Perhaps the saddest element of parents choosing to get divorced, is how little most of them think of the effect it will have on their children.
While staying married for the sake of children might not be feasible for a multitude of reasons, more often than not, custody arrangements wind up being more about what the divorcing couple wants, than what is actually best for the children.
Resulting in sometimes irreparable damage to the parent’s relationship with their children.
The husband of a recent Redditor had two children from a previous marriage, with whom he had become rather distant.
Eventually, his ex-wife finally agreed that their children should become a part of his and the original poster (OP)’s life, and meet their younger half-brother.
However, when the ex-wife of the OP’s husband made a demand before he could see his children again, all hopes of a cordial relationship, and possibly any chance of the OP’s husband reuniting with his children, became seemingly null and void.
Having doubts about how she handled the situation, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for kicking my husband’s ex-wife out of our house?”
The OP explained why she and her husband wasted no time in kicking her husband’s ex-wife out of their house:
“My husband divorced his ex-wife 8 years ago and she weaponized their 2 kids (4 M[ale] and 5 F[emale] at that time) to try to make him stay.”
“When that did not happen, she alienated the kids from their father and they did not want any contact with him anymore.”
“Now the kids wanted to reconnect so ex-wife reached out to discuss.”
“My husband told her the kids can come to our house and meet their brother.”
“We started dating 3 years after his divorce, we got married in 2022 and we have a 2 years old son.”
“Ex-wife agreed with the condition to come first and see the place where her kids are supposed to come.”
“Agreed on our part.”
“She arrived and we invited her in.”
“The second she stepped into our house she saw our 2 cats and immediately said I have to get rid of them because her daughter is allergic.”
“I tried to keep calm and told her that this is out of question.”
“The cats are part of our family, we love them and my son loves them, they have such an amazing bond that started when he was still in the womb.”
“When I was pregnant our cats used to cuddle with my belly, when my son was born they used to watch him sleep in his crib, they now sleep and play together.”
“Ex-wife then turned to my husband and said if you want to see the kids, you will do as I say.”
“That was the moment I lost it and told her to get tf out of my house.”
“She does not get to come to my house and start demanding things.”
“Ex-wife looked at my husband like she expected him to support her but he also requested her to leave and told her ‘when your kids ask you why they don’t have a relationship with me, please tell them it is because their mom in an insufferable b(word) and if the kids grew up to be like you, it is best we keep our distance because I will not tolerate anyone disrespect my home and my wife’.”
“She left and we did not hear from her these days.”
“My mom said we are the AH because she feels like my son should know his siblings.’
“However we feel like if his siblings are as toxic as their mother, we are actually protecting our son by not having them meet.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, though neither did her husband or his ex-wife.
Many felt the ex-wife of the OP’s husband was out of line in demanding they get rid of their cats, but also felt that the OP handled the situation very poorly, and her husband should have put up more of a fight for his children, with the general agreement being that no one was thinking of the children’s best interest:
“ESH, except the kids.”
“Your husband remarried and started another family without seemingly even trying with his kids.”
“You don’t claim broke and have avoided comments questioning why he didn’t fight for custody.”
“They were KIDS.”
“They needed gentle understanding that their parents were not together anymore.”
“If mom was primary caregiver and suddenly they were alone with dad, of COURSE they cried and wanted mom!”
“Your husband is an a**hole for throwing in the towel.”
“The ex isn’t allowed to make demands of a household, I agree, but I don’t know if you’re a reliable narrator on how the conversation actually went.”
“If your tale is accurate she sucks for being demanding.”
“IF that’s how she said it. I have my doubts.”
“You’re an a**hole for being so viciously cold towards kids who seemingly want to have a relationship with their deadbeat father and refusing to acknowledge your husband abandoned his children.”
“I feel sorry for those kids.”- ravenofmyheart
“The ex-wife isn’t ‘toxic’ just because she told you to get rid of your cats.”
“Overbearing?”
“Out of line?”
“Sure.”
