad said to the kid in that argument!”
“He was 14.”
“Your brother was an adult.”
“He should have acted like one and explained to the kid what was going on, that he loved him still and just needed some time.”
“Instead, he didn’t want to see him and didn’t want custody. Of course, the kid will think he didn’t want him.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
“Your brother needs to grow up.”
“Taking out his anger for his ex-wife on his child is insane and incredibly sad.” ~ NaturalPeace00
“NTA – your brother is taking it out on the fourteen-year-old child.”
“It’s not the boy’s fault his mother cheated on your brother.” ~ Decent-Historian-207
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your poor nephew.
Your brother’s pain is valid.
But he needs to figure out how to process his trauma.
Your wedding, your rules.
Congratulations!