Family traditions continue through generations because they are important and preserve a legacy.
However, one teenager held a specific sacred tradition that she felt was violated through circumstances, and now her mom is dealing with the consequences.
It all started with a trip to the pumpkin patch.
When things went south afterward, the mother sought judgment from the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Brave-Extension-8096 asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter ‘Yeah, I get it, you hate him, when he went on a father daughter trip?’ “
The original poster (OP) first prefaced:
“Before I get a million put her into therapy comments, we tried twice. She would just sit there.”
“For months even with different therapist she would not talk, she just sat there.”
The OP continued:
“So, I (42 F[female]) have two daughters: Emma (17 F[female]) and Lucy (10 F[female]). The issue revolves around my husband, who is Emma’s stepfather.”
“Emma’s dad passed away when she was younger, and I remarried three years ago. She and my husband don’t get along at all, and she makes it clear she dislikes him.”
“My husband has tried to bond with her, but Emma shuts him out completely, refuses to talk, and ignores him. We all know she will never see him as a father figure, and we are fine with it.”
But are they? The OP continued:
“Here’s where it gets tricky: when Emma was younger, her bio dad would take her to father-daughter outings. We have a lot of pictures of those. Lucy was too young to remember any of them.”
“We thought it would be nice to do again, since Lucy does see her stepdad as her dad. Specifically, they would go to a pumpkin patch and then carve them.”
“They went to the pumpkin patch yesterday and had a great time. Lucy and my husband really bonded and had a good time.”
“The issue is Emma, she is pissed that he took over the tradition with lucy. That my husband stole the tradition, and I am disrespecting my late husband’s memory.”
The OP described when things reached the boiling point.
“I was exhausted from hearing the same arguments over and over. So, I snapped and said, ‘Yeah, I get it, you hate him, but your sister sees him as her dad and doesn’t have these memories like you do. Are you really doing to ruin this for your sister, and no one owns going to a pumpkin patch?’ “
“She has been pissed and calling me an insensitive jerk. She is also getting on Lucy’s @ss for going with my husband.”
“My mom thinks I am a jerk here, and I need an outside opinion.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA – He didn’t steal anything. Does Emma now believe that for forever now, anyone who goes on a father-daughter excursion can’t? How narcissistic and self-centered.”
“That is just plain silly. The only person here being disrespectful is Emma towards Lucy, trying to deny her the love and support from your husband. And that should not be put up with in no uncertain terms. Tell your mom to butt out.” – PumpkinPowerful3292
“I know you updated that you’ve tried therapy. But how many sessions did she just sit there before you pulled her? Part of it is finding someone who’s the right fit. As a counselor, it’s my job to break down barriers with your kid.”
“So if that means we spend a couple of sessions playing uno while sneaking in some questions to build up a rapport, then that’s what we do. But if you’re expecting instantaneous change and pull her after a couple of sessions, then you’re right, it’s not going to work.” – CivilButterfly2844
“Emma needs to learn that while her feelings are valid, Lucy’s are equally valid.”
“It’s understandable that Emma finds it painful, and it’s probably very isolating for her, feeling like she’s the only one left who wants to remember her dad. But she doesn’t get a free pass to project her pain onto others.” – throwaway798319
“Why not start a totally new tradition where all 4 of you go together? It did sound like you were trying to recreate something that was once owned by your daughters & their bio dad.” – StillCrazyAfterYears
“Oh that would be worse, trying to make her have family time with a guy she hates.”
“Not to mention she would make a whole point about how he isn’t family to her.”
“That would be a no.” – OP
“NTA. Emma is allowed to feel disconnected, frustrated, and hurt. What she’s not allowed to try to do is harm her little sister’s relationship with the man she considers her dad, let alone try to target her and make her feel guilty pursuing it. That’s something I’d put a stop to immediately because you’re allowing a really toxic trait in her to blossom and damage your family.”
“No one is forcing her to have a rel with her stepdad. No one is forcing her to like him. In fact, she’s allowed to do things like totally ignore him when he’s speaking to her, even though that’s a plainly rude way to treat someone, especially in their home.”
“But she’s allowed to moan about these feelings privately to you and perhaps a therapist, but that’s it. She’s not allowed to make them other people’s problem. She’s not allowed to tarnish a happy memory for Lily.”
“She’s not allowed to dump on her stepdad constantly. Get her into therapy and make it clear that there’s a line between expressing yourself and lashing out, and that she’s crossed it, and in her lashing out she bullied her sister.” – SaveBandit987654321
“So because Emma sees it at “their thing” the younger sister doesn’t get to have carved pumpkins?? That’s bullsh*t. Halloween/fall is a whole thing outside of their dead dad. Emma needs not to ruin holidays for her younger sister. Next, it’ll be Christmas tree shopping or Easter baskets.”
“Emma needs to deal with her grief and realize that loving this new guy doesn’t mean that Lucy and OP are replacing their dad. You CAN have more than 1 person who you love in your life, and Lucy deserves that for her childhood. This has nothing to do with disrespecting Emma’s memories with her dad.” – sqeeky_wheelz
“NTA.”
“This is going to sound harsh, but she doesn’t hate him, she resents YOU. But you’re her Mom and she doesn’t want to be mad/resent you, so she takes it out on him, because she’s a teenager, and that’s what they do.”
“YOU moved on.”
“YOU got married again.”
“YOU brought a new man into the house.”
“YOU ‘forgot’ her Dad.”
“She’s mad at YOU. THATS what you need to be focusing on.” – NegativePlants_
“NTA.”
“I tell my five and three year olds all the time ‘You are allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to be angry or sad or frustrated. You are NOT allowed to use that as an excuse to be mean to other people or throw a tantrum.'”
“Your daughter is still hurting, and that is understandable. And you are doing whatever you can to help her. If she won’t participate in therapy or make any effort to at least be civil, then she’s the problem here. You can’t change people. You can’t make them feel how you want them to feel or do what you think they should do. She is choosing to be miserable and you cannot fix that.”
“She has that right. She can be as miserable and angry as she feels she should be. If she wants to hold onto that anger and hurt, she can do that. But she isn’t allowed to take that out on other people.” – Prior_Lobster_5240
“NAH.”
“Puh all these patchwork family stories are always hard to assess. Overall, it sounds like you are validating her feelings, and not forcing her to see your new husband as her dad, which is great while at the same time trying to be a family for Lucy which is also great.”
“Frankly, I am not sure if internet strangers are the right crowd to get a perspective here.”
‘So, I snapped and said’
“Don’t think you are T A, but you should probably still go and apologize and seek a conversation with Emma. Understandably, she has had a difficult time dealing with the loss of her father, and I am wondering if all of you have gotten the professional counseling that you needed to process such a life-changing event.” – Party-Possession-310
Overall, Redditors understood Emma’s frustrations and thought she was entitled to her emotions.
They also thought that while the elder sister’s emotions were valid, Redditors thought it was unfair of her to take away the bond her little sister was forging with her father.
However, some Redditors remained mixed and thought the OP’s response in calling her daughter “narcissistic” was a little harsh for a teen daughter dealing with grief.