Most states in the USA allow a surname change as part of a marriage license and as part of a divorce decree without additional fees. But if either person doesn’t take advantage of that opportunity, a stand alone name change has to be filed and approved by the court.
In the United States, you can expect to pay anywhere between $100 and $500 to obtain that court order to change a surname.
But this only covers court costs. There can be additional fees to obtain an updated social security card, drivers license, credit cards, etc…
Until recently, a bride not taking her husband’s surname was unheard of unless she was a celebrity prior to marriage. And even then, the marriage license often showed a surname change.
Wives also rarely reverted to their original surname during a divorce, especially if there were minor children. The prevailing wisdom was life would be less confusing if the mother and children shared the same surname.
This was also during a time before hyphenated names being given to the children was common in the United States and the majority of siblings shared the same parents.
Of course, all of this is a non-issue in countries where surnames for spouses and children follow a completely different set of norms.
A divorcee—who took her then husband’s surname when they married—turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over not changing her surname back to her original surname during or after her divorce.
Feeling_Blessed_4eve asked:
“AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (56, female) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways.”
“Changing my name wasn’t a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents, but go by my maiden name socially.”
“Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful guy. I’ve been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I’d consider dropping his last name.”
“His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it. I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn’t going to change it.”
“My ex didn’t laugh. He insisted it’s about starting a new chapter and wants me to ‘move on’.”
“The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it’s never been an issue, and now they’re ganging up on me?”
“After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they’re starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out.”
“What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I’m clinging to some claim on my ex. I’ve made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I’m being pressured to erase a part of my identity.”
“My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a ‘power play’.”
“I feel like I’m caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort.”
“I told my ex that I’ll consider it later—maybe after they’re married and settled. But now, he’s furious, saying I’m being petty and selfish.”
“My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it’s ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.
“I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they’re making me feel like the villain.”
“So, AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name even though he’s getting remarried?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to change my last name after divorce. My ex feels that after the divorce I should change my last name as it it makes his now fiancé insecure.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Don’t change your name! I had my ex’s name for 22 years and changing it is horrible.”
“I have so much stuff in that name, but as you stated it’s your children’s name and you will always be their mother. If the fiancé has an issue it is too bad.”
“If you change it you will always be pissed at him for forcing you and if you don’t he will have to get over it. Seriously, stand your ground on this one.”
“It is horrible to change and he is trying to take control of you and your life. If he wins this one it will be down hill from there with every choice you make regarding your kids and life events with the kids and the ex.”
“I can just imagine the other demands he will make if he wins this one.” ~ MrsNobodyspecial67
“NTA. I have a last name that in the United States, anyone with my surname is either a first cousin, child or grandchild of a first cousin, or married to one of my first cousins.”
“Unless your ex-husband’s surname is that rare, there’s going to be a lot of people with that same surname. Including your children.”
“And there have been divorces in my family, including my parents, and no one had to involuntarily give up our rare last name.”
“It’s not a ‘power move’—it’s a convenience move. After 26 years, getting everything changed would be a massive, unnecessary and expensive hassle. Ain’t nobody at our age got time for that.”
“Besides, tell your ex and his fiancé that unless he plans to use the title Ms. or Mrs. after marriage, it’s not like anyone is going to get you two confused.”
“Maybe they should move on and get over it.” ~ LakotaGrl
“It’s not just his name, it’s the kids’ name too. It’s your family’s name. That should honestly be a red flag about the fiancé, that he wants to change that.”
“And if they have such a problem with it, why doesn’t ex just take the fiancé’s name?” ~ BloodedBae
“NTA, exactly this. If it’s such a big deal let your ex be the one to change his name. You share a name with your children and do not have a compelling reason to change it. The fiancé’s insecurities are not enough.” ~ KeyBox6804
“Nah, he won’t change his name because it’s who he is—whereas I guarantee you that at some (probably subconscious) level, he sees her name merely as an indicator of which man she’s tied to.”
“In some people’s minds, women are never really their own people with their own identities, and this guy has now revealed himself as belonging to that club. NTA, OP.” ~ holesinallfoursocks
“Yep. When they married and she took his name, he never considered that now this last name is hers as much as it is his. He just saw it as him permitting her to use his name, and thinks she has no right to it anymore since it’s not really hers.”
“But he’s wrong. It’s her name now and he gets no say in her legal name.” ~ a-mathemagician
“Especially after a 26 year marriage. Like many women, she’s had this last name as long if not longer than she had her maiden name.”
“It’s who she is now and it doesn’t matter that they aren’t married. A decision to change her last name is her decision only. OP is NTA.” ~ GrammyGH
“That’s what I noted. She’s 56 now. She divorced 2 years ago after 26 years of marriage. She’s had that last name for almost half of her life.” ~ Ijustreadalot
“And the half of her life full of creating a life that’s given her an identity. Not the toddler to collegiate stage, but the portion of her life spent creating social relationships and contacts both personal and professional, establishing herself amongst a community.”
“Like the half of your life that shapes you into the adult you are today.”
“The fiancé is holding the family hostage. And we don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.”
“And it’s a huge red flag that this is how he is starting his relationship with the family. If he believes his gay partner is at risk of returning to his non-gay ex-wife, well, if there was ever a reason for premarital counseling, this would be it…”
“The fiancé’s insecurity is a problem. But it’s not yours, OP. ‘Not my monkeys. Not my circus. Not the a**hole.” ~ RollerDerbyOrphan
“Hell, it’s becoming more prevalent for couples to keep their names even in non celebrity marriages. As a dude, it’s a pain in the ass to have to update just a phone number or credit card across various online accounts.”
“I would never want to subject someone to having to change their entire identity—much less forcing them to change it back after 26 years—out of petty spite. NTA.” ~ Azrichiel
It looks like Reddit agrees. The fiancé needs to just let it go and move on.