I was watching the movie Greyhound recently and realized my Father would have loved it. It’s a 2020 film about the United States Navy’s tactics for getting transatlantic convoys carrying supplies, munitions, and personnel to the European theater during WWII in waters patrolled by Nazi submarines.
Not everyone’s cup of tea, as Greyhound focuses heavily on accurately portraying the perspective of the captain of one Allied surface ship in a cat and mouse conflict with a German submarine “wolf pack.”
But one of my traditions with my Father was back-to-back viewings of Tora! Tora! Tora!—a 1970 film about the surprise attack on the United States naval fleet at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in 1941—and Midway—a 1976 film about the WWII Pacific theater naval battle at Midway Island in 1942—while talking about the real history associated with both events.
Our WWII naval movie marathons were similar to watching a film with the commentary.
My Father was a 20+ year Navy veteran and a naval and NASA trivia nerd. As an anything trivia nerd, I enjoyed our double feature viewings with his expert commentary. My Mother and Sisters preferred “shut up and watch the movie” film screenings, so this was something just the two of us shared.
Both of my parents have walked on—my Mother in 2011 and my Father in 2019. Even though years have passed since their deaths, there are still moments that come up now that make me wish they were physically here with me.
Grief and loss are like that. The sharpness of the pain may fade over time, but there will always be things that take you back to your sorrow.
A mother-to-be whose first pregnancy is making her late mother’s absence acutely painful turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with her mother-in-law and husband.
Throwaway-97252801 asked:
“AITA for blowing up at my mother-in-law (MIL) at a family dinner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (23, female) have been married to my husband (24, male) for three years.”
“We were high school sweethearts and have been best friends since elementary school. He’s still my best friend to this day.”
“I’ve never had a great relationship with his mom; she’s difficult to talk to, and our conversations are usually very shallow—gossiping about neighbors, complaining about the landscapers, etc….”
“Almost a year ago, my mom passed away, which still feels surreal to write. She truly was my soulmate, and I’m incredibly grateful to have had her in my life for 23 years.”
“I miss her more than words can describe. My husband’s family really stepped up during that time, supporting us financially with funeral costs and managing affairs when I was deep in grief.”
“I’m genuinely grateful for their help.”
“Fast forward to now—we’re expecting our first baby. As excited as I am, I’m also deeply saddened that my mom won’t be here to guide me through this.”
“We always talked about what my kids would call her—we had settled on ‘Grams’.”
“Now, to the incident: We were celebrating our pregnancy at a dinner with my in-laws, and my mother-in-law asked to make a toast. She laughed and said, ‘I’m so grateful to celebrate a new addition to our family. We can’t wait to meet little “Veronica”.’—which is her name.”
“She went on to talk about her own pregnancy and what I should expect, mentioning that my husband had an abnormally big head when he was born. Then she said, ‘I look forward to being the favorite grandma to “Veronica,” since of course, I’ll be the only grandma’.”
“The room went silent, and I started to cry. I stood up and told her how incredibly insensitive it was to say that and that my mom would always be a grandmother, whether she’s here or not.”
“She responded by saying I was ‘overreacting’ and that it was just a joke. I told her to go to Hell and left immediately.”
“My husband later called me, saying he spoke to his mom, who was in tears because she was embarrassed. She asked him to apologize on her behalf, and he told me I should have come back instead of telling her to go to Hell and storming off.”
“I’m currently staying with my sister and haven’t stopped crying since. She supports me 100%, but I really want to know: Am I the a-hole?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for calling out my mother-in-law for her comment and embarrassing her in front of her family.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Speaking as a husband who has a mom like this, you need to seriously have a discussion with him about his mom’s behavior. He has the power to change how his mother treats you and it seems like he’s okay with what she did and expects you to apologize.”
“I understand it’s his mom, but he chose to live a life with you and start a family. That needs to be his priority, not mommy’s feelings.” ~ Disastrous-Duty7346
“If MIL isn’t called out now, it’s only going to get worse when the baby arrives. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. NTA.” ~ NojaysCita
“That’s never going to happen. He stayed to comfort his mommy instead of making sure his distraught pregnant wife got home safely.”
“OP is always going to come second and has some difficult choices ahead of her.” ~ TransportationNo5560
“OP, this part right here. Your ‘best friend’ stayed behind to comfort his mommy who just said something heinous to his pregnant, grieving wife.”
“NTA. He brought that bullsh*t she spewed to you, her fake a** apology. Sorry. This just pisses me off.” ~ ProudMama215
“Your MIL said something SEVERELY inappropriate and insensitive. No person in their right mind would think what she said was okay, no matter how many years have passed since your mother’s death.”
“Hell, my grandmother passed away almost 10 years ago and when my son was born 2 years ago, my mom and I talked a lot about how much we missed her and how we wished she was here to see him.”
“We still say this often, when he’s reached a milestone or we’re just doing something we know she would have enjoyed. It’s natural to think about deceased relatives MORE at a time like this, and she says something as callous as that‽‽‽ NTA!” ~ -SiRReN-
“Too often I read about husbands without a spine here. And then these women go ahead and have kids with these a**holes.”
“Only to be complaining a few years later how exhausted they are from their husband’s lack of support and their MIL’s lack of boundaries. How they saw there were signs, but hoped things would change after the baby was born.”
“This MIL should have been told, by the husband and in no uncertain terms, to go f*ck herself.” ~ 3dgemaster⁷
“NTA. Please allow me to recap: MIL desecrated the memory of your mother while simultaneously attempting to elevate her place in the family. Husband is put out that YOU left this scene, before giving MIL a chance to weasel her way out via a fake apology.”
“Have I got that right?”
“You have a husband problem and a MIL problem. Let’s hope that the former corrects itself before the birth.”
“If husband even *whispers* that Veronica should be included as any part of the name, then take it for the giant, flashing red light that it is.” ~ CandylandCanada
“NTA. Of course, she should have been told to go to Hell for doubling down. Trying to make a joke is one thing, she’s still an AH for it but like… a normal one.”
“Seeing a grieving person hurt by it—leaving aside the fact that you’re also pregnant—and then saying they’re oversensitive is psycho behavior. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his a** too.” ~ Reasonable-Ad-3605
The OP provided an update.
“Just want to take a moment to thank you all for your support. Your comments have been incredibly eye-opening.”
“After staying with my sister for a few days, my husband came over. He said he understood why I was hurt, but felt I overreacted.”
“He asked me to apologize to my MIL to ‘keep the peace’, which felt like a betrayal. I had hoped he would stand up for me.”
“That night, my MIL sent a long text doubling down on her ‘joke’ and saying my grief is becoming a ‘burden’ on everyone. She told me I need to ‘seek professional help and move on’ since it’s been ‘almost a year’.”
“I was devastated. I showed my husband, but he got angry at me for ‘escalating things’.”
“He said I should make peace with her for our child’s sake and that he didn’t want to be ‘caught in the middle’.”
“I’ve decided to take some space and stay with my sister. I’m struggling to come to terms with this.”
“This whole situation has made me question if my marriage is right for me and my baby. I need an environment where I feel respected and supported, and I don’t feel that way right now.”
“I told my husband that if he wants me back, he needs to show me he can stand up for me. I’m putting myself and my baby first.”
“I don’t know what will happen next, but I know I deserve better than this.”
“My sister and I are currently turning her old office into a room—prepping for ‘Rosie’s’—after my mom, Rosa—arrival. I feel truly blessed to have her support.”
“Thank you again for all your support—it has meant more than you know.”
It sounds like OP’s husband has some decisions to make—including whether he wants to stay married or go home to his mom.