“But toxic is not the right word.”
“You’re saying that she turned the kids against your husband when they were 4 and 5?”
‘How so?”
“Kids that young don’t get a say in custody preference.”
“Why hasn’t your husband seen HIS kids in 8 years?’
“You do realize he walked away from two of his children and he can walk away from yours too, right?”
“ESH and how old are you?”
“23?”- cosnanook
“ESH, except for the kids.”
“Every adult in this story is awful.”
“OP you should respect the fact your husband has 3 children & you should be building bridges to involve them.”
“Ex wife has no right to demand you get rid of the cat but if the allergy thing is true, she should have asked for a neutral meeting place instead.”
“Husband is a total AH and possibly the worst here by abandoning his kids.”- Fabulous_Cow_4550
“What is wrong with you?”
“These are innocent children, your husband’s innocent children!”
“Don’t alienate them just because they were cursed with a ‘toxic’ mom.”
“Tell your husband he needs to get his ass down to the courts and get a proper custody arrangement in place.”
“Your child is not the most important child.”
“You married a man with other children so you have an obligation to include them in your family too.”
“ESH!”- Sorry-Thing7797
“ESH.”
“I was feeling you until… ‘If the kids grow up like you, it’s best we keep our distance’.”
“Like for real?”
“You are all a bunch of petulant adults that shouldn’t have children.”
“They deserve sooo much better than this.”- KikiMadeCrazy
“ESH.”
“Ex-wife did the right thing when informing you and the father that their daughter is allergic to cats.”
“But rather than turn it into an opportunity for some joint problem solving, she went overboard when insisting that you get rid of cat.”
“And her trying to turn your husband against you is simply unacceptable.”
“You accuse her of weaponizing the children against their father but provide no proof.”
“You dismiss the real danger that allergies are to people’s well being without having asked for the details involving your step daughter.”
“Rather than acknowledge the danger that an allergic reaction could pose to his daughter, your husband chose to place all the blame on his ex-wife (‘when your kids ask you why they don’t have a relationship with me, please tell them it is because their mom in an insufferable b(word)’) without so much as trying to find a workable solution and compromise.”
“That he call his children ‘your kids’ betrays what he really thinks about his biological children.”- Individual_Ad_9213
“No one cares about the ‘bonding’ that took place between your cat and kid when you were pregnant.”
“Let’s just get that out of the way because it’s one of the craziest things I’ve heard today…though it is early and this is Reddit, so that’s always subject to change.”
“Ex wife may not have had the most pleasant disposition, and she was definitely overly demanding telling you to get rid of the cat.”
“But your reaction was hasty and dramatic.”
“Instead of trying to diffuse an already tense situation, you upped the ante and became argumentative instead of proposing a simple solution, like simply removing the cats while your husband’s kids come visit.”
“Or even having the meet take place in a public park or at a restaurant.”
“Meanwhile, your husband doesn’t seem to truly be interested in seeing his kids.”
“Not sure how or why he’s allowed 8 years to pass by with no contact, but he was extremely quick to decide that he doesn’t want to meet them if they act anything like the ex wife.”
“Children.”
“All 3 of you acted like children.”
“ESH.”
“I feel bad for all the kids.”
“None of them asked to be born into this type of dysfunction.”
“All 3 of you need to reflect on that interaction and ask yourselves if any of you acted with the best interest of all the children.”
“I mean, you didn’t.”
“That’s the answer.”
“But you all still need to come to that conclusion on your own.”- OGBrewSwayne
It seems there is a lot of anger and resentment between the OP’s husband and his ex-wife, and the OP is expectedly taking her husband’s side.
What all of them are ignoring, however, is the traumatizing effect this is undoubtebly having on the two children of the OP’s husband and his ex-wife.
One hopes that they will all eventually come to realize this and try to map out a more productive and healthy way they can all remain a family.
Sadly, seeing how little effort the OP’s husband made to see his children up to this point, that doesn’t seem to be a very likely prospect.