A pregnant woman with two stepdaughters is dealing with a trying situation involving her husband’s ex who is also expecting.
The woman decided not to get involved in matters regarding the husband and his ex, but she found herself in the middle of drama anyway after the ex made a pricey proposal.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
Redditor Defiant_Customer_501 asked:
“AITA for refusing to spend a lot of money on gifts ‘from the baby’ to my stepdaughters?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (33 m[ale]) has two daughters (9 and 8) from a previous marriage. He shares custody of them with his ex wife Mina (33 f[female]). They divorced 7 years ago.”
“I met him 5 years ago and we’re almost 2 years married now. This is my (30 f[female]) first biological child.”
“Things are tense between us and Mina. I mostly stay out of discussions between them because she does not like it and ultimately, the girls don’t need more tension between their two homes for the sake of me showing up.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t discuss things with my husband or that I’m uninvolved. But when it comes to communicating with their mom, I don’t insist that my voice be heard equally like the two bio and legal parents.”
The OP continued:
“My husband would like me to be an equal part of it. But tension is significantly less since I made the decision not to sit in on these discussions, which I would only go to support my husband but even that was something Mina disliked.”
“I bring this up because this is being taken into consideration on this point.”
“A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, the girls told my husband Mina was pregnant. Mina is single, for anyone who asks, and is pregnant via a donor. They were really excited.”
“When we told them we were expecting they weren’t excited. They see their mom having a baby as different than me having a baby with their dad.”
“We get along so this was a surprise. But they don’t see me as a parent so them the baby isn’t a sibling. While their mom’s baby has just their mom so they’re ‘real siblings.’ “
“This is something being addressed via therapy and my husband and I talking to them.”
The OP switched gears touching on the main issue.
“Now onto the gifts. Mina bought the girls roughly $500 worth of gifts each that they’ll get ‘from the baby’ when she’s born.”
“My husband wanted us to do this too and he told me we need to match it at least because they already prefer their sister from mom and still don’t see their brother from us as a real sibling.”
“Neither baby is born yet btw. I told him I didn’t think we should spend a lot on gifts like that. My husband said he’s worried it’s just another negative for our son if we don’t.”
“My husband’s parents found out through MIna about the gifts and they told us we better do better than that. I told them it was an insane amount of money to spend for this.”
“They accused me of not caring about the girls and not valuing a good relationship OR a good sibling relationship between them and my son.”
“They think it’s unreasonable to not want to spend a lot of money in these circumstances.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of a newborn coming out and clutching a gift for their siblings. Unless it’s a gift certificate, I’d hope for a c-section. Even then, talk about the worst paper cut of your life 😅.”
“Apologies if I went a bit far. I was just hoping to make you chuckle when I know you’re under a lot of stress.”
“If you engage in this competition with Mina, it won’t stop here. I have no doubt it’ll escalate. Rise above and don’t play this game. You’re doing the right thing by going to family therapy. I really hope it makes a difference.” – DragonCelica
“NTA. At that age, they know the gifts aren’t really from the baby, which makes the whole idea unnecessary. This sets a bad precedent, making them think they need to be appeased for his existence.”
“It feels like another social media trend where parents are expected to buy gifts for siblings when a new baby arrives.” – BettyThomas18
“NTA. If you match Mina’s gifts, she’ll find some other ridiculous way to one-up you. The only way you win this game is by not playing.”
“Source: a tremendous amount of experience in your husband’s shoes.” – BigBayesian
“NTA. You shouldn’t have to bribe the girls to accept their new brother. Also, at 8 and 9 they will obviously know these gifts aren’t ‘from the baby’.”
“The whole concept is preposterous and unnecessary. Don’t get anyone in the mindset that you have to buy things for the girls to accept their brother in their lives. It will just foster an expectation that they need to be appeased or apologized to for his mere existence.” – dart1126
“NTA – and I do not have children, so take this with a grain of salt.”
“If your husband is set on getting them something, I would suggest some homemade gift cards for things like a daddy day, ice cream for breakfast, a movie night, etc. Basically, things that they like but don’t get all the time.”
“The things I really remember from my childhood are the times the adults in my life (my parents, aunts and uncles, parents, friends, etc) made me feel special, and like I had some choice.”
“My mum and I would watch movies and get fish and chips when my brothers were playing sports, and for whatever reason, we couldn’t go and watch.”
“A friend was looking after me, I think I was 13-14 at the time and asked what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to go to the pub so we went and had dinner there.”
“These were small things for those people, but they made a lasting impression on me.” – meeeee01
“If you engage in this tit-for-tat gift-giving now, it will only escalate every single Christmas and birthday. I really think you need to curb this …I would try for a low-cost but thoughtful gift instead.”
“Something specific to each child’s interests or a big sister to a little brother vibe. But absolutely NTA.” – SadFlatworm1436
“NTA.”
“You can’t win here and you’d be fools to try. Your stepdaughters are either going to accept and love your son as their brother, or they’re not. Whether they love him as much as their sister is irrelevant and beyond your control.”
“If you engage in a competition about it now, you will be stuck in it for your son’s whole life. If therapy doesn’t work, expensive gifts won’t make any difference. Buy the girls something meaningful but affordable from their brother and leave it at that.”
“Let Mina make a rod for her own back with expensive gifts if she wants, but you don’t need to fall into that trap.” – Outrageous-Ad-9635
“NTA – and this is fully a husband issue. If he insists they have these gifts, then as their parent, HE would/should be entirely responsible for paying for/procuring him. The precedent for competition he is setting also will need to be maintained.”
“Instead of focusing in on his kids fully, their emotional needs, and understanding here; he’s playing pissing contest with his ex.”
“He also needs to accept that they may never see family the way he is demanding, so now his job is to figure out how to successfully support all of his children’s needs as a father. And that cannot be purchased with gifts.” – gurlwithdragontat2
“NTA.”
“You cannot win, so there’s no point in trying to be honest. You’ll wear yourselves out, waste money and end up arguing more between yourselves.”
“What she does at her house is none of your business, as in it shouldn’t matter to you (unless it’s a safeguarding issue), buying children presents is a really good way to make sure they don’t learn respect for you (because you buy their affection) and they demand more and more and more and it gets harder to stop.”
“When I had my littlest, I got each of her sisters a small ‘big sister’ token. Didn’t spend more than maybe £10/£15 on each, and it wasn’t ’from the baby’ it was from me and my husband.” – Not_Good_HappyQuinn
“NTA. If Mina is single, then the girls are probably feeling closer because there is no stepdad in the picture. So, the baby is just related to Mina and the girls. Meanwhile, your baby will not just be related to their dad and them but also to you and your side of the family.”
“Given the above, it won’t be money or gifts that change the girls’ attitude but how you generally treat them both before and after your baby is born.” – Full_Cryptographer12
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP for refusing to spend the same excessive amount in gifts on behalf of the yet-to-be-born son.
Commenters also thought no amount of money would force the stepchildren to become close as they already view their biological mother’s child as a “real” sibling.
Acquiescing to the husband’s need to compete with his ex would be a recipe for disaster for the kids later on